


I Wanna Sleep Next To You...

by milecgv



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Classical Music, Alternate Universe - College/University, Art Student Bryana, Based on a Buzzfeed Video, Cuddler!Michael, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Homesickness, Lots of cuddles, M/M, Multi, Music Student Ashton, Music Student Calum, Mutual Pining, New York City, Sad Calum, Student Luke, Student Michael, Student Troye, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, i still don't know how to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-28
Updated: 2016-07-15
Packaged: 2018-05-03 20:05:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 54,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5305073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milecgv/pseuds/milecgv
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Cuddle buddies, how can I help you?"</p>
<p>Pausing, Calum thought, he could just hang up. Get over the moment of weakness and face the rest of the night alone. He could do it. But the idea of spending one more second alone, brought a fresh pang of hurt to his heart and really, he couldn't bear it. Before his thought process could spiral out of control, the calm voice repeated itself. </p>
<p>"Um, yeah. I-, I need someone to-" He cut himself off because really, how was he going to phrase this?</p>
<p>Chuckling softly, the man on the other line interjected. "Sir, do you need someone to cuddle you?" </p>
<p>Shit, it was now or never. "Yeah. I-uh, I do." His voice came out so small, and he really hoped the man on the other side wouldn't pick up on how desperate he was.</p>
<p>~~~</p>
<p>Calum gets the opportunity to live out his dreams in New York City but it proves too much for him, and on a lonely night he ends up calling the professional cuddle service he swore he'd never call.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The stars are falling

**Author's Note:**

> Wow! It's been a couple of months since I've posted anything, I was just feeling really uninspired. BUT, a week ago I saw this amazing video on Buzzfeed about professional cuddlers (Yep, that's a thing!) and it was so Malum I couldn't help myself, I had to write. 
> 
> So this fic is like a cross between that video, glee and whiplash, with Talk Me Down (by Troye Sivan) softly playing in the background. 
> 
> It's fluffy, it's sad, there's pining and cuddles and a hell lot of Malum with a side of Brashton because I love them all.
> 
> I think that's it, please enjoy this first chapter and I hope you like it! (Fic Tittle from Troye's song also).

' _CUDDLE BUDDIES_

 

_Profesional cuddlers:_

_We cuddle, we snuggle and we brighten up your day._

 

_Give us a call, we're available 24/7._ '

 

Calum blinked up at his screen for a couple of seconds before groaning and dropping his head in his hands.  _What was he doing? What had his life really become?_

Dropping back onto his bed, he sighed. Eight months ago, coming to New York, full scholarship in the music program of his dreams had seemed surreal. More than anything a kid from the suburbs of Sydney can dream of.

But fast forward to now, he was starting to think maybe he knew why kids from the suburbs didn't usually make it in classical music. To put it lightly, it was brutal. Kids from all around the world had bleed their hearts and souls to be there, and they were beasts. Completely focused, never falling behind, never missing a note.

To Calum, it had been overwhelming. Back home he was used to being the best, mostly due to the fact that no one around lived and breathed classical musical like he did. He was the best cello player at the official Orchestra of Sydney, which had albeit been the reason for his teachers recommending him for the NYC's program of revival for the classical arts. But that never made him feel bigger than anyone, and it surely didn't stop him from goofing around and having fun. Ultimately because his teachers had never been shy to joking, always kind whenever he'd mess up, always willing to give advice. Australians were usually good natured and he'd been rightfully brought up in that environment.

It was different in the States. Teachers expected their students to know more than them, to impress them and rediscover their craft while playing songs that were centuries old. There was no tolerance for humor, mistakes or questions. There was just flawless performances and nano second answers to questions he had never formulated to himself. 

So needless to say, two weeks in he had already been marked as the weak link. And in a room full of prodigies who can only talk about themselves, Calum hadn't really found it easy to make friends. 

It had taken three months and walking into the wrong rehearsal room for him to finally meet someone. NYC's musical department was one of the largest campuses, so no one could blame him when he'd walked in, flushed and sweaty from the summer heat, already apologizing for his tardiness, into room 609. He'd stop mid rant when he realized the studio was mostly empty, except for a shirtless man, dripping with sweat and drumsticks held midair, as if Calum had frozen him. 

Big hazel eyes stared him down, as the man put his sticks down on his drumkit. Taking in his surroundings, he'd realized he interrupted a drummer in the middle of his private rehearsals and he was sure his face had gone to tones of red he didn't even know he could produce. He was mid turn, about to bolt out of the room when the man had shouted "Hey!".

After ponting to the brunette's ripped Green Day shirt, complimenting his musical taste and introducing himself, the rest was history.

Meeting Ashton had really been he highlight of his whole year, but that didn't mean he'd gotten the hang of everything else. It just seemed to him that he was a small kite in a big hurricane of sheet music and developing legends. 

One day when he'd been particularly down Ashton had suggested the cuddle service, explaining that after his breakup with his girlfriend, he really couldn't cope with being alone and had hired their services. It had turned out the best experience of his life and it had helped him to face many things he hadn't been able to deal with until that moment. And because of that, he'd been able to get his girlfriend back, so he was promoting the hell out of it. 

When he'd mentioned it, Calum caught himself thinking, that no matter how hard it got, he would  _never_  stoop so low as to hire someone to hug him through the night. He just would never. 

That's why he felt so distressed at the moment. Because, Ashton was on a weekend holiday retreat with Bryana, and he was all alone in this huge city he simultaneously loved and hated. If he didn't have someone to hold him through the night, his thoughts were going to go to places he wouldn't be able to come back from. And since he felt ashamed to ask the few numbers he had in his phone book, he finally caved and gave into the idea of hiring someone. 

Slowly, he pulled himself up right, trying to steady his breathing and blinking back the tears. The number was right there. He could it, he could hire a stranger, they would hold him, tell him it was okay and they'd be on their way. It wasn't even like hiring a hooker, and this definitely wouldn't be like pretty woman. It wasn't  _supposed_  to be like pretty woman either way. And why was he even thinking about pretty woman,  _for Christ's sake_? 

Shaking his head, he tried getting rid of all those thoughts before grabbing his phone from the nightstand. With trembling hands, he dialed the number and held his breathe. After two agonizing rings a soothing voice came through from the other line. 

"Cuddle buddies, how can I help you?"

Pausing, Calum thought, he _could_ just hang up. Get over the moment of weakness and face the rest of the night alone. He could do it. But the idea of spending one more second alone, brought a fresh pang of hurt to his heart and really, he couldn't bear it. Before his thought process could spiral out of control, the calm voice repeated itself. 

"Um, yeah. I-, I need someone to-" He cut himself off because really, how was he going to phrase this?

Chuckling softly, the man on the other line interjected. "Sir, do you need someone to cuddle you?" 

_Shit_ , it was now or never. "Yeah. I-uh, I do." His voice came out so small, and he really hoped the man on the other side wouldn't pick up on how desperate he was.

Unfortunately for him, he did, and in an impossibly soother tone the voice asked him for his name and address, if he had any preferences on which gender and then proceeded to remind him the experience was to be purely platonic, never going into a sexual service. At that Calum had sputtered, hastily saying that had never even crossed his mind, but the voice had only laughed quietly, sounding a little embarrassed while apologizing. He hadn't meant to make Calum uncomfortable, but it was part of his job to remind the clients of this. 

After establishing the price, the voice had bid him goodbye, thanking him for contacting them and wishing him the best of luck. His cuddle buddy would arrive in twenty minutes and he was to stay as long as Calum needed him.  

* * *

He'd been pacing around his apartment, trying to make the small place look somewhat decent through the amount of music sheets and albums that were scattered around. He wasn't proud of how messy his apartment looked, but in the past few weeks there had been so many assignments and lectures, that he would only come home to sleep and then was out by six in the morning. Maybe that's why he was at this breaking point right now. 

His thoughts were stopped by the sound of the intercom buzzing. He held his breathe, going over and willing his voice to stay firm while saying hello. Through the speakers, a thickly accented raspy voice spoke. "Calum? I'm your cuddle buddy, reporting for duty." 

The way he said it made the brunette release the breathe he was holding, feeling something close to relief spreading through his chest and making him laugh. He didn't know why, but this guy's voice just made him feel a little more at ease. 

"Yeah, that's me. I'll buzz you in." 

"Thank God dude, it's freezing balls out here." The guy said, giggling at his own words before letting himself in.

A couple minutes later, there was a knock on the door and Calum realized he hadn't moved from his spot next to the intercom, lost in his own head. He practically ran to the door, yanking it open to reveal his "cuddle buddy".

The first thing he noticed was the smile. A big, goofy good natured smile framed by the reddest lips he'd ever seen. Sparkling green eyes seem to just add up to the picture perfectly, along with flushed cheeks, stubble and bright red hair that was partially concealed by a beanie. 

Was he supposed to be attracted to his cuddle buddy? Because,  _fuck_ , if this wasn't the hottest guy he'd ever seen. And how was he supposed to cope when the guy came in wrapped from head to toe in winter clothes that seemed to frame him in equal amounts of cute and hot?

He must have seemed to be having some sort of second thoughts because the guy moved a tiny bit closer, putting a tentative hand on Calum's shoulder before letting out a soft "You know, it works better, if you let me in."

Calum's eyes widened at a comical rate, and his hand smacked his own forehead before stepping back and letting the guy in.  _Shit!_   _He had to get it together_.

"God I'm so sorry. I- this-" He groaned, closing the door behind him and turning around. 

The guy was taking off his coat, a fond smile playing on his lips as he struggled to release one arm out of the huge winter jacket he'd brought.

"It's okay, I know this is a really weird thing."

Letting out a laugh of relief, Calum walked towards him, helping him out of the rest of his jacket while complying. "Yeah, I'm sorry to make you come down this late. Or early. God, I can't even talk anymore."

The boy turned around, staring at him kindly while taking back the jacket from the brunette's hands. "That's okay Calum. I'm Michael by the way."  

_Michael_ . Somehow that name suited perfectly with the guy, and Calum found himself smiling at that thought. It was probably the first time he'd genuinely smiled in a few weeks. 

"It's nice to meet you,  _Michael_."

He stretched out his hand, and Michael scoffed, rolling his eyes before tossing the jacket onto the couch next to him and pulling Calum in for a warm hug.

And the thing is, it  _should_  have felt weird. Hugging this stranger (hot stranger, but stranger nonetheless)  _should_  have felt like the most uncomfortable moment of his life. And yet, he found, the more he stayed in Michael's arms, the more he felt at home.

It was impossible for him to let go, finding the perfect spot to nest his head on the juncture between the red head's neck and shoulder. Letting his eyes flutter shut, he raveled in the feeling of Michael cradling him in his arms, and faintly wondered if this guy was  _that_  good of a hugger or if he was putting special effort into making  _him_  feel better. That thought was making him feel fuzzy inside and he couldn't even believe he was already _this_  into a guy he had met not even  _four minutes ago_.  _God he was_ _embarrassing_.

As if sensing his train of thoughts, Michael tightened his arms around him, tilting his head closer so that shaggy straight hair almost merged with dark brown curls.

"If you like my hugs, just wait till you see how  _fucking amazing_  my cuddles are." 

_God,_ this guy was going to be the death of him. Snorting, Calum had to duck his head further into Michael's neck to avoid showing the face splitting grin that was threatening to break out over the laugh bubbling in his throat.

He took a step back, laughing even more when he saw Michael pouting at the lost contact and led them to his bedroom. He couldn't wait to fall asleep cuddled next to this guy.

* * *

Waking up to an empty bed had been hard the next day.

The last thing he remembered was attaching his body to Michael's, hearing the boy telling a story about snapchatting his roommate passed out in front of a bowl of chips with k-pop playing in the back. All while carding his fingers through Calum's rebellious curls.

Starting conversation hadn't been as awkward as Calum thought.

Before any of the cuddling actually started, Michael had taken out a folded piece of paper from his pocket, apologetically handing it to the tawny boy while explaining it was a little contract he had to sign before he could provide the cuddle services.

Waving it off, he'd signed it, laughing when his eyes landed on the ' **This** **service** **is** **strictly** **forbidden of sexual** **activities** **. Any** **attempts** **on this will be reported and result** **in** **the cuddler** **loosing**   **his** **job** **and**   **the** **customer** **facing**   **charges** **.** '  _Damn_ , the cuddle buddies weren't fooling around.

But once that and the payment was out of the way, Michal had suggested they'd start with laying down, and talking through Calum's day.

And before he knew it, he had his head on Michael's chest and his arms around his middle while the boy cradled his head in one of his hands and rubbed patterns onto his arms with the other one.

They'd bonded over being aussies trying to make it in the big city and Michael had listened attentively while Calum rambled about missing home, his family and his friends. He'd left out the part about the nervous breakdowns and insecurities because he really liked this guy, and if it was for one night, he didn't want him to know what a mess he was.

After a bit they'd started trading off embarassing stories and that's how Calum had fallen asleep, a smile on his lips and Michael's booming laugh in his ears.

So naturally, when the sun had hit his eyes and he reluctantly opened them, not finding pale white arms wrapped around him was  like a bucket of cold water being dumped on his fragile heart.

_He knew_  he had paid for it,  _knew_  that Michael was only doing his job. But somehow his stupid mind had forgotten that detail, and in the short amount of hours they'd been together he thought they had a connection, a bond of some sorts. And he hadn't felt that in  _so long_ , that it was even more depressing now that it was over. 

It took him a long time to roll over, not wanting to see the other side empty, but when he did, something crinkled under his face. Lifting his head a bit, he picked up the piece of paper that was left on top of the pillow. Written in scrawny handwritting, it was a note.

_Dear Calum,_

_Right now it's about five a.m and you've been asleep for a few minutes. I really hope our cuddle session helped you out a bit, because you're too pretty to look so sad. And don't worry so much, home is where your heart is, and if you're here, then try to put your heart where it belongs: in your music. You were chosen for that program because you were the best, so prove it to them. Prove it to yourself and dont be the one getting in the way of your dreams._

_Fuck this is way too cheesy but yeah, I'm still getting the hand of these personalized notes._

_It was great cuddling you and if you ever need us, our services are always available._

_With cuddle (ha, I'm fucking hilarious),_

_Michael._

He didn't even try to contain the face splitting grin that had etched onto his face. Sighing, Calum toppled back onto his side, reading the note over and over again like a mantra. 

Michael was a stranger and Michael didn't know him, but there was something about the feeling rising in his chest that told Calum, if not for himself, he'd try to get it together so  _one day_ , if he  _ever_  bumped into this extraordinary stranger, he'd get to tell him how he changed his life, and hell, maybe they'd even have a chance. Because this was a one night thing, and Calum would  _never_ need to call their services again. 

 


	2. Down to my skin and bones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeey! So I decided I'll try to update every Saturday. So here's the next chapter. I'm in love with this story and had too many ideas, I had to narrow down my malum and keep it lowkey still. Anyways, there might be some upsetting things at the beginning, so if you're triggered by sad thoughts and self hatred, please skip over that part. Other than that, ENJOY!

Two weeks in Calum's resolve crumbles down.

Ever since his cuddle session with Michael he'd been trying harder. Preparing more for his lessons, putting in that extra practice he needed to impress Madame DeLouise in his contemporary composing class and even going out with Ashton and Bryana on the weekend.

Everyone had noticed his mood emprovemente and Ashton even joked that he'd finally gotten laid, because he looked like it. And Calum really  _did_  feel like it, that glow and self confidence that comes with having a stranger  _want_ to be with you for the night, but he stopped himself from clearing up how that he'd paid for it and it hadn't even been sex. It was better if they all thought he had some luck in the love department.

The thing was, it still seemed to him that admitting to the the fact his days were brighter because of a stranger he had to  _pay_  to cuddle him, was like admitting to the world he was  _so_ _lonely_   _and_ _uncapable of_ _socializing_ , he had to give money in exchange for it.

It didn't help to see how happy Bryana made Ashton and how they would always smile at each other, giggling while they shared proteins shakes and yoga techniques. It made Calum roll his eyes how two human beings could be so into fitness and health when the world was full of greasy food and good beer.

But as all good things in Calum's short life, they quickly come crashing down. And that's how he found himself two weeks later, Thursday night upon him and tears flowing from his eyes.

The day had already started bad. He had slept through his alarm, waking up in a rush and missing his usual train. Those extra five minutes waiting cost him to miss his first _class,_  because Professor Galafanakis  _hated_  when people would interrupt his lesson once he started.

That was terrible because today's subject was going to be Tchaikovsky's early composing and he really needed to nail that if he had any chance of auditioning for the Winter Showcase.

It just made him groan even more when he realized he hadn't brought his wallet and he was starving.

Fastfoward through the day, after finally meeting up with Ashton and borrowing some money, he had three hours of rehearsals with Madame DeLouise and he'd never disappointed her so much. He was off key, barely able to make it halfway through the piece before she was shouting at him.

In between french and english every insult was like a punch to his gut and at some point he'd started crying. That had only fueled her more and a mantra of  _weak, weak, weak_  etched itself in his brain until she left. But not before throwing his composition on the ground and slamming the door.

He'd known she had an explosive temper, and she demanded perfection from her students, but she had always been good with him. Encouraging him, in her own tough way, but always  _believing_ in him. At least it had seemed.

But as Calum made his way out of the building, Cello on his back seeming twenty times heavier, he felt like something was breaking inside him. He tried to keep it in for the sake of the other people on the train that seemed just as tired and drained as him.

And as soon as he opened his door, he wanted to throw his cello across the room and watch it break into pieces, along with his dreams and his life. But he knew he couldn't, it had cost him two and half years to adquire it and even though he was about to give up, he still loved his instrument.

So he settled for stacking it in the corner with all his other instruments and attacking his composition. Every tear was a new set of tears and he ripped it into tiny pieces until there was nothing left. Useless, just like him.

Finally done, he didn't have any more strength and slid down the wall, landing on the floor with a heavy thump. He could feel a new rack of tears about to tear through him and that  _desperate_  need to have someone's arms around him, telling him he would be okay.

He was too embarrassed to call Ashton because, as much as he appreciated their friendship, he didn't want to let him see this side of him. There was Bryana, and she was usually the one he ran to in times like these but she had mentioned she had a project and he didn't want to bother her. His sister was too far away, and if he called her in this state, she'd probably freak out and get on a plane to see him. Or even  _worse_ , she'd tell his parents and they'd all come down to see him. That was the last thing he needed at the moment.

But if he was being really honest with himself, he knew  _exactly_ who he wanted to hold him right now. And they had flaming red hair, hypnotizing green eyes and intricate tattoos woven on the little he had seen of their porcelain skin.

Fumbling his phone out of his pocket, he looked up the website, vision blurry with tears and dialed the number.

One ring and he was met with a soothing voice on the other line.

"Cuddle buddies, how may I help you?".

"Yeah, I-, I  _really need_ -" Calum paused, swallowing past the forming tears and clearing his throat.

"Sir, it's okay. You need a cuddle buddy, can I please have your name and address?"

It made Calum want to cry even harder, the way that voice could turn impossibly soother as he registered how worked up his caller was. It was comforting in a sense, that someone out there was sympathizing with him, even if they didn't know why he was breaking down.

"Yeah, Calum Ho-"

The voice perked up, cutting him off. "Oh Calum! You called the other night didn't you?"

A watery smile colored Calum's features because, how could this stranger get so happy about remembering his name? And what did it say about  _him?_ That his name was registered by a guy working at a  _cuddle_ _service_ _facility._

"Yeah, it was me." He said, unsure of how to continue.

"Say no more, we have your information. I'll be sending a cuddle buddy you're way right away."

Honestly, Calum thought he should be less critical. He felt like this guy took his job seriously and wanted to help people like Calum, who were lonely as fuck, and didn't really have anyone to turn to.

It made him sick with himself, that he could be so judgemental when all this guy wanted to do was give him the service he needed.

Man, he really couldn't wait to see Michael and forget how much of a mess he was.

"Oh! You want Michael?" The guy asked.

_Dammit_ _, had he said that out load?_  Just his luck.

"Um, yeah. I mean, it's just- Last time, he was really..." How on earth was he supposed to say that Michael had patched him up and been his motto for the past two weeks?

Soothing voice (that's what he decided to call the guy in his mind) laughed on the other end. "Yeah, I know. He's one of our best cuddlers. Really knows how to make people feel good."

They both must have realized at the same time how that sounded, because after three seconds of an awkward pause, there was soft chucking on Calum's part and wheezing laughs roaring from the other side of the phone.

"God, I love my job. But it gets so  _fucking_   _awkward_ sometimes." The soft sound of typing on a keyboard was heard through the phone as the he continued to laugh.

Calming down a bit, the guy pressed on. "Right Calum, Michael should be down there in about fifteen minutes, is that okay with you?"

Relief flooded Calum's veins and he left out a soft and breathy "Yeah, that's perfect."

It dawned on him, that he should really thank this guy too, because without knowing it, he had made Calum stop crying and even laugh. Two things he didn't think would happen until Michael showed up.

"Thanks um," He waited for the other man to take the hint.

It took a few seconds but a questionable "Luke?" Came out from the other end.

_Luke_ _._ So  _that_  was the name of the soothing voice. It seems fitting.

"Yeah, thanks Luke. You really helped me."

He didn't even know Luke, but he could bet he was blushing and ducking his head on the other side, with how he let out that embarassed type of laugh.

"No, the real help is on its way Calum. Hang in there."  

* * *

The buzzing of the intercom snapped Calum out of his trance. After the call, he hadn't had any strength, just slumping against the wall and training his eyes on the tiled floor, to steady his breathing.

But as soon as he heard the buzz, his body seemed to activate and he ran to the intercom, already letting Michael in without any hesitation.

He ran to the door and waited to hear the elevator ding, before opening it.

Michael stepped out of the elevator, face flushed as if he'd been running and holding his beanie in one hand, red hair sticking up in all directions.

As he got closer, Calum noticed his smile was there, soft and inviting, but there was something in his eyes that resembled alot like worry, and Calum vaguely wondered if Luke had informed Michael of his wary state.

He didn't have too much time to dwell in it though, because as soon as Michael was close enough, he opened his arms and Calum didn't even hesitate. He launched himself straight into him and wrapped his whole body around the cuddler, like it was the only thing keeping him anchored to earth.

Michael's arms immediately locked around him, one wrapped around the brunette's back and the other one cradling his head.

Calum would have liked to think that he had dignity and a  _bit_  of self control, but really, he didn't. And as soon as his head connected with Michael's chest he let it all out. Wave after wave of sorrow and sadness seeped through him and he cried it all out, thankful that his tears were soaked by the boy's enormous winter coat. He didn't want to wreck Michael's actual shirt and cause him trouble.

His mind vaguely registered Michael walking them both into the apartment, closing the door and taking their joined bodies to the nearest couch. On their way they stepped on the shreds of Calum's composition and that made a new set of tears spring to the tawny boy's eyes.

It took some time, Michael's soothing words whispered right into his ear and his arms never leaving his body, to get Calum to calm down.

When he felt ready he took a deep breath, breathing in Michael's scent (it was a mixture of aftershave, musk and something entirely Michael that he really couldn't describe) and pulled back, expecting the pale boys arms to drop off him, but they stayed firm in place.

He looked up at Michael and the other boy was already looking at him, eyes trained on his face as if he could go off again, displaying a mixture of emotions behind his own juniper orbs.

"Wanna talk about it?" He asked softly, voice almost a whisper, that seemed so contrasting to the actual tone of his voice.

And really, Calum didn't deserve this beautiful human being in front of him to be so gentle with him, even if that  _was_  his job. It seemed so genuine to him, that he was sure he was making it all up in his mind, and it was just a great dream to end a shitty day.

He hadn't even realized his eyes had dropped down until there was a calloused hand on his chin, tilting his head up.

"Hey its okay Cal. I want you to know you can tell me anything. That's what I'm here for."

Michael's intense gaze and those stupidly pink lips so close to him were too much for the brunette not to cave in. So he pushed down the urge to close the distance between them, and instead replied.

"I'm a failure Michael."

The same hand holding his chin darted upwards, thumb running under his damp eyes while caressing his cheek. The gesture made Calum gasp and his eyelids instantly fluttered shut. It was too soothing to be real.

" _Why would_ _you_ _say that Cal_ _?_ " Michael finally said, after a few minutes of silence in which Calum was sure he'd never felt more at peace in his life.

At the question though, his eyes snapped open and he stared at the other boy, debating how to answer.

He shouldn't tell him the truth, because he knew just how pathetic it was. It was hard enough to admit it to himself, but to tell Michael what he was feeling, felt like opening his soul up. But on the other hand, he had already lost any shred of dignity he could have had with this boy, and realistically they would never meet outside the walls of his own house, when he was sad and needy. So really, Calum had nothing to lose.

Michael, ever the sharp one, catching up with Calum's thought process, smiled and pulled them both up, taking Calum's hand in his own and pulling them toward the bedroom.

Once Calum pressed his mop of disheveled brown curls on the red head's chest and pale arms were firmly wrapped around him, the blanket he'd draped on top of them made him feel like in this bubble, he would never have to lie about anything.

So he opened his mouth and for the first time in eight months, he let himself be honest and open. All he hoped was that Michael wouldn't think too low of him once he was done. 

* * *

Waking up alone hadn't been so devastating as the first time.

Maybe it was because he had woken up cacooned into his blanket, or maybe it was because he had actually seen Michael leave. Either way, a comforting sensation was wedged into his chest, and he allowed himself to ravel in it for a bit, while he could still smell Michael's scent around him.

After he'd told the boy everything, about how talentless he felt when compared to his classmates, how he was disappointing himself and his teachers, and the incident that had happened earlier, Michael had been quiet for a few minutes. Calum was scared he had said too much, but the hand around his waist never stopped rubbing circles into his skin, so he waited until Michael decided to speak.

He was just about to break the silence himself when Michael lowered his own body on the bed, so that they were facing each other, both on their sides. Their faces were inches apart, and Calum couldn't look away from the green eyes that were roaming his face. Suddenly Michael's hand left his waist and found it's place behind Calum's neck. 

Started, he really didn't know what to do, mind on overdrive with the sudden action but then Michael was speaking up, interrupting his jumbled thoughts. 

"Show me your composition Cal."

The way he said it gently, not demanding but not asking either, voice barely above a whisper, had Calum's heart rate picking up insanely, and he wondered if a heart attack felt like that. He had no idea why Michael would want to hear his shitty composition, after all he'd told him, but he knew he wouldn't be able to say no. Not when they were this close and their breaths were probably mingling. Still, he tried. 

"I ripped it Mikey, you saw the pieces on the floor."

Michael had shaken his head, rolling his eyes fondly at the brunette. "That's bullshit Cal, you know it. We both know when you write a piece, you don't need a paper to remember it. That's just a formality."

And actually, Calum hadn't known Michael knew that. Which was a new piece of information to him, meaning Michael also played instruments, and at the very least composed music himself.

But, as if sensing he was going to try and steer the conversation in that way, Michael had pressed on. "Please Cal."

And really, Calum was only human, so no one could ever blame him when he led the red head back into his living room to where his cello was. He hadn't even wanted to look at the clock, knowing it was far too late to be playing and his neighbors would kill him, but it hadn't mattered.

The ripped composition on the floor was haunting him but he pushed it out of his mind, taking his beautiful instrument and closing his eyes. Once he'd started playing he could think of nothing more, every note flowing from his bow as his fingers slid up and down the neck of the cello. 

There was a moment of silence, when Calum finally put down the bow and his hands dropped from the instrument. And then there was clapping,  _loud clapping and whooping_  from Michael as the other boy opened his eyes. 

In a moment Michael was launching himself on Calum, yanking him from the instrument and into his arms. He'd kept repeating " _Holy shit_ ," and " _You've got to be fucking kidding me_." while Calum laughed and held on just as tight. 

When they'd finally pulled back, the next hour was spent with Michael requesting Calum play various things and he'd almost convinced Calum to play the bass for him, but that would require using the amp and the brunette pointed out he'd rather keep on living in the same building, and not get kicked out for disrupting his neighbors' sleeping schedules. 

Michael had been reluctant to go, but Calum knew better than to keep him around any longer. After all, he probably had classes and day job to get to, and he'd been more than a savior to him. So he'd walked him to the door, handing the money and watching the pale boy extract a two pieces of paper from his pocket. 

One had been the contract, and the other he'd requested Calum only read in the morning, after he'd slept well. With one last hug, Michael stepped into the elevator, turning back to give the brunette his warm fuzzy smile. Needless to say Calum had gone to bed with one just like it on his face.

And he'd woken up with the same smile, Michael's scent on his pillow and his letter next to him. Chords and melodies had filled his dreams, and he got out of bed, the paper in his hand and a new composition on his mind.

Sitting down, cello between his legs, he couldn't help but feel that, he would be calling the cuddle services every once in a while now. But only when he  _really_  needed it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So if once again you made it till the end, YAY! Thank you for all your beautiful comments and all the kudos and bookmarks, it makes my heart soar. Tell me what you think, and if you have any suggestions, I'm open to ideas! I already have the beginning of the next chapter so I'm really excited about this one!
> 
> ALSO blue neighborhood came out and I've been playing it non stop for two days so IF THERE ARE ANY TROYE GIRLS, COME AT ME, FANGIRL WITH ME!


	3. I'll be fine if I can breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, this week the update's going to be on friday because I have to travel tomorrow, but I couldn't leave you guys without an update!
> 
> It's a bit slow at the beginning because I need to introduce a new character, BUT I hope you guys make it to the malum moment. It's one of my faves so far. ENJOY!

 

 

' _Dear_ _Calum_

 _I'm_ _writing_ _this_   _while_   _you're_ _in the_ _bathroom_   _cause_   _I_   _don't_ _want you to see me doing_ _it_ _._

 

 _Brace_   _yourself_ _,_ _it's_ _gonna_ _get_ _cheesy:_ _I_   _can't_ _even_ _fucking_   _believe_ _how_ _amazing_   _you_ _play. If_ _that's_   _you_   _on_ _a_ _bad_ _day,_ _I_   _can't_   _imagine_   _what_   _you_   _sound_ _like when_ _you're_ _head_ _is in_ _the_ _right_   _place_ _._

 _Dammit_ _hood_ _, if_ _I_ _had half your_ _talent_   _I'd_ _be_ _making_ _Madame Bootysomething,_ _shove_ _her comments_ _up_ _her french ***_ _and_   _give_   _her_ _a lesson or two on_ _what's_ _really contemporary_ _composing_ _._

 _But anyhow,_ _I_   _can't_ _make this too long_ _cause_   _you're_   _already_   _flushing_ _the toilet. So_ _I'll_ _keep_ _it_   _short_ _._ _Your_   _talent is_   _mind_   _blowing_ _, and_ _I_   _can't_ _for one_ _second_   _understand_ _why you doubt_ _yourself_ _. But if it helps, any_ _time_   _you_ _need a pep talk,_ _someone_ _to clap for you_ _or_ _just to hold ya,_ _I'm_ _the_ _guy_   _you_ _can call._

 _Cuddle_   _buddy_ _at_ _your_   _service_   _golden_ _boy_

 _(Ps:_ _I'm_ _a ninja! You_ _don't_ _suspect a_ _thing_ _!)'_

 

Calum was reading it again, probably for the millionth time that week, trying to phyque himself up for the lesson.

He was outside of Madame DeLouise's studio, waiting for her and trying to swallow the nerves that were threatening to break out.

Michael's letter in his hand was doing the trick though, distracting him with thoughts of the red headed boy and his soothing raspy voice. His mind was picturing Michael, hunched over his dinner table, scribbling away and looking over every few seconds to make sure he wasn't coming back. It never failed to make him smile and get lost in his head.

Maybe that's why he was so startled when a hand touched his shoulder. Jumping a bit, he turned to find a boy, significantly shorter than him, with curly hair and round blue eyes staring apologetically at him.

He stared at the boy for a few seconds, taking in his thin complexion, hidden under a huge varsity jacket and tight black jeans.

His face though, was something else. It was all delicate, from his plump pink lips to his thin cheekbones. They all gave out an almost angelic vibe. And Calum had no idea why this boy, in all his beauty, had even approached him.

His face must have given out his confusion because the boy spoke up.

"You're Calum right?" And woah, Calum was sure as hell not expecting that voice. It was deep, much deeper than he could have imagined the guy to sound like. Smooth and slightly accented, like his own.

Stunned he didn't reply, so the guy's cheeks turned a slight shade of pink as he began to stutter, explaining himself.

"I just- I mean, I saw you standing here and I just thought- Madame DeLouise said Calum would be here at this hour and-"

"Yeah, sorry." He finally said, able to find his voice. "I uh- That's me. I'm Calum. Madame DeLouise sent you?"

The boy's face flooded with relief, and he was just about to reply when a voice interrupted them both.

"Ah! Calum, I see you've met Mr. Sivan! Lovely, come along both of you."

They stepped aside to let her open the door, as Calum turned to  _Mr._ _Sivan_ , who was staring back at him sheepishly.

"I'm Troye. Troye  _Sivan_." He said, when Calum gave him an amused quirk of his eyebrow.

Taking the hand  _Troye_ had extended, Calum shook it firmly. "Calum," he replied with slight chuckle, "It's nice to meet you?"

"Well I hope so." He smiled brightly, pointing to the door before adding "After you." 

* * *

As all things in Calum's life, they come unexpected. And that's how he found himself having lunch with Troye.

Before he'd understood  _why_  Troye was even there, Madame DeLouise had made him play out his composition, daring him to redeem himself from the last time they'd seen each other.

He'd swallowed the lump in his throat, closing his eyes and picturing Michael instead, as he'd seen him that night back in his apartment. It was amazing how free and secure he could feel if he imagined the cuddler was there with him, instead of his strict mentor and a stranger.

When he'd finished, he'd opened his eyes to find a satisfied looking mentor and an awed look on the other boys face.

"You're right. He's perfect." Troye had commented to Madame.

"I'm never wrong Mr. Sivan." She'd stated, getting up from her place to clamp a hand on Calum's shoulder. It was the closest to 'good job' he'd gotten so far.

After that, she'd explained to Calum that,  _Mr. Sivan_ , just like Calum was a freshman at the school, looking to enter the Winter Showcase, but that he had wanted a partner, to create his own composition for the audition process, and later on the final performance.

It was something quite daring to do, if they were being honest. Usually no one used their own compositions for fear of bone breaking critique and harsh judgements. But there was something about Troye, that had made Madame DeLouise want to help him do the impossible. And apparently she'd thought Calum was the right man for the job.

So now here he was, plate of scrumptious pizza in front of him, and the gorgeous boy speaking animatedly.

"I've been singing since I was five. But you know, it's hard to be taken seriously in Sydney when you're young and you're not singing rock. Get me?"

"Totally! People in Riverstone don't seem to get it when you say you wanna be like Arthur Russell and Yo-Yo-Ma."

 _"I_ know right? Okay so this one time-"

"Well hello fellas, g'day!" Said a bubbly voice, interrupting their conversation.

They turned to find Ashton, plate of pizza on one hand, Bryana's hand in the other. The couple smiled brightly at the two boys and Calum remembered he had made plans to have lunch with them.

But one look at the both, told the brunette it was a big mistake, because as soon as they saw Troye, they got those mischievous glints in their eyes that told Calum they were about to embarrass him.

 _"_ _So,_ _who's_ _this?"_ Bryana asked brightly, sitting next to the tawny boy and elbowing him in the process, to emphasize her point. 

Calum resisted the urge to roll his eyes at his dumb friends, while introducing them.

"Guys, this is Troye." He gestured between them before continuing. "Troye, these are my idiotical friends, Ashton and Bryana."

Faux looks of hurt decorated the couple's face as they turned towards the other boy.

"Don't listen to him, he just likes to pretend he doesn't like us too much when there's  _cute_ _boys_  around he likes." Ashton stage whispered as he sat next to Troye, giggling as Calum let out a groan and his head fell with a thud onto the table.

"Yeah, he's been keeping you a good secret for the past weeks. I'm glad we're finally  _meeting_  you! _"_ Bryana added, winking at the blushing fair boy while tying her golden hair in a bun.

Troye nervously chuckled, confused and Calum wanted the ground to swallow him whole.

" _Guys..._ He's not  _the guy_."

"Oh  _really_ _?_  " His friend asked, voice laced with tease.

"Actually yeah. I only met him today so..." Troye answered, smirking at the couple, while Calum seemed seconds away from punching them.

"Madame DeLouise paired us up for the showcase, and we're getting to know each other for  _that_ purpose, you dickheads." Calum muttered, glaring at the two as they laughed, unfazed by their friend's  discomfort.

After that, they'd spent the entire hour filling Troye in on Calum, every embarrassing story they could squeeze in, while also praising his talent.

At some point Troye was laughing so hard, he had snorted his beer through his nose and that was the moment Calum thought it was best for them to go, before his friends left him without any shred of dignity and the boy laughed himself to oblivion.

On their walk back, Calum had tried defusing the stories and apologizing for their behavior, but Troye was unfazed. He'd liked Calum's friends a lot, and they'd made him see they were going to be great partners for their music.

As they walked back to the studio Troye had booked for them, Calum couldn't help but point out something that was on his mind.

"You know, you have to be real special to have Madame DeLouise back you up on a  _suicide_ _mission_ _..._ " he trailed off, nudging Troye a bit.

The boy just laughed again, cerulean eyes  trained forward as he debated on how to answer.

"I think, she likes pioneers you know? People who want to break the mold." He shrugged.

And with that, Calum really didn't know what to expect. He really hoped he could be up for the challenge.

* * *

"Hey Cal."

" _Michael_ _!_  Thank God you're here!" Calum exclaimed, not one bit ashamed as he flung himself onto the red headed boy.

Michael let out a soft  _uph_ , and Calum felt his lips curl up against his skin, where the pale boy had let his head fall on his shoulder. One of the cuddler's arms slid around his waist while the other held a guitar to his side.

"Luke said you requested I come with a guitar?"

"Yes! Oh God Michael,  _you've_ _got to help me!_  " The tawny boy pleaded, still not ready to leave the safety of the pale boy's body against his.

As if sensing this, Michael blindly set the guitar against the wall, properly locking his arms around Calum's slim figure. His hand found its natural way to the Calum's charcoal locks and the cellist caught himself sinking into his touch. He had always been a sucker for people playing with his hair, so every time Michael did, warmth and safety spread through his chest like wildfire. 

"It's okay, I'm here now golden boy. Gonna help you out." He whispered, unknowingly making Calum's heart rate sky rocket with how close his lips were to his ear.

For what seemed like the millionth time, Calum had to convince himself that he was  _paying_ Michael, and that none of this was real outside of the four walls surrounding him. That somehow made it easier to untangle himself from the cuddler and step into his apartment. He missed the contact instantly, but sucked it up, because Michael was like a drug, and he wasn't ready to admit just  _how_ much he needed it.

Once inside, Michael made himself comfortable on the couch, while Calum began pacing in front of him, debating how to explain his dilemma. After some time, Michael finally spoke up.

"So Cal, what can I do for you?"

Silence.

Calum kept pacing until he felt a pair of strong hands firmly halt him, and Michael's beautiful face came into view. His smile was there as always, soft and fuzzy but his eyes were concerned. It dawned on Calum, that Michael always looked like that when he was around him. 

"Cal." He said, his juniper eyes fixed on the big dowey eyes in front of him. " _Talk to me_."

Before he could even stop himself, his brain was following Michael's command.

"Madame DeLouise thought it would be a good idea to pair me up with this kid for the showcase, because he wanted a partner for his compositions.

He wants to audition and perform original songs, which is actually  _crazy_ _,_  and never before done. No one does that because it's basically a suicidal move. But everything was fine, ya know? I thought he'd be decent, and I'd be able to tell him it wouldn't work. That is, until he played for me.

Mikey, he  _freaking_  played his songs for me. And they're good. No, they're  _great_. Fantastic. Amazing even.

That's not even covering it. Because his lyrics are- They're  _current_. Gutwrenting and beautifully crafted. But his _compositions_ Mickey! They're contemporary. They're  _the very_ _definition_  of contemporary!" He wailed, seconds away from tears.

With a confused look, Michael tilted his head to the side while sliding his hands up, to rest around Calum's neck. The soothing circles he was rubbing on Calum's skin we're so comforting, he really didn't want to be anywhere else at the moment. 

"But what's the matter Cal?" He asked softly.

"The  _matter_  Mikey, is that he wants to partner up with  _me!_ He thinks that I can help his composition grow!  _Have_ _you_ _seen me?_ There's no fucking way I could get- Even  _attempt_  to get on his level Michael!"

Before he knew it, Calum was being pulled into Michael's arms again. The boy's scent clouding his brain as his strong arms locked around him tightly, like he wanted to the barrier between Calum and the world. It was too much for him, and in the comfort of Michael's embrace he continued to ramble and spill out the tears he'd been holding back.

"He's a genius Mikey!" He stated. " _He's a genius_  and he thinks that I am too! But I'm not! I'm just a lost boy."

Michael tightened his arms around him even more, dropping a kiss onto his hair and keeping his lips there. Calum focused on syncing his breathing pattern to the beat of Michael's heart, while he tried to make sense of everything. He  _was_  having a breakdown, but at the moment all he could think about was Michael's lips connected to his scalp, making him feel  _loved._   _Was that supposed to happen?_ Was he supposed to feel  _this_  much care?

Before he had more time to revel in it, Michael pulled back slightly, keeping Calum's head cradled in his pale hand. He could feel Michael's emerald eyes scanning his face and he felt self-conscious, imagining his nose red, his eyes puffy and his whole face just a mess. But Michael's eyes only reflected fondness, and Calum really couldn't understand how. So he pouted and the other boy laughed. 

"Cal, I've only heard you play once. But that's all I needed to realize something. You wanna know what?"

His mind wanted to come up with many sarcastic replies to that, but in the end he just nodded. 

"You're a genius Calum Hood. Why do you think I call you golden boy?"

"Because you don't want to call me brown boy?"

"Calum!" Michael exclaimed.

And as much as he felt like a mess, he really couldn't help but laugh at the appalled look on Michael's face.

"If we're gonna be friends, you gotta start knowing I have an amazing yet at times dark sense of humor,  _ninja_  boy."

As soon as the words left his mouth he wanted to put them back in. What  _the_   _hell_  was he thinking? They weren't friends, they didn't even know each other. Well, at least  _Calum_ didn't know Michael and he was afraid, by the shocked look on the cuddler's face, that maybe he had ruined any chance he had of actually  _becoming_ friends.  _Way to go Calum._

"It's- Not that we're friends. It's okay. That's- That's not what I meant."

Michael had a look on his face, like he was struggling with something behind his eyes, but whatever it is, was sorted out as his hands went to Calum's face.

"Cal, why did you request me bringing a guitar, huh?" He asked, while wiping the tears under Calum's dark lashes.

"Oh. Right..." God, what was Michael gonna think now?

"Cal..."

"I- See I panicked and like- You said that we don't forget the pieces we write and I thought maybe- You seemed to know about-  Just forget it, it's stupid. _"_

Michael blinked for a couple of seconds, as if trying to make sense of what Calum had just spoken.

"You want me... to help you write a song? He asked. "Is that it?"

Calum casted his eyes down to Michael's chest, still trapped in his arms. He nodded, and Michael released him, taking a step back.

He was about to apologize, saying he didn't mean to offend him, -  _he knew he was being stupid and all_ \- when a guitar was strung.

He looked up to find Michael with that goofy smile on his face.

"All you had to do was ask Cal." He said charmingly, while playfully nudging the tawny boy as they both sat down on the couch.

"I was kind of embarrassed you know? I'm studying music and I can't even come up with decent lyrics, how am I supposed to-"

"Calum!" Michael cut him off, "Stop doing that to yourself." He said sternly.

He seemed to debate for a few seconds before reaching out for Calum's hands.

"As your  _friend_ , it's crazy to me that you don't see how good you are. But, I'm here to show you what you can't see in yourself."

Taking a deep breath, he looked up to meet Calum's surprised wide eyes. "Will you let me?"

And really, Calum couldn't deny anymore how much he liked Michael. He let his brain finally admit it. And if Michael asked him to streak across the Brooklyn Bridge for him, he would do it in a heartbeat, because that's how smitten he was. So he nodded, became  _yes_ , he'd let Michael do anything to him at this point.

"Alright then, show me what you've written so far."

Calum handed him his note pad, that was toppled on the floor, where he'd flung it in frustration.

After scanning the pages for a few seconds, Michael turned to a new page, uncapping the pen and turning to the curious brown eyes watching him.

"I have an idea." He stated, fond smile stretching his crimson lips. "Tell me all the things that make you feel at ease."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALRIGHT! Well, if you guys enjoyed it, please tell me! I love reading your comments, it makes my day. ALSO! Now Malum will start evolving, and cute lil things will happen between them, so stick around for that! 
> 
> I also realized that maybe you guys would want to fangirl with me outside of the AO3, so I'll leave my tumblr: milionmilestolife. If you want to hit me up with things about the boys, or music in general, feel free.
> 
> Also, please excuse the million song references, I'm Troye and Malum trash so bear with me.


	4. Build your hopes up like a tower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, look at that! Posting Friday again! I honestly will just post either Friday or Saturday, depending on my week. But I got to say, I'm extremely excited for this chapter because it came out so effortlessly and it builds the ground for the next chapters. 
> 
> I've been listenting to Blue Neighborhood and SGFG so much, I now know exactly where this story is headed and I can't wait to share it all! Alright, enough ranting, enjoy!!!! ((And also, thank you so much for the amazing comments you guys leave, they make me so damn happy and motivated to write!)

_'...Your_ _touch_ _, my_ _comfort_   _and_ _my_ _lullaby_.

 _Holding_ _on_ _tight_ _,_ _sleeping_ _at_ _night_ _.'_

Calum breathed out the last note, putting his bow down and looking up at Troye.

Troye's thin hands were over his mouth, baby blue eyes staring wide at Calum and to say the cellist was feeling insecure was an understatement. 

See, when Troye had suggested they could write a song together, as an experiment to test out their chemistry, Calum had politely decline, insisting it'd be best for both of them to bring different ideas to the table and start from there. But the problem wasn't that Calum was a self conceited prodigy with issues; not at all. Deep inside he wanted to agree, sit down with the gorgeous pale brunette and piece together a song.

But the problem was Calum's inability to compose music with people he didn't know. In fact, the first time Calum had ever let anyone, beside's his beloved Sister Mali, help him in the process of creating a song, had been that night with Michael. And well, he didn't even need to explain why.

So here he was, about to start apologizing for his shitty depressing song, when Troye's hands slid from his face, revealing a wide excited smile. The boy proceeded to jump up and down, in a mantra of " _Yes, yes yes!"_ and  _That's what "I'm talking about!"_ with his fist pumped in the air.

Calum's mind was struggling to catch up, but he could feel a relieved smile creeping onto his face, and he let out a hopeful " _So..._ You like it?"

Troye's expression turned to one of bewilder and he stared at the tawny boy like he'd grown another head. " _Do I like it_?" He asked back. He didn't give Calum time to reply before adding, "Calum, did you just hear the song I heard? Were you  _even_  in the same room as me?" 

The excitement in his eyes and the permanent smile that was edged to his delicate features clued Calum in, but he wanted to hear the proper words, to not let his mind jump to any conclussions. "So you  _did_?"

Troye rolled his eyes at the boy, but obliged. "Of fucking course I did Calum. I have  _no idea_ how anyone could not, to be honest"

Hearing that, Calum let his mind relax, widening his grin and pushing up from his stool. Troye was already walking towards the piano in their rented rehearsal room, eyes flying through the notes and words the golden skin boy had written. Calum put his cello aside carefully, before going to join him. 

Troye was humming to himself, eyes closed as he clutched the paper. Calum just stood by him, watching the gears turn inside his head, silently admiring the genious in his element as the sunlight from the side window bathed his angelical face. They hadn't been together for long, but he could tell why Madame DeLouise trusted Troye so much. He felt music like no one Calum had seen before; could hear the melody in his head as clear as if it were playing out loud, and Calum could bet, he was already thinking of better words to fill in to his own mediocre sentences. 

"Could you sing from the middle of the first verse for me Cal?" Troye asked, snapping Calum from his thoughts. 

"Um... from the 'The truth is'?" 

Troye simply nodded, eyes still close. Calum took a deep breathe.

" _The truth is, the stars are falling._ _And I'd never thought that I would say, I'm afraid of the life that I have made_."

"Hm. How about, we go with  _The truth is, the stars are falling babe. _And I'd never ever thought that I would say, _I'm afraid of the life that I have___  made?" He countered, snapping his fingers along with the beat, to enphazize the point. 

And  _damn,_ Calum hadn't thought about that, but the additions seemed to fit better for the arrangement. He was nodding along, before remembering Troye couldn't actually see him, so he cleared his throat and coughed out a "Yeah, that'd be cool." 

He hadn't meant to sound defensive, but his tone made Troye open his eyes wide, shaking his head slightly. "No, no, don't think I'm messing with it. Just-" He held his hands up, "Here, let me show you what I mean."

Walking around the piano, his fingers began dancing over the keys, bobbing his head and singing along, getting a goofy smile out of Calum. It was nice seeing someone care as much as he did, for his song. 

"Troye, I said yeah, as in, I really agree with the changes because they sound  _good_." Calum shook his head fondly, as Troye's face coated with a blush and he let his head hang, embarrased laugh falling from his lips.

"Sorry" He muttered sheepishly, "I thought you hadn't liked it. I just- God, I really love that last frase you know? That  _I never, ever thought that I would say, I'm afraid of the life that I have made._ "

Calum looked down, smiling to himself. He coud remember Michael coming up with that, his pale fingers brushing slightly over Calum's jean-clad thigh, as he looked into his eyes. They'd had a ridiculous 20 second staring contest before Michael's green eyes had lit up and he shouted the lyrics, causing the brunette to errupt in giggles. He couldn't help his fond smile though, as he watched Michael's hand write them furiously down on the page. It was like he had the key to Calum's mind and he was making himself right at home, picking up on his emotions better than the tawny boy himself could ever.

" _Uh oh, I know that smile_." Troye singsonged, while wiggling his eyebrows. His smile only increased as Calum's face heated up. He had no idea how he blushed so hard when his skin tone shouldn't be able to let it show. Just his damn luck. 

"I dont know what you're talking about." He said, taking a pencil in his hands, and starting to add the words Troye had suggested onto the sheet. Maybe he could play it off and Troye would drop it.

"This is about  _him,_ isn't it?!" His pitch getting higher as Calum's blush deepened.  _Fucking Brashton and their big mouths._

"Oh! Wait till I tell your friends about this!" He giggled, and Calum's mind entered panic mode, not being able to help the words as they came out.

"It's not about him, it's about me okay? He just helped me write it." And  _dammit, why did he have such a big mouth?_

One look at Troye's smirk told him he'd never drop it.  _Calum_ _was a nice guy, he payed his tuition, he recycled. Why was God punishing him like this?_

"Well, I gotta say, he's one hell of a writter if he helped you come up with this."

And even though there was still some playfulness in his tone, there was also a sort of respect that made Calum feel fuzzy inside. Proud of what Michael and him had put together. His face must be an open book because Troye let out an amused laugh, shaking his head and sitting down properly in front of the piano.

"Man, you've got it bad." 

Groaning, Calum let his head fall on the piano top.  _T_ _his was going to be a long day._

* * *

"Where's Troye?"

"It's great to see you too Ash." Calum replied, smirking as Ashton's face heated up and a sheepish smile formed on his lips. His shaggy hair fell on his face as he plopped down in front of Calum, at their usual table. "Sorry, I just thought he'd be here."

At the beginning of their friendship, they'd stumbled across a quaint coffee shop deep in the heart of their campus. The place had a few tables scattered outside of it, and the boys had befriended the owner. As it turns, this had become their spot, and they'd meet up a couple days a week to have lunch there. And since it was Wednesday, it was Ashton's turn to bring their meals.

He opened his backpack, laughing at Calum's grabby hands before handing him his burger. The younger boy muttered out a "Thanks," and immediately began downing his food. 

Once they were both settled in, half the food of their plates gone, Calum spoke, chewing a bite he'd taken.

"And to answer your question, Troye will be here in a bit. He's just finishing up an assigment for Zach's class."

Ashton scrunched up his nose at the mention of that name, since it was commun knowledge assignments had to be perfect for that teacher's class, otherwise the whole semester was compromised. 

"Good luck to him," He muttered, swallowing his bit of salad. "So how did it go with your song? Did he like it?"

Calum's face lit up, and he swallowed harshly, eager to tell his friend. "Oh God Ash! He loved it! And he's a genious,  _literally."_

Ashton's face had an equal grin, smiling at Calum like he was proud. That made the youngest feel good, like he was finally giving people what they expected of him.

"You know, I still haven't heard the song," The hazel eyed boy commented, uncapping his water bottle and taking a swing. "I don't know what the mystery is all about. I am your best friend, if that counts for something."

"Don't be like that Ash. I just wanted to make sure, if it was bad, only a few people heard it." Calum replied, turning to his messenger bag. He pulled out the folder he kept his compositions in and handed the sheets to his friend. "Don't be too harsh on it."

He couldn't help the proud smile he got when Ashton yanked the composition from his hand, setting aside his plate and smiling brightly at him. 

But as his eyes began reading the words, his expression became solemn and resereved, making Calum anxious. See? This is why he didn't show people his pieces, because he couldn't handle the live reaction to them. Especially something that had so much of him in it. 

He finished off his burger, feeling uneasy as Ashton turned the pages. Just as he was about to speak up, Ashton set the paper down, staring into Calum's eyes. 

It felt like he was searching for something and Calum really didn't know what to make out of it. Ashton finally broke eye contact, turning back to the pages and scanning them one more time before turning back to his friend.

"Did you write  _all_ of that Cal?" 

The way he asked, made Calum's stomach drop, like he was in trouble and he didn't know what for. But he didn't get it, Ashton was usually so supportive of him, and now he looked geniounly concerned. 

"Um, well, most of it, yeah," He paused, searching Ashton's face but the boy's expression remained impassive. "I mean, like, I wrote the second verse, the chours and the brigdes. And when we were working it out, Troye came up with the first verse, so he added it and it fit perfectly with what we had so far..." 

Trailing off, he held his breathe. Ashton took a couple of seconds, and finally let out what was on his mind. 

"Do you really feel like this Cal?" He asked quietly, taking Calum's hand in his own. 

_Oh_ , Calum hadn't thought about that. Thinking back on the lyrics, he realized how sad they must seem to his friend, a sort of cry for help. And now he really felt bad, because he didn't want Ashton to worry about him. The boy had enough on his plate as it was, to have to worry about his dumb friend.  _Note to self, only show people the happy songs._

"Don't worry Ash, I'm fine.  _Really_." He replied, hoping to display a little more reassurance than what he felt inside. 

"Really Cal? Cause it says here: I've been lying to them all, I don't need it anymore. Don't you worry about me, I'll be fine if I can breathe." He looked back at Calum, "That doesn't seem fine to me."

Calum let go of Ashton's hand, in favor of massaging his temples. He was not in the mood to discuss openly his pathetic insecurities, and he didn't want his friends to worry about him and make a big deal out of it. He  _was_ getting better, with Michael's help. Eventually, he'd actually be fine.

Taking a deep breath, he took the concerned looking boy's hands back in his. "Listen Ash, I _have_  felt like that, I'm not gonna lie. But I promise you, I'm getting better. I wrote a song about it right? That counts for something."

Ashton's face was a mixture of emotions, like he was unsure about the truth in Calum's words, and he was dissapointed. But Calum couldn't pinpoint that down exactly and he focused on not doing it. He knew Ashton wanted him to open up, but he couldn't. He really hoped his best friend could understand.

Said boy was about to open his mouth, when a voice behind startled them. 

"Hey guys!" Troye greeted, waving shyly  with his signature smile as they both turned to look at him. His eyes dropped down to where their hands were still clasped together and something flashed across his face, making his smile falter. "Am I interrupting something?"

"No!" Both boys yelled, a little too quick to be convicing, as they let go of each other and gestured for Troye to sit with them. 

"Calum was just showing me the new song," Ashton informed, pointing to the sheets in front of him. An earnest grin took over his features as he added, "You guys did an amazing job."

At the mention of the song, Troye's face lost all apprehensiveness, and he turned to Calum, drapping his arm around the boys shoulders. 

"Well, I can't really take much credit for it. It was all Calum and his little helper." He said, grinning at a now blushing Calum. 

"Helper?"Ashton asked, visibly confused. Before Calum could attempt to defuse, Troye jumped in. "Yep, Cal here, had a little help writting that up. And dare I say, they make a great team."

Ashton's eyes narrowed as his mind was processing, and Calum just hoped the older boy would be too slow to catch on. But then he heard him gasp, letting out a "No way!" out as his face broke out in a smile. 

" _He_ helped you write it?" Ashton asked, and even though Calum knew he was about to get teased into the next century, it was better than having his friend's eyes concerned and dissapointed at him.

Not wanting to give them much more though, Calum nodded and went to take a sip of his own water bottle, but Ashton swiped it away from his grasp. Making him groan and whine as he tried to take it back, only to be kept in place by Troye's skinny arms around him. Even though the boy was thin, he had an iron grip.

"No no, now spill!" His bulky friend demanded, backed up by Troye's excited chant "Spill, spill, spill!"

Well, fuck it, he'd have to tell them something. But he didn't have to tell them the whole thing, just the basics.

"I called him, asked him to come around. He did, we talked and we wrote the song. The end." He said it as flatly as he could, not putting too much emotion into it, even though his heart was beating five times faster than it was before. He didn't want to admit it, but it felt good talking about Michael in a sort of way, like he wasn't just a fictional character of Calum's imagination. It made, whatever had going on, a little more real and tangible. Just a little. 

"That's it?" Troye asked, face scrunched up and Ashton shook his head in disbelief, trying to push Calum. "I want a refill of my money!"

He couldn't help but laugh at his dumb friends, as they pouted, swatted him and even punched him lightly. 

"That's it guys, there's nothing more to add." He said, standing up and collecting the dirty paper plates and empty bottles from the table. 

"Where are the fireworks? What about the kisses? " Troye protested, while he unwrapped the burrito he'd brought with him. "Give us some romance!" Ashton added, leaning back against his chair. 

"Sorry guys. That's all that happened."

"Bullshit!" Both of his friends replied, cackling up as they both went to jinx themselves and turned to Calum pouting. 

"We're just friends guys." He said, smirking at the obvious replies that were trapped inside their mouths. They silently glared at him while he grabbed his bag, pulling it over his shoulder and unpocketing his phone to plug in his headphones. He turned to leave, but before he was fully out of their sight he called their names. Smiling to himself as they errupted in chatter, he browsed around his library for a suiting soundtrack for the walk back.

Just as the first notes to Jesus of Suburbia blasted in his ears, he caught a faint "Friends who like to fuck," from Ashton and flipped him off, not bothering to turn around as he raised the volume in his earbuds. 

* * *

"Let's play twenty questions!" Calum shouted excitedly, as he raised his beer in the air.

Michael's booming laugh echoed through his small living room, making the younger boy dissolve in laughter as well.

All throughout Calum's day, he couldn't stop thinking about Michael. And the more he thought about it, the more it made sense to hire the boy again, if only as a thank you for the past weeks he'd been so patient with him. And also, he was excited to show him the progress Troye and him had made on their song. All in all, he had plenty of rightful reasons to call Michael back to his apartment. 

And that's how he found himself now, well on his way to being drunk, with the beautiful red headed boy sitting across from him on his ikea couch, flushing from the alchool in his system and the laughs from his chest. In the dim light of his living room, Michael's face gave out a soft glow, almost like he was feeling at home in Calum's apartment, and really, who was Calum to stop the fond smile that kept making it's way back to him. 

"Alright Cal," Michael nodded, calming down a bit. "I'll go first!" 

He tilted the bottle to his lips, seeming to be thinking of what to ask the tawny boy, and unknowingly distracting Calum with the movement of his adam's apple. Calum was so entranced by the soft skin that seemed to strech up and down, that he totally missed the question.

He's only snapped out of it by Michael's foot, that was nudging his thigh. Somewhere along their conversation, Michael had streched out, half his body on Calum's in a tangle of limbs. Not that Calum minded, after all, he was paying to be cuddled right? And this was a sort of bro cuddle, so he was going to take it.

"Sorry, what?" 

Michael's eyes sparkled, as he shook his head and excitedly asked again. "Favorite band of all times?!"

Calum took two seconds. "Green Day!" He shouted back, "Hands down."

"Not bad Hood, not bad." Michael countered. "Your turn."

"Most embarrasing song on your phone right now!" 

Michael groaned, cheeks tinged in pink. "Don't judge me..." He closed his eyes, exhaling. "Party in the usa."

Calum's laugh exploded, chest heaving even more when Michael pushed up to swat his arm. "I told you not to judge, you prick!" 

"Miley? Really?" He said in between breathes. "It's quality music, I'll have you know!" Michael shouted back, arms folded across his chest in indignation, but he couldn't stop his lips from twiching upwards. 

"Fine, my turn." He said, lips turning into a smirk. "Most embarrasing high school moment, go!"

Calum wiped the tears from his eyes, as he wrecked his brain to search for the moment. One came to mind, and he stopped the giggle from bursting out of him. 

"Okay, so year seven. I fancy this girl right? My friends know about it and they bring her to my classroom so we can talk. Except they forget to tell me they're bringing her, and also to check my schedule. So I'm rushing out of the room, cause I'm late for English when the girl suddenly appears right in front of me, and my friends shove her,  _literally shove her in my arms!_ " He paused, letting a laugh escape him as Michael bit down on his own lip, to keep from giggling. 

"So you can imagine me right? Skinny year seven boy, crush in his arms. What did I do? I kiss her. Flat on kiss her, then proceed to push her back into my friend's arms, and run away." He finishes, leaning against Michael as both of them heave in laughter. It took them a few minutes, Michael letting out a couple " _Oh my God Calum_ ," and " _How did you even survive that?_ ", for them to finally calm down. 

Eventually their laughter evened out, and they fell into soft chuckles but they didn't pull apart. Calum settled himself on Michael's side, head on the boy's comfortable shoulder as Michael shuffled, so his body was angled towards Calum's and his arm draped around the cellist's waist, hand resting on the small of his back. 

In the comfort of their position, Calum asked something that had been on his mind ever since he met the cuddler. 

"Why do you work in this Mikey?" 

Michael looked down at him, and his hand left Calum's narrow waist, to push the boy's straigthened fringe out of his eyes, before going back to rest where they were before. 

It was times like these Calum's mind had a hard time distinguishing between what was real and what was not, because the way Michael touched him was so endearing, as if he was fragile and needed to be constantly reassured he was cared for through comforting touches. It made it really hard for Calum's brain to remind him they were  _not_  together, and it intensified the feeling in his chest that longed they were. 

"I like helping people. Making them feel they're not alone." He licked his lips, never breaking eye contact with Calum. "I had a really hard time when I first got here. Everything was new and scary, people weren't friendly and I missed my parents  _so much._ My roomate, bless his soul, he helped me. And in the moments I most felt down, he'd cuddle me. He wouldn't say a word. Just cuddle me. And that made all the difference you know?" He asked, and Calum nodded because  _yes, he did know_. "I guess it's my way of giving back to the universe. And well, if cuddling is my gift from God, I don't see why not use it right?" 

Both of them huffed out laughs, settling into a comfortable silence. In other times, drunk Calum would be drifting off, but for some reason, he couldn't. He guessed his mind was trying desperately to enjoy every possible moment he was in Michael's arms. 

"Will you ever play your bass for me Cal?" Michael asked, his voice soft as if to not break the spell. 

Calum felt his lips curl against the fabric of Michael's shirt, and he hummed. 

"I will, but only if you play me one of your songs first." He replied, feeling the cuddler's chest rise and fall as he snorted. 

"That's not fair." He said, and when Calum looked up, his lips were pulled into an adorable pout. 'Kiss him' echoed his mind, and really, he could see himself doing it. Pulling up just a bit, pursing his lips slightly to press against Michael's pout. But he swallowed the urge, instead bitting his lips to keep his grin at bay.

"All's fair in love and war Michael." He simply replied, giggling as Michael rolled his eyes fondly, muttering a "You're such a sap Hood."

But nonetheless, the red head pushed Calum gently to the side, while getting up to retrieve the guitar he'd brought with him, from where he'd left it against the wall. When the tawny boy had asked why he'd brought it, Michael had simply shrugged, saying that it had helped Calum the last time, so he thought it'd be a good idea to bring it again. 

Calum sat up straight, scooting to the end of the sofa to leave room for Michael. When the pale boy sat back down, guitar poised in his lap, he seemed almost nervous. Fingers fiddling with the chords as he bit his lips. 

"Hey, I'm the one who's filled your shirt with snot and tears remember?" Calum spoke, getting Michael to look up and smile at him. "So I'm the one who should ever feel nervous, not you okay?"

Michael gave him a new smile, one shy and reserved, but that had something hidden behind it that made Calum's heart do some sort of clentching movement. It twisted his insides, igniting butterflies in his stomach.  _Keep it together Hood, for crying out loud._

"Yeah, yeah," The boy nodded, looking back down to his guitar. His fingers distributed into formation, forming what looked to Calum like a B minor. "You're right." Michael rushed out, looking up one more time at Calum before starting the strumming pattern. It was soft and nice, so Calum wasn't expecting the words that came out of the cuddler's mouth. 

" _Everybody's got their demons, even wide awake or dreaming. I'm the one who ends up leaving, make it okay."_

His eyes were closed, eyebrows pulled together, as if every word he was singing were coming from a place deep and locked away inside him. 

" _But now that I'm broken, and now that you know it, caught up in a moment. Can you see inside?"_

Calum's jaw dropped as Michael's raspy voice turned into a cry. It was like he was actually broken, and pleading for someone to see what was really inside him. 

" _I write, with a poison pen, but these chemicals moving between us, are the reason to start again. Now I'm holding on for dear life, there's no way that we could rewind. Maybe there's nothing after midnight, that could make you stay,"_

Calum hadn't even realized he'd started crying, until he felt the soft trail of a tear down his cheek, but he could care less. All his mind could process was the boy before him, voice as raw as he'd ever heard, fingers gliding efortlessly over the chords as his words carried out the pain he was singing about. 

_"Cause I've got a jet black heart, and there's a hurrican underneith it, trying to keep us apart."_

While Michael carried out the chorus again, all Calum could think of, was how on earth someone could have hurt him to the point of making him write this song. Not to mention how each word seemed perfectly constructed and the melody brought out the true feeling of the emotions that Michael was trying to convey. He felt torn between feeling in awe at such a creation, and feeling angry at whoever had caused it. 

Michael's fingers, stopped, and he snapped his eyes open, staring down at his guitar. He let out a surprised huff, eyes wide and a giddy smile on his face. "Well that's all I got for now, I'm still trying to come up with th-" He looked up and his face completely fell. 

"Oh Cal," He said, all but throwing his guitar down and pulling the younger boy to his chest. Honestly, Calum should be the one hugging Michael and telling him he was going to hurt whoever dared to make him feel that way, but here he was, as usual, sobbing into Michael's firm chest.  _What a loser._

"It's okay Cal," The older boy whispered in his ear. "It's just a song."

Calum pulled back, wiping the tears from his eyes in frustration. "Michael that song was beautiful! Do you not get it?" He asked, face puzzling as concern fled Michael's juniper eyes, softening them and making a soft blush coat his face. "And I need to know right now, who the bastard that broke your heart is. Someone's gotta teach him a lesson!"

He took a deep breath after his rant, still confused as towards why Michael was smiling at him, instead of seeing the gravity of the situation. 

Apparently amused by his confusion, Michael's hand wiped the tear track from his cheek and trailed down to settle on the back of his neck. 

"Oh Cal, if you only knew." Was all he said before he scooted back, standing up and walking around the couch. 

He came back with Calum's bass, amp plugged and turned it over to the cellist. 

"But-" 

"No buts Calum, you promised." Michael cut him off, trying to seem stern but failing with his ever present grin.

Sighing Calum took the instrument in his hands, letting go of his previous mood to please Michael's wish. Because really, what wouldn't he do for this boy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIGHT WELL, WHAT DID YOU THINK??? I've got big plans for the next chapter so stick around please!!!! The tittle this time is from Lost Boy and it's honestly one of the songs that will inspire the rest of the fic.
> 
> As usual, please tell me what you think, I absolutely love your reactions. And also, can we talk about the Jet Black Heart video???? WTF, I feel so attacked and so proud of it, it's perfect!
> 
> Thank you guys for reading as usual, I hope you like this story as much as I do.


	5. Liquid guilt is on my lips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS! I'm so sorry I couldn't post last week! I had to travel and there was no wifi where I was but i had this whole chapter in my head and as soon as I got home I finally started writting it!
> 
> Right well, nothing much to say except Ease, Youth and Too Good are the inspirations for this chapter and I hope you guys like it! As you've stated, there's alot more Troye in it so I hope you guys enjoy that too.

"Why doesn't Calum start the intro?"

Troye stops playing, pausing his hands over the piano tiles and looking up at Madame DeLouise. Calum's eyes snap up as well, looking between his mentor and his friend.

After having finished composing their song, they have three sessions with their tutor to help them polish the composition, tighten their melody and put together their performance. Every single moment of their audition has to be pinned down to perfection if they want a shot at being in that showcase and Madame DeLouise made it very clear to them she doesn't intend to back up losers, so she will bleed them to death if it means they'll make it through. It's been an hour and a half, but Calum is already feeling stressed. 

It's the fifth time they've changed the way they're starting the song and Troye seems to be considering what their teacher just suggested, closing his eyes and humming to the melody. He opens them again, baby blue eyes on Calum and nods. 

Calum sighs, wiping the sweat from his forhead and taking it from the top, as he had originally conceived the melody that night with Michael. It feels nice to his ears, and in a spur moment he makes a fourth accord to lead Troye into the first verse. 

The thin boy perks up, lose brown curls bobbing up and down and he moves his head along to the melody. It takes everthing in Calum not to start laughing, in equal parts amused and endeared at how easily his friend can get excited. He's betting at some point Troye will start jumping up and down. It's just something that regularly happens. 

"Stop!" She yells, efectively making them pause their movements and sober up. She looks annoyed at them, making the goofy smiles they had on their faces drop. Her hands go to her temples as she closes her eyes, thin eyebrows furrowing so closely, Calum's scared they'll merge into one. 

Honestly though, he can't blame her. They have been trying to get the beginning right and it's just not clicking. At this point, it'd probably be better if Troye just sang acapella. 

"You just might be right Mr. Hood," Madame states, dropping her hands from her head.

_Shit! Had he said that out loud?_ He really needed to teach his brain that not every thought was to be voiced out loud.

Troye giggles, and Calum guesses that the shocked look on his face has something to do with it. He frowns, holding his middle finger in the air for the boy across the room when their tutor interjects again.

"Will you continue giggling Mr. Sivan or will you finally grace us by being useful?" 

Her harsh tone ceases his giggles, and Calum winces. It'd been almost a year and he still wasn't used to her rude anttics. Nonetheless, Troye straightens up, trying to play off the heat on his cheeks and obliging to her order.

_"I'm down to my skin and bones, and my mommy, she can put down the phone and stop asking how I'm doing all alone-"_

"And cue Calum." Madame interjects, gesturing for the cellist to jump in after the breaf pause the lyrics allow.

He does as told, and Troye continues into the verse, fingures poised on the piano to acompany Calum but their tutor holds her hand up, signaling for him to hold them still. 

When Troye enters the bridge, she tilts her hand to the side, opening her palm slowly as if to indicate how delicately he has to play into the melody. 

And is if they're all in sync, Madame throws her arms forwards, palms wide open as Calum's bow lowers and snaps back up, Troye's voice thickens and the force he's playing with rises. In his head, Calum can't think of any other metaphor for it, than giving birth. A painful but beautiful birth to their song child. 

Two hours fly by and just when Calum thinks his fingers are going to bleed against the strings, Madame tells them their session is over. 

He breathes out a sigh of relief, turning to look at Troye who's already looking back at him, a gleeful smile adorned on his lips. His eyes are sparkling with happiness and Calum knows the same expression is on his own face. He see's the gleam in his eyes and he already knows what Troye will do. As expected the boy leaps up, landing behind the stool and jumping up in the air again. 

That's the sign of a good day, even if Calum feels like his body and mind are seconds away from collapsing. Just as they're calming down, laughs being replaced by small smiles, Calum stands up to pack up his wooden baby and Troye turns to fix the pile of music sheets and pens scattered on top of the piano.

"Mr. Hood, could you sing the final brigde for me?"

He looks back, and his tutor is standing near the door, holding a copy of their composition. When he doesn't comply immediately, she raises her eyebrows, face giving off her patience reducing. 

"Yeah, okay." He answers, taking a moment to remember the lyrics. " _I've been lying to them all, I don't need it anymore. Don't you worry about me, I'll be fine if I can breathe. I've been hiding for too long, taking shit for how I'm wrong. How I'm wrong, always wrong."_ He finishes, voice breaking at the end with how low he was singing. 

Madame's lips are pursed together, staring at him but not quite, like she's figuring something out. Her eyes travel to Troye who has the same impassive face as her and they lock eyes for a few seconds. Calum knows he's missing something but just as he's about to ask, she speaks up. 

"Can you sing that while playing?" 

_No._ He actually can't, at least, not live and in front of people who are going to be judging him for it. 

"Yes," Troye beats him to it. "When he came up with the first draft he sang it to me while playing." 

Calum's head whips around to glare at him, sputtering out replies that don't quite seem to reach his vocal chords long enough to come out. But he's given no time for objections.

"Perfect. Have it down for the next session." 

And with that Madame DeLouise opens the door and walks out.

* * *

"Are you nervous?"

Two weeks, third session done and he still has no idea. Which was totally his excuse for the past couple of times he's called Michael back to his apartment. 

They are cuddled on his bed, Calum in between Michael's legs as the cuddler's arms are wrapped around his middle. His head resting against Michael's cheek and he can't suppress the shiver that goes down his spine when Michael says the words quietly next to his ear. 

The brunette looks down at their joined hands, their contrasting tones overlapping with each finger that's intertwined. He smiles down at them and Michael gives his hand a squeeze, as if to remind him he still has to answer the question.

"I don't know Mikey," He confesses. It was the actual truth, and Michael can tell as he doesn't protest.

With each cuddle session, Calum had gotten to know a little bit more about his cuddler. How he liked to look at Calum in the eye when he talked, how excited he got whenever they ordered food at that indian restaurant around the corner (it'd happened maybe two or three times in the past weeks), that he never took sugar in his tea and that he could burp out the alfabet in 20 seconds. 

And each new thing ended up scaring Calum, because he was sure that it was written plainly on his face, how much he was feeling for Michael. And he knew it was dangerous, because  _he_ was the one calling Michael back, _he_ was the one that kept paying to be cuddled, and _he_ was the one that was falling hard for a boy that could never be his. 

"Why are you ovethinking this so much Cal?" Michael asks, tightening his hold and snapping him out of his thoughts.

"It's just- I-, Today's rehearsel was rough and I only got it right in the last hour." 

"What did you do to get it right?"

He pauses, thinking over what had been different about the last hour of their rehearsal. Madame had started yelling at him again, and Calum felt like his sanity was rapidly slipping away, but Troye had intervened. He'd asked their mentor for a moment, just the two boys alone. 

After she left, he'd given a moment for the cellist to collect himself, and then told him to not overthink it. Calum had felt like snorting, or crying, or maybe even doing both at the same time. But he'd done as told, breathing in and out and going to the same headspace he'd gone all those nights back with Michael. 

It did the trick, and with his eyes closed they got to the end of the song, without any interruptions. Madame DeLouise had materialized herself silently somewhere throughout it and when Calum opened his eyes, she nodded at him, as if that's what she'd been wanting all along. From there on they'd been able to get it down right. 

"I thought of _you_." He lets out quietly. 

He holds in his breath, not daring to look up. Hearing Michael swallow hard behind him, he winces, closing his eyes. He really needs to reel it in, because he can't keep saying shit like that. Michael is his  _friend._ He  _hired_ Michael to cuddle him. 

But just as he's about to apologize, he feels a pair of warm lips on his cheek. His breath hitches and his hands grip Michael's a tad bit harder, probably trying to asess if this is still real life. He doesn't move, even though every nerve on his body is on fire and his brain keeps telling him to turn his head slightly, to make their lips meet.

A few precious seconds pass and Michael's mouth is still firmly planted on Calum's cheek, making the world around slow down. Then, as Calum is seriously about to turn his head, Michael's lips part and he exhales a warm puff of breathe.

"Then think of me again, okay? When you're there in front of those snobby teachers, think of me." 

The words are sinking into his skin and Calum feels hot all over. His heart rate is unstable and to avoid doing something stupid, he takes hold of Michael's hands, dragging his ghostly white arms with him until they are fully wrapped around him, their joined fingers on either sides of his waist. 

Michael's lips linger for a moment more, before they are being pulling away and there is a whine threatening to drop out of Calum that he lets out in the form of a  soft sigh. 

They're silent for a few minutes, the atmosphere around screaming back at them but Calum can't think of anything else, except the feeling of those crimson lips on his cheek and his thumping heart beat. 

"Maybe," The other boy starts, but he pauses, like he doesn't exactly know how to continue.

"Yeah?" Calum says equally as soft, encouraging him.

"Maybe, I could give you my number? Just so like- Just so you know you can reach me if you want. Before the audition, to calm down. Or maybe text me after, to share the good news?" 

There is a stupidly fond grin spreading wide through Calum's face and he doesn't want to hide it. So he wriggles a bit in Michael's arms until he's able to look him in the eye. 

His cheeks are a dark shade of red, face flushed and there's something going on inside his head, because his green eyes are a dark shade, like oak tree. Calum's learned that only happens when he's struggling with alot of emotions and he wonders what exactly is Michael struggling with. 

But the brunette doesn't want his cuddler to struggle with anything, so he decides to be the adult and crack a joke. 

"Do you give  _all your costumers_ your number? Or just the cute ones?" He asks, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively and making Michael crack up. 

"You're stupid, did you know that?" Michael asks, untangling his hand from Calum's to swat him in the chest. 

Because he can, Calum pouts and takes hold of the hand again, putting it back to the place it was before. Michael's eyes follow his movements, settling on their joined fingers on cellist's narrow waist. 

"Just you." He says, and Calum tilts his head to the side in confusion. Michael doesn't look up at him though, keeps staring at their hands. "I've only wanted to give my number to you."

And if Calum tackles him into a hug, suppressing all the urges he has to make them kiss, well no one can blame him. 

* * *

"So? How did it go?"

Troye and Calum look at each other, before turning back to Ashton with sour expressions on their faces.

"Well," The pale boy begins, rubbing his hand against his neck.

"It didn't go as we expected." Calum adds, frowning down at the fancy shoes he was wearing.

"How come?" Bryana asks, face a mask of confusion. "What happened?"

Calum looks back at Troye and they hold each other's gaze for about a minute before face splitting smiles take over their faces and they both shout "Because we fucking nailed it!" before jumping up and down, holding each other close.

"You fucking bastards!" Ashton yells at them, but his face has the same disbelieving happy smile as his girlfriend.

"Why did you lie to us, you jerks?" She asks, launching herself to join them in their group hug.

"Don't fucking hug without me you idiots!" The drummer demands before draping himself on them, and syncing his jumping to theirs. 

It was the day of their audition and the couple had come with them to the theatre the university rented for that purpose, wanting to be there for whatever outcome they could have. And really, Calum couldn't be any more grateful for the friends he had. From Bryana taking him to shop for his tuxedo and giving him a confident pep talk to Ashton brining him his favorite chocolate bar, the one that had puppies on the wrapper, just so he could relax before the audition. There was no one else he wanted to be sharing this moment with than them. Well, maybe there was  _someone_ else, but he'd get to that later. 

"Well this calls for a celebration fellas!" Ashton says, pumping his fist in the air and smiling wide when the whole group does the same.

They file out of the theatre's hall, and start to make their way towards their favorite pizza place two streets down. Calum gets distracted watching as Bryana slides her hand up Ashton's arm, until she finds exactly the right angle for her own arm to rest between their joined bodies and the small smile her boyfriend gives her in return. There's a tiny pang of jealousy in him, and he hates how his mind starts imagining how him and Michael would look like walking hand in hand. 

He's snapped out of it by Troye's excited scream of "I'm getting hawaian for us all!"

There's a collective groan amongst them and Calum drops his arm around Troye's shoulders to bring him closer, shouting "You're lucky you're a genius as a musician, that's the only place you have good taste!" as they cross a noisy street. 

The couple in front of them turn around laughing when they see the thin boy's outraged face, but before he's given time to bite back they're entering the pizza parlor. 

They've been here a few times since Troye joined their group a couple of weeks ago so they all head towards their favorite table, one safely tucked into the back of the restaurant, with a nice view of a crowded street that never seems to lose the enormous amount of human bodies on it. 

A waitress immediately comes to take their order and Troye shouts hawaian before he's being tackled down by Calum's body, as Bryana gives the the confused girl their order and Ashton laughs so hard there's tears in his eyes. 

Once they've calmed down, Ashton demands to hear the whole story of their audition.

"It was absolutely terrifying!" Calum cries.

"Everyone had that weird, I'm terrified but I'll act like I'm confident to intimidate you kind of look and it was so tense." Troye adds. 

"When they finally called our name I thought I was going to pass out." 

"But then he got a text that made him blush, so I think he was alright." Troye informs them, bursting out laughing as Calum gasps and punches him in the arm.

"What?!" The couple ask in sync, turning to each other to giggle.

"Ugh, can we not do this guys? It was nothing." He asks, looking around to see if maybe their food is already coming. He needs something to do with himself.

"C'mon Cal! What did he say?" Bryana begs, pulling her puppy pouting face because she knows she can guilt trip him into doing things for her that way. Same face she pulled when she asked if she could dye his hair and if she could sketch him, even though he liked his natural hair color and he hated people looking at him for too long. The things he did for these people.

"He just said to have a good time and to remember him. That it'd be alright." He answers, cheeks heating up embarrassingly as he looks around again for their waitress. "God dammit, this food is taking so long!" 

"Aw!" Ashton coos, reaching across the table to pat his red cheeks. "Calpal's in love!" 

Calum swats his hand away, excusing himself to go to the bathroom while they howl and whistle at him.  _God, he fucking hates his friends._

Doing his business in the bathroom, he washes his hands and takes the time to look himself in the mirror. Is he in love with Michael? Or maybe it's just a crush. 

Just as he's debating this his phone buzzes in his pocket, and he really hopes his friends haven't started a group chat just to mock him. However, it's none of them. 

_Mickey: So... how did it go golden boy? Did you knock their socks off or what?_

And Calum, he's really only human so no one can blame him for the stupidly love sicken grin he gets and how his heart rate picks up. He isn't even going to try to play it cool, so he replies immediately.  

Pocketing his phone, he walks out of the bathroom and is just about to head towards his table when he stops short. Walking in with flaming red hair, signature winter coat and combat boots is the source of all his happiness and distress. He's looking down, at his phone, with a smile that looks a lot like the one Calum had just a few minutes ago. He's feeling brave, and he can't help but think that  _Michael is reading his text._ It has to be. 

Just as he's about to make his way over, two other people walked in and stand next to his cuddler. One is blonde, a tragically attractive face packed with greek nose, blue eyes and goofy smile. He's nudging Michael as if asking his attention, but Michael's eyes are glued to the screen as his fingers fly rapidly over the screen. The other guy, with jet black hair, and piercing grey eyes is silent, smiling fondly at Michael as if waiting for him. As Michael pockets his phone again, the guy takes the pale boy's hand, landing a kiss on his cheeks as Michael looks down with a soft smile. The blondie next to them rolls his eyes and starts walking ahead, probably looking for an empty table. The guy holding Michael's hand takes the opportunity to get closer to the boy's face and kiss him. And Michael kisses back. 

That's all Calum needs to snap out of his stupor and blindly walk back to his own table, ducking his face and ignoring the ding of a new message from his phone. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *runs and hides* PLEASE DON'T HATE ME! I know it's not what you guys may have wanted but it's very important for the plot and for what's coming ahead okay? 
> 
> As always, I loooooveeee hearing what you guys think and you can shout at me in comments if you want :P Thank you so much for your passionate comments and your kind words, it makes the experience of writing this so amazing and worth while. You're all gold.


	6. Kiss me on the mouth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *comes out of hiding place* HOW MANY YEARS HAS IT BEEN? Lkasjhdjashdsa just kidding. 
> 
> Hi guys! I'm so sorry for last week, I knew you guys would be upset, hell, I was upset writing it too but it's something sooo important to the plot so please stay with me. Your comments though, are everything and I spent the last two weeks trying to write this chapter in the best way possible for you guys. I sound like a broken record but honestly, almost 100 kudos!? WHAAATTT. And the way you guys react to each chapter, makes the process of writting them even more amazing. So thankyou thankyou thankyou. 
> 
> I've been listening too much to Stitches by Shawn Mendes, and Too Good by Troye so this chapter was written under heavy influence from both of them, and I can't even say sorry for it. Lasdhajkhdkasjds 
> 
> Now, ENJOY!

It'd been two weeks.

Two weeks since he'd seen Michael kissing another guy. Two weeks since he'd rushed out of the pizza parlor. Two weeks since he'd smiled properly or answered any question truthfully.

Ashton could tell something was up immediately, and he'd tried to get the brunette talking, but Calum didn't feel like talking. He didn't feel like addressing the issues that wouldn't let his mind rest.

The thing was, he had no right over Michael. Like, he  _paid_ him to come to his home a couple of times over the last months and cuddle him. And yes, Michael had been nice, and Michael had kissed his cheek and whatnot, but maybe that was Michael's way of friendship. After all, he _had_ mentioned his roommate often cuddled him, so that meant he was used to platonically touching other humans. 

But that didn't mean it didn't sting. Didn't mean Calum wasn't heartbroken, or mopping. Because for all the platonic pep talks he'd had with himself, he still missed Michael's hand is his. Still missed the way his arms circled around his waist and how their bodies could just slide together, fit on his bed or on his couch like they belonged there. He missed seeing his goofy smile and sparkling eyes under the dim light of Calum's living room. He just  _missed him._

And Calum wanted to punch himself in the face because all along he knew he was delusional and that Michael was too good for him. To good to be true. To good to be his knight in shinning armor.

The problem was, he was all the Calum needed. He'd come to realize this on the two weeks where he had deliberately ignored his cuddler. His phone buzzed the first four days with messages from the red head. At first the messages were sweet, asking him how he was, did he want to hang out. Then they turned into concern, asking if he was alright, if something had happened. Then they'd been final, saying that when Calum was ready to talk he'd be there. _God damn Michael and his inability to get mad at being ignored, like the whole rest of the world._ That was the type of person he'd always wanted to be with. 

And Michael didn't owe him any explanations, he knew that. But he still felt blind sighted, like maybe the pale boy should have mentioned something, so Calum would have had a chance to keep his feelings at bay. 

But even with all that, he knew he himself had never asked. Not because the possibility of Michael being with someone hadn't crossed his mind. It had,  _plenty_ of times. It's just he'd been foolish, afraid to know the real answer so he'd gone the easy way, choosing ignorance as bliss. And he'd fucked up big time. Because now, well, _now_ he was in too deep and he had no way of getting out.

He groaned again, tossing and turning in his sheets, as his phone buzzed on his nightstand. 

_Troye: Cal, whatcha doing?_

Calum squinted at his phone in the dark, taking in the hour. 2:30 a.m. What the hell was Troye doing up this late?

_Calum: Trying to sleep. Hbu?_

He knew he sounded rude, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. Troye knew he was going through something, and out of the three, he was the most comprehensive when it came to Calum snapping or being rude. 

_Troye: IM PARTYINGGGGGGGG. Wanna come??????_

He'd never seen Troye drunk, but he could probably guess that was his state at the current moment. He was just about to type out a fuck off when another text came in.

_Troye: PLEASE. (Attachment)_

The picture was dark, but Troye's drunken face was pulled up close to the camera, his glossy eyes wide and his mouth pulled into a pout. His usually styled brown hair was messingly falling on his face making him look like a teenager. 

He _really_ didn't want to go but he knew Troye would just keep sending pouty faces, courtesy of Bryana sharing her well known knowledge of how he could never say no to a pouty face.

So he resigned. Trying to convince himself that he could use the distraction, he begrudgingly answered.

_Calum: Alright. Send me the address._

* * *

 

About an hour later Calum was standing in the queue, of a club he'd never been to, downtown.

Truth be told, he hadn't really been to many clubs in the past ten months so they were all new to him. But he'd heard alot of people talking about this place and how exclusive it was, so he was impressed Troye was inside of it. But then again, they genious boy with his angelical face and his bubbly personality, should be able to get into places like this.

He'd called the curly haired boy as soon as he'd gotten there and on the fifth ring Troye had finally answered, voice high pitched and giggly, yelling over the loud music he was on his way to rescue him. He'd rolled his eyes and pocketed his phone, stepping out of the line to make his way to the front, ignoring the protests and glares of the poor souls who'd been there since God knows what hour. 

Fifteen god damn minutes later he finally saw his friend squeezing his way through the front door. 

"Calum!" Troye yelled, throwing his thin arms up in the air and making Calum want to swallow a hole in the ground.

"He's with me Freddy!" He shouted at the guard at the front door, who gave Troye a pressed smile before giving Calum a once over and then turning around to give him space to pass, totally unimpressed. _Geez,_ yeah he'd only put on his black long sleeved tee and his ripped skinnies but he thought that was what people wore to clubs. 

His drunk friend hadn't seem to notice, instead draping an arm around his shoulders and bringing him inside the madness.

There were hoards of people, neon lights that flashed in the otherwise dark room, and even fake smoke. All packed in with ear numbing pop music blasting through every inch of the place and Calum could feel himself getting dizzy just by the surroundings themselves.

Troye was happily shouting, something about the people he was with and alcohol but the tawny boy was focusing his mind on not passing out with how he claustrophobic he felt inside that place. 

Leagues of people later, they'd finally arrived at a fancy looking booth with people crowding all over it. 

"My people!" He shouted, startling Calum and making the whole crowd turn around, "This is my Calum!" He finished, everyone around raising their respective liquid beverages and cheering on. Calum was too stunned to do anything other than weakly wave at the few humans close by. 

They made their way into the booth, and there was a bootle of beer being pushed into his hands before he'd even had a chance to properly place his butt on the leather seat. 

"So you're the Calum he keeps going on about, huh?" Someone next to him shouted, causing him to take his attention off downing half the content of his bottle. He wiped his mouth on his sleeve, turning his attention to the voice.

Sitting across from him was a guy, short blonde hair messily falling on his forhead and a crease edged between his eyebrows. His chin was jutted and his lips were set in a frown but the guy's face was sort of cute, so it just came out like a pout. Calum would have laughed, if it wasn't for the fact that Troye was draped all over the boy, giggling into his neck while he stared daggers at the cellist.

"Um," He sputtered, not really knowing how to follow his monosyllable. "I guess?"

" _Stoooop,"_ Troye slurred, lifting up his head to look at the boy with an really drunk lovestricken smile. His hands went to the blonde's neck, looking him in the eye before stage whispering, "You're scaring him, silly!"

Calum felt like simultaneously hurling and groaning, not really knowing which option to take. It was clear this _guy_ , was something very close to Troye, and that for some unknown reason the tiny prodigy had thought it was a nice gesture to bring his sour depressed friend on a night out with him, when he was clearly very protective.  _How the fuck did he end up getting in these messes?_

He was about to excuse himself to go to the bathroom, but Troye and the other guy had started making out and Calum was done. Ready to leave he turned to scan viable options of escape when a hand touched his arm. 

"Makes you want to throw up doesn't it?" 

A guy, with short curly hair, clean shaved and a dimpled smile was asking him. He'd somehow materialized himself next to Calum and he had to admit, the guy was fucking  _hot. Hot_ as in, the type of model on magazines that made Calum realize he was really into the other team and definetly  _not_ the type of guy to strick a conversation with him on a normal basis. And since he was lonely, heartbroken and just generally miserable, he decided to go along with it.  

"I don't even know the other guy." He snorted, scruntching up his nose. "Troye dragged me out of the comfort of my bed and now I'm stuck here."

The guy's grin had become wider, and he stared a few seconds at Calum, right in the eyes, before shrugging and reaching his hand out to him. 

"I'm Matt," He said, never breaking eye contact as they shook hands. "And Connor," He pointed in the direction Troye was still avidly shoving his throat down the other guy's mouth. "He dragged me out of _my_ bed tonight too."

Seemed meant to be, if you asked Calum's still too sober mind. 

"Fucking idiots," He settled on, after they'd watched the pair for a couple of seconds. 

"Jealous as fuck as well." Matt added. He looked just about as done with them as Calum felt, and something flashed through his eyes before he said. "But maybe it wasn't such a bad thing."

_Well, that was definitely something_. Maybe it was the half beer in his stomach, his loneliness or the fact the guy was looking at him like he was the best thing he'd seen all night; but before Calum knew it the words were spilling from his mouth.

"Hey, do you wanna get a drink?" 

* * *

 

"Are you sure about this?"

See, the well known fact about Calum, was that his ability to make the right decisions was decreased by minus 10000% once he had enough alcohol in his system. 

So after having had one too many shots, all courtesy of the gorgeous, stunning, to die for Matt, Calum threw all caution out the window.

Matt had asked if they could dance, Calum had said yes. Matt had gripped his hips tightly and flushed their bodies together, Calum had let him. When the bass had gotten stronger and the will power smaller, Calum had also let him flutter his neck with kisses, hissing at the sting from the hickeys but not really caring, more focused on rocking their lower halves in sync. 

Matt had asked if they could go somewhere else and Calum had nodded because,  _why not?_ It must have been the right response because the next thing he knew Matt's thin lips were crashing against his, rough calloused hands cupping his cheeks gently.

He'd tasted like gin tonic, vodka and the same amount of tequila shots as Calum and he'd found it refreshing. So he'd let himself melt into the kiss, deepening it so he could lose himself even more. He knew his mind was trying to forget something important but right now, nothing mattered except the moans that were bubbling from within his throat at the man leaving him without oxygen.

When they'd finally broken apart to breathe, Matt had wasted no time, lacing their fingers together and pulling Calum along through the throng of sweaty bodies that clung to them.

Once out of the dance floor, they'd stumbled through a black door and the bright light of the bathroom had started flaring warnings in Calum's drunken mind. But he couldn't understand what they were trying to tell him so he'd brushed it off, instead focusing on the man pulling him to the last stall and closing the door.

In seconds his back was being pressed against said door, Matt's lips crashing back onto his and his rough hands moving frantically along Calum's side, seeming desperate for skin to touch. 

Calum himself felt drunk on the feeling, letting his body go on autopilot and moving his hands slowly from the golden curly locks to the small of Matt's back. The other man seemed more eager, riling up Calum's shirt until his hands were roaming his taut stomach and his waistline. 

When that wasn't enough, Matt had started kissing down Calum's jawline and on instinct the tawny boy's hands had gripped the other guy's bottom tightly, pressing their bodies together as their grinding sped up. Moans escaped both their mouths and Matt dipped his head down to suck a mean bruise against the side of Calum's neck, breathing out a " _So hot_ " against his abused skin. 

Their moans increased as their bodies met everywhere and Calum was straining in his jeans, the feeling intensified with how his lower half was completely aligned with Matt's, making him feel his bulge. 

Matt broke apart from their kiss, pulling back slightly as his hands slid from Calum's side to his belt buckle, hovering for an instant. He'd looked at Calum, dimples wide on display with how he was smiling and asked: "Are you sure about this?"

And Calum would have liked to say yes. In fact the word was being formed in his mouth, halfway out when he'd looked Matt in the eyes. In the yellow light of the bathroom, the eyes he'd previously thought were brown turned out to be green.

And seeing those green eyes in front of him, pupils dilated and wide, had made him think of another pair of eyes. Same shade of green but much warmer. His gaze dropped to Matt's thin lips and another pair of lips came to mind, much fuller and redder.

And that's when it had all come crashing down on him, his mind letting the dam break and the flood begin. All of a sudden he was too sober, seeing confusion written all over that gorgeous guy's face as he failed to give an answer.

He couldn't do this. Not now. Not when Michael was now clouding his mind, making him feel guilty and sad all over, even when he was free to do whatever he pleased.

He shook his head, willing himself to mumble out a quiet ' _Sorry'_ before he was rushing out of the bathroom and into the heated club.

He felt like crying, screaming and definitely throwing up and the exit sign couldn't have been further away. As he pushed past all the drunken horny people happily dancing around him, he really couldn't stop the tears from falling down.  He didn't care anyway, he knew nobody there and he felt like falling apart right there and collapsing in that dark wasteful place.

Finally stumbling outside, he broke out into a run, ignoring all the people on the street that were strangers to his current meltdown and pulling out his phone.

He scrolled haphazardly through his contacts, stopping to catch his breath in the next alley and slumping against the brick wall. The few seconds between placing the call and having the phone answered were the last recorded moments of Calum's dignity.

As soon as he heard 'Cuddle buddies, how may I help you?' through the phone, his bottle lip quivered and his breath ragged as he broke down.

He cried, failing to keep it together as the soothing voice that had answered all his previous calls seemed to attempt many different words to console him. They all failed as he kept shaking, hugging his knees to his chest and heaving with sobs. 

"Do you want me to call him Cal?" Luke finally asked, voice soft and concerned.

"Y-yeah," He choked out, "I really need him." It came out like a whisper, as if he was trying to keep his desperate feelings for Michael a secret. 

Before Luke could reply, a group of girls walked past the alley, voices loud with enthusiasm. Their laughs made Calum wince and hide into himself more until their voices were further away. 

There was a moment in which Luke had kept quiet, before sighing and asking softly. 

"Okay, just tell me where you are and I'll send him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIGHT! Well, there's that. Ljkashdkajsdhsjadhaskdhsdkasjd
> 
> I hope you guys liked it a little bit :P I couldn't help myself to a little Tronnor because it's been so strong lately, there's no denying it anymore. (For those of you who don't know, Troye and Connor are youtubers and they've been friends for a long time, but I am like 98% sure they are dating and it just makes me all mushy inside.)
> 
> Anyways guys, I want to read your reactions because they make me want to keep writing even more and they also give me great ideas for the rest of the fic! Thank you for sticking till the end of the chapter and I'll see ya guys next week. Byeeeeeee.


	7. Only fools

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG GUYS!!!! 103 KUDOS!!! YOU ARE ALL SO AMAZING AND I WANT TO HUG YOU ALL AND WRAP YOU UP IN LOVE. THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU.
> 
> Okaaay, I'm soooo sorry I almost didn't have time to post this week because I started my new job and while I love it, I can't use the internet for personal things, meaning all my fic ideas get bottled up in my head until I get home at a decent hour to be able to write. But regardless of that, new update is here now and I reaaaallly hope you guys like it because, if I'm not mistaken there's about two or three chapters left and then it's the bittersweet end. 
> 
> Fools, Too Good and JBH were the inspiration for this chapter (as you guys can tell I really love writting with music) and a special thanks to my friend Rafa who's idea it was to have this chapter ending. She pitched me the idea and I just blew it up :P
> 
> ANYWAYS ENJOOOOY!!!!

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

After he'd hung up with Luke, Calum had waited fifteen minutes staring blankly at the brick wall ahead while he tried to keep himself numb. But as soon as a familiar red head appeared at the start of the alley, green eyes seeming to shine in the moonlight, Calum's body had reacted quicker than his brain.

Managing to at least turn his head to the side, he'd heaved out all the alcohol from the previous hours, being hyper aware of Michael's soothing hands on him; one rubbing circles on his back and the other one holding his head in place. 

He wasn't sure about all that had happened after but he knew Michael had somehow cleaned him up and there had also been some hugging that he had been too numb to engage properly in. At some point his cuddler had given up on trying to make him talk, instead lacing their fingers gently and pulling Calum through the new yorkan streets, into pharmacies and subways, until they were at his front door. 

He'd pulled away slightly from Michael's side, to open the door but that was about all the leadership he'd gotten because then the pale boy was guiding him through his own house, tucking him in bed and making him swallow pills and water with the promise of a better morning. _He didn't want a better morning. Not if it meant waking up to all he knew and kept inside._

A few hours had passed, he'd dozed off and was now awake, safely tucked into Michael's side, on his bed. He wasn't sure why his cuddler was still there though, because this seemed way beyond what his contract normally stated. Maybe it was a VIP thing, like a thank you for being part of the few losers who hired their services more than three times a week and ended up falling in love with their cuddlers. 

The biggest problem in Calum's head was how at home he felt in Michael's arms. It was the biggest pain he'd ever felt. Probably bigger than all the self doubt, dispair and lonely nights combined. Because feeling this made it even harder to accept that he could never have it. Not really. Not when he _hired_ Michael and Michael had someone _else_ to keep him warm.

It was probably this realization that had made him start crying again, a silent stream of tears that only uttered sounds when he tried breathing through his runny nose. Which had also woken up the sleeping boy who was holding him protectively, like he could be a human shield to his aching heart. _Little did he know_. 

Michael had only sighed quietly, shifting Calum until his head was completely nestled in his chest, and held him close until his breathing had evened out. After some minutes of silence he'd asked the cellist if he wanted to talk about it but Calum thought it was best to pretend he was too constipated to hear the words that were being whispered above him. 

When he failed to reply, Michael tried again, his fingers tracing Calum's waist slowly and soothing, like he was doing it absentmindedly.

"Cal?"

"No." Was all he could say, hoping Michael would drop it. Sadly, he had shitty luck.

"C'mon Cal, you call Luke in the middle of the fucking night, puke your guts out in an alley, I have to take you home-"

"You didn't hav-" He tried but Michael's hand clamped against his mouth to silence him.

"I have to take you home and you wake up crying, hungover as fuck and you just _don't_ want to talk about it?"

 _Yeah, that was pretty much it if you asked him._ Making one last ditch effect, he shrugged and muttered "Yup."

Wrong move because Michael tisked, pulling Calum up completely until they were face to face, backs resting on the headboard.

"Calum."

"Michael."

"God Dammit Hood, if you don't talk to me right now I will get up and leave." 

There were seldom times when Michael's voice was stern, always leaning more on the playful boastful side of his personality. But on the rare ocasions he'd lost that demeanor, it was always to scold Calum when he was hurtful to himself. And now, looking at Michael's eyes as they shifted from one side to the other, wide and desperate, like he was frustrated, it was clear that Calum was in some way hurting himself, and that Michael was scolding him to stop. 

He sighed, looking down at the sheets tangled between them. His weak mind made a feeble attempt to distract him with thoughts about what that would be like under different circumstances, but he was too tired to properly engage in that torture.

"I was out with Troye last night." He finally said. Partially because it was true, and partially because he didn't feel like addressing the reasons behind his failed night out.

Michael was quiet for a few seconds, and Calum didn't want to look up so he kept his eyes down until there was a gentle finger on his chin, tilting his head up.

Their faces were so close he could see slight specks of grey in Michael's juniper eyes. They were really breathtaking. He just wanted to look at them forever.

Michael had other plans though.

"Did he do this?" He asked, poker face making it hard to read what he meant. 

Calum furrowed his eyebrows as if asking what he meant and Michael exhaled exasperated, as if he was frustrated Calum didn't get what he meant. His fingers left the tanned boy's chin and darted to his neck, poking gently at one of the uncomfortable bruises on his neck.

" _This_. Did he do this?"

And _oh._ Calum had completely forgotten about the hickeys. And who had made them. And why they were there in the first place.

The thought alone made him close his eyes, anger and disgust fighting inside him and wrenching out tears from underneath his eyelids. _God, why was he so stupid? He should have stayed home, he should have moped in peace and continued his plan. He should'v-_

"Oh my god Cal, _what_ did Troye do?"

His eyes snapped open, eyebrows scrunched in confusion as he tried to see Michael through his blurry vision. Through the watery view he could make out Michael's face, a never before seen frown on his face and his cheeks a little red. 

 _Oh right_. Michael thought Troye had done that. If only it _had_ been him. 

"No, no Mikey. It wasn't Troye."

"Then who was it?"

"Just..." He trailed off, not wanting to look at Michael anymore. "Someone."

"Like a hook up?" Michael asked, tense shoulders visibly relaxing for a moment, before going tense again.

"Yes Michael. Like a hook up. What else would it be?"

He was hoping if he was rude, the cuddler would take the hint and drop it. Save them both the embarrassment. 

 _God damn, he hated always being wrong_.

"Then what happened? _Why were you crying_?" Michael asked, voice still strained and Calum was too weak not to look up and be completely surrendered by Michael's juniper eyes clouded with worry as his eyebrows were now furrowed to highlight the feeling. 

"I... I was trying to forget someone. Troye called me to go out, I ended up having a few drinks and then, yeah. This happened." He gestured vaguely to himself, not bothering to hide his self loathe at the moment. It was useless trying to hide things from Michael when the boy could read him like an open book. 

He guessed there were probably no more tears left in him, because there were no waterworks this time. No drop of salty liquid from his inside rolling down his cheeks. Just an emptyness that left him hollow.

Until there was a hand being placed gently on his neck. He couldn't help the flutter of his eyes, or the small stutter of his breath. And there was no explanation, but every corner Michael's fingers traced gently, felt like a balm healing his wounds. Like all the disgust he felt, was lessened with every soft stroke from the pad of Michael's thumb. Maybe Michael had healing powers and Calum was just now realizing that. 

"So... You like someone Cal?" His voice was quiet, a vibrating contrast to his tone mere moments ago.

He didn't want to open eyes, really  _couldn't_ if he had to admit that. 

"Yeah, I... I think I do."  _Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit._

"So, you're seeing... someone?" He sounded geniounly curious and Calum had to snort at such a thought.  _As if._

He went pliant under Michael's arms, letting him reposition them until they were lying on their sides, facing each other and breathing into the same small gap of space. Michaels arms were on his waist, as if they were permanently embedded there, and Calum's arms resting on the small of the pale boy's back. 

"No." He answered, and just because he hated himself, he added. "Are you?"

He could tell Michael tensed at the question, eyes flashing millions of emotions until they turned a dark shade of green and he shot Calum a sad smile before dropping his gaze. 

"Yeah. I am."

All he could do was hum, turning until his back was against the mattress and pulling Michael with him. His pale arm was draped around Calum's stomach and he laid his hands on top of it, just soaking in the warmth radiating from every point his body connected to the cuddler's. They were quiet for a minute, until he decided to push his sanity a little further from health.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked, voice kept low to not disrupt the stillness around them. 

"You never asked." 

 _Fair enough_ , Calum thought. "Well I'm asking now. Tell me."

There was a puff of hot breath hitting his shoulder from where Michael's head was pressed against it. He looked over and Michael's eyes were closed, eyebrows almost merging into one with how hard he was frowning. 

Finally he answered. "What do you wanna know Cal?"

"Everything."

* * *

_"Oh, I'm so scared, it's just for tonight. So I'll take a sip, wait till it hits, that liquid guilt is on my lips and I'm was-"_

Calum's hand was poised on the handle but he made no attempts of turning it. He was standing outside their rehearsal room, admittedly just eavesdropping Troye but he couldn't help it.

He'd never heard this song before, but what had frozen him on the spot wasn't that fact. It was the fact that Troye's voice was different, in a way he hadn't never heard him sing. It sounded raw and hurt, like every word he was singing came from a place of a lot of pain and _that_ had Calum thinking. What could it be? Troye was usually so composed, whether excited and happy or calm and distant, but he never seemed hurt. Or bothered. Just generally private with the emotions inside him.

So Calum made no attempt to interrupt his moment, simply standing behind the door and letting the other boy continue while the bravado on his piano rose, along with his deep voice.

_"...too good to be good for me, too bad that that's all I need, all I need. So I'll take a sip-"_

Troye cut himself off and Calum took it as his cue to stop being a creep and go inside. The other boy was obviously so imersed in his playing that he jumped from his place behind the piano, hitting his knee with the instrument and cursing under his breathe. 

Calum started laughing at his friend's pain but was cut short when the thin brunette turned to glare at him. Not because of the glare itself, because Troye glaring was as intimidating as a kitten drinking milk. But because of the state he was in.

His face was blotched, all red and there were fresh tear tracks on his cheeks. His eyes were glossy and he seemed like he hadn't slept in days, with dark bags under them. Calum's mind couldn't catch up quick enough to prevent the small  _"Oh,"_ that fell from his lips as own his face fell.

Troye winced at his expression, quickly turning around and wiping his face with the sleeve of his sweater. He defiantly stared down at the tiles below his fingers, as if he could erase the previous scene Calum had seen. 

The cellist blinked a few times, trying to make sense of the situation. But then he remembered his own pain, all his sleepless nights crying over impossible things,  _wishing_ for impossible people to hold him through them, and that made his mind up.

He power walked towards his friend, pulling him up even as he protested quietly and pulled him to his chest, wrapping his arms firmly around his thin frame and holding him in place. It took a few seconds but eventually Troye's arms circled around his waist, locking over his back tightly. He began crying and Calum did the only thing he could think of to make him feel better. He stroked his back soothingly, just like Michael always did, tangling one hand in his soft dark curls. He deliberately ignored the stab in his heart, as he thought of Michael, because with Troye sobbing onto his chest, it felt selfish to even acknowledge it.

Eventually Troye calmed down, hiccuping and making them both laugh as knee jerk reactions to the sudden sound. Calum kept holding him, not daring to make false promises of things getting better, because he really didn't know what was going on. But he was silent, offering his companionship and hoping that Troye would read between the lines that he was there for him, no matter what.

It seemed as if Troye did because he stepped back, separating his body from the cellist but giving him a thankful smile. It didn't quite reach his eyes but Calum counted it as something, because he'd stopped crying and he seemed a bit, lighter, like some of the weight had fallen off his shoulders.

He turned back to the piano, sitting on the stool and handing Calum the sheets where he assumed the song, he had just heard, was written. Calum put down his cello, taking a chair from the other side of the room and bringing it right next to where Troye was seated, before he took the composition again in his hands.

The tittle read 'TOO GOOD' and as he began reading the lyrics, his own heart clenched, hurting as every line resonated with him. Phrases about hiding love and trying not to show how much the other person was needed were seeping through him, making his eyes misty as he got to the end. 

"It's beautiful." He whispered, because he didn't trust his voice to go any higher.

Troye didn't lift his head up to look at him, but his mouth turned into a small smile, more sad than grateful but a smile nonetheless. He sighed deeply, closing his eyes.

"It's so hard sometimes isn't it. You think you know them, they're perfect. They're basically... Everything you wished for. But there's always a catch isn't it?"

Calum swallowed thickly, because even if Troye had read his mind, he couldn't have voice out his thoughts any more accurately. So he nodded, a little faster with every nod as he let a few of his own tears fall, not enough to be able to make a huge mess. Just enough to get it off his chest. 

"How the fuck did we end up here?" He asked, because really, he wanted to know. How did two australian twenty year olds end up weeping in a new yorkan rehearsal room the just happened to be in the University of their dreams, over two other guys that didn't seem all they had hoped for. 

Troye let out a dry laugh, letting his side fall against Calum, resting his head on the tawny boy's broad shoulder. "It's fucking depressive man." He added, taking the sheet from Calum's hands and tracing the words with his slender fingers. 

Calum nodded again, because it was true. They were miserable, depressed and by the looks of it horribly in love with the wrong people. 

"What are we gonna do?" Calum asked, because maybe Troye, unlike himself, actually had a plan to be able to cope. 

The same dry laugh huffed out of Troye's plump pink lips, as he straightened himself up, leaving Calum's side cold where he'd previously been. He spread the sheets across the sheet holder and turned to look at his audition partner. 

Troye's baby blue eyes were a mix of so many emotions; sadness, resignation, anger but most of all, determination. 

"Do you love him?" He asked all of a sudden, surprising Calum with the sudden question. He didn't even need to think about the answer though, his tongue was already halfway through with it before he could reel it back in. 

"Yeah." 

"Me too. So this is what we're gonna do." He paused, looking Calum dead in the eye like he wanted to make sure they were on the same page. "We're gonna write shitty songs about them, we're gonna cry and we're gonna build ourselves back together and show them they can't do this. They can't hurt us this fucking way."

Even though Calum wasn't convinced in the least he could stay away from Michael, much less make him see that he was "worth it" in some way, he really wanted Troye to. He wanted Troye to be the same strong, confident, sassy boy he'd met all those months ago.

So he nodded, trying his hardest to look like he believed in the commitment he was agreeing to and seeing Troye's eyes light up a bit, made it worth it. They boy gave him a quick hug, before turning back to the instrument and poising his fingers over the keys.

"Okay let's do this." He said, and with that he breathed in and out before starting again. 

_"Scared my love, you'll go..."_

* * *

"I um- I wrote you something."

The good thing about Calum was, he knew how weak he was, so he didn't berate himself too hard when he gave in and called the cuddle service three days later. 

As soon as he'd said hello, Luke had cut him off, saying his order had been placed and that his cuddler would arrive within minutes. It had been such a stark contrast to his usual soothing bubbly voice, that Calum was taken aback, stuttering to find the right answer before finally replying. After an uncertain _"Okay,"_ , Luke hadn't even said goodbye, hanging up the phone a second after Calum's response.

That was odd, and he'd contemplated asking Michael about it when he came by but as soon as he saw red hair and green eyes, any other thoughts were thrown out the window. 

So now, as he wiggled around in the pale boy's arms to be able to face him properly, the thought didn't even cross his mind. He was too busy drifting his eyes to Michael's soft lazy smile, as they were sprawled on the couch, watching a movie Michael had gushed about for weeks.

The credits were rolling and Michael's lips opened enough to let out a small "Yeah?" before he yawned. The words _adorable_ and  _cute_ kept flashing across his mind like neon lights and Calum had to look away, untangling himself from the mess of limbs they were in, to suppress the overwhelming urge to kiss those red lips. 

While he ruffled through the sheets he'd left on the coffee table, Luke's attitude from earlier came back to him and he absentmindedly told Michael about it. The cuddler sighed heavily, saying that they'd had a fight and Luke was angry at him, so it was possible he was lashing out on anything that had to do with him. Including Calum calling for his service.

It made sense to Calum so he let it go, finally finding what he was looking for and turning to Michael. His green eyes were curious as Calum held his gaze for a minute, before dropping it and staring at the paper in his hands. 

"So ever since you sang that song for me, Jet Black Heart?" He paused, because Michael had never actually told him the name of it. But he figured he was right when the redhead's smile widened and he sat up a bit straighter. "Right, well, ever since you played it, I kind of had an idea for the bridge, and it took me a bit to figure out the right melody but, like, maybe-" 

He was rambling, of course he was. He hadn't thought this through, feeling safe and completely unashamed when he was in Michael's arms. The thing about Michael was that, every time Calum was with him, whether pressed against him or simply in his company, he'd forget about his inhibitions and insecurities. No thought was filtered before speaking and no action was thought out before being executed. So basically his brain would become mush and he'd end up saying stupid things like suggesting to play something for a song that wasn't his and he'd never been asked to contribute to. 

But before his thoughts spiraled out of control, Michael's arm was resting on his shoulder, hand smothering out the lines where his eyebrows creased. At this point his breathe wouldn't even hitch, he'd just ravel in the feeling because after all this time, Michael could just read him so easily he found no point in resisting or objecting. So he just rolled with it and accepted his faith, sinking into the touch and showing appreciation for it.

"Show me what you wrote Cal." He said when Calum's eyebrows were separated, in their normal space again and his cheeks were a bit flushed. 

Dumbly he nodded, getting up to retrieve his bass. Michael from behind him squealed, literally letting out the highest pitched squeal Calum had ever heard before he started chanting "Bass, bass bass!".

Seriously, he'd chosen the dorkiest australian in New York to fall in love with. Leave it to him, to make his shitty luck stoop that low. Nonetheless he enjoyed it, because when Michael wasn't breaking his heart, he actually made him laugh all the time.

Finally plugging it in and sitting crossed legged on the floor, Calum looked back at Michael. 

"Right so, it's just a simple melody 'cause it's more of a build up for what I imagined would be like the chorus coming back in, okay?" He asked.

Michael nodded, so he looked back down to where his long fingers were hovered over A, stringing the chord alone and then covering it with his index. He took a moment to look at the lyrics he'd written before closing his eyes and opening his mouth.  

" _The blood in my veins, is made up, of mistakes,"_ That had been the first line that came to him the day after Michael had shown him the song. It was impossible to get over the words Michael had written, because in some weird parallel way he felt exactly the same. There was a big turmoil going on inside him, and all the could see in himself were mistakes that lead him to his stupid crises and fallouts. So while showering, the phrase had popped into his head so clearly, he'd even rushed out of the bathroom, leaving a wet trail on the floor as he threw open the notebook he kept on his nightstand to write it down. 

_"Let's forget who we are, and dive into the dark,"_ When he'd gone to bed that night, he'd kept thinking about how Michael made him feel. Because even though he felt like a jet black heart, there was something about the cuddler that made him forget who he was. What he was made of. And he knew he was stretching his thought process too much, but if Michael had written that song, then he himself must have felt like a misunderstood heart with demons that were too strong for everyone to process. So he'd thought that maybe, just _maybe_ , they could dive into the dark together and help themselves out.

_"As we burst into color returning to life..."_ And that last part, well. That last part he'd written down the day of the audition, when his hopes were high and his head was in the clouds. Somehow in his mind he'd pictured Michael, making a move, telling him they could actually be a thing. And Calum's fairytale would come true, and they'd become one of those couples that prided themselves in saying they'd saved each other or some stupid bullshit thing. 

The lyrics were over and he opened his eyes, still playing some of the sequence he'd imagined would be a good build up for the chorus to come back. He had really pictured Michael, raspy voice cutting through, pausing every instrument to just have him belt out a raw  _"Cause I've got a jet black heart,"_ to then make way for the rest of the guitar and lyrics. 

He was just about to voice this, lifting his eyes from where they had been watching the chords he was playing when the words got stuck in his throat.

Michael had moved to edge of the couch nearest to Calum, and he was looking at him so intensely the cellist had a hard time keeping his gaze. The pale boy's eyes were a deep dark green color, almost overshadowed with how big his pupils had become. 

There was a long minute, in which neither boy spoke. Calum too scared to say anything and Michael too wrapped up in whatever was going on through his head, a complete mystery. 

The moment broke when Michael huffed out a small "Fuck it," and dropped to the ground, crawling until he was right in front of Calum. Their faces were mere inches apart and Calum's mind, ever the slow one, was struggling to keep up with the current events.

All he knew was Michael's hands were cupping his cheeks, and the distance between them kept getting shorter until they were breathing each other's air and that was the moment Calum's brain finally caught up. It had been only seconds but since his brain had taken too long, he was still in shock, merely just gaping at Michael, a bit crossed eyed. 

"Tell me you want this too." Michael whispered, his breathe hitting Calum's face again and making him feel dizzy with anticipation. He knew he'd never be able to stop his mouth from answering on it's own accord, so he didn't try. Simply heard himself say "I want this." in the firmest voice he'd ever spoken with and that seemed to be enough for Michael. 

The readhead closed the distance between them, pressing his lips to Calum firmly and keeping them there. Two nano seconds later Calum's hands left the neck of his bass and found their way to cup Michael's cheeks too, pressing back just as firmly. 

From there it was a dance between him and Michael, both trying to get rid of the bass that was in between them to be able fit better together, which ended up in them giggling into the kiss and breaking apart to retrieve the instrument. Calum had just managed to lay it down next to them when Michael was climbing onto his lap, straddling him and resting his hands on the back of his neck. 

Contrary to every other time, now Calum's hands had come to rest on Michael's hips and he liked it. So he caught Michael's bottom lip between his own, and gently sucked on it, eliciting a small groan from the other man. As if a switch had been turned on, Michael opened up under Calum's lips, tilting his head and deepening the kiss significantly. 

There was a point where Michael had pushed Calum back, until his back was against the floor and Michael was laying on top of him. He moved his hands slowly towards the small of Michael's back, reveling in the way Michael hummed into his mouth and just resting them there, pressing their bodies closer together as their mouths failed to detach. 

When the air in their lungs was just about to give out, they pulled back and Michael rested his forehead against Calum's, just breathing against his kiss swollen lips. 

"We shouldn't really be doing this." He said, voice barely audible if not for the lack of space between them. Calum didn't move, just swallowed and tried hard not to think about all the places his and Michael's body were pressed against each other. He looked up at the ceiling before speaking the only thing that was on his mind.

"I don't want to stop Mikey." 

The silence this time wasn't as long, but it was just as painful. When Michael's body began shifting on top of him, his heart sank and his stomach dropped but the next thing he knew, Michael's fingers were on his chin, tilting his head down slightly so he could focus on him. 

"I don't want to either Cal." He whispered back, his pupils completely blown and the green in his eyes a darker shade than he'd ever seen them. All sorts of alarms were signaling warnings in the back of Calum's mind, but he sent them all to hell, just like he could see Michael was doing. 

As their eyes did all the talking, Michael shifted again, making himself more comfortable on top of Calum, before closing the distance again and making Calum's eyes flutter shut.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIGHT.
> 
> WELL. 
> 
> (Goes back into hiding)
> 
> I just wanted to explain something really quick about Cal's personality in this fic. From the beginning we see he has a lot of auto-estime and self value issues and those haven't really gone away okay? He just transferred all this into the feelings he built up for michael, so he still has to deal with this, and this is the reason he didn't even try to put up a fight. Cause he still has no confidence, so I just wanted to clear that up to let you guys know that it's a bad thing what he's doing and if you guys ever go through the same you should NEVER be someone's second. You deserve to be the first and only and that's hopefully what Cal will learn in the next few chapters. 
> 
> That's all and thank you again so much for reading until the end. I love seeing your reactions so tell me what you thought okay?


	8. Starve my heart of touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI!!!!!!! Oh god I know it's been so long, but I was away for a few weeks on vacation and then I had to come back and go to work and over all these past weeks have been hectic for me. BUT, as i mentioned before in a comment, I didn't want to just post something that would disapoint you guys and this chapter took me so long to figure out but I'm glad I took my time because I'm super giddy and excited about it. I know the beginnings are slow so bear with me, but I really hope you guys read till the end.
> 
> Also, I'm soooo thankful for your amazing support and kudos, you guys make me smile so hard and are the real motivation behind each update. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 
> 
> WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, ENJOY!

"Do I really _have_ to go?"

For two weeks Ashton had been bugging him to go down to Manhattan for a stroll through the best coffee shop in New York. Calum really didn't understand what the big deal was because neither of them were avid coffee drinkers, preferring a good old Budweiser rather than a steamy dark cup of caffeine. But nonetheless, after a heavy session of guilt-tripping, he'd reluctantly agreed to go to the damn coffee shop, that was half a city away from him. 

He did have a slight suspicion as to why though. Ever since the day he'd run out of the pizza parlor, Ashton had been trying to figure out what was going on with him.

His bulky friend wasn't a quitter, so he'd made it his mission to make Calum talk. He'd tried being blunt about it and addressing the elefant in the room, tried sneaking it into daily banter and had even sent Bryana to squeeze it out of him. But Calum was stronger.

It wasn't like he didn't trust Ash. Of course he did, and he'd walk through fire for him. But he also knew that, if he told Ash what was going on, he wouldn't understand and since it wasn't Calum's brightest idea, he'd probably talk his ear off, and that was something he _really_ didn't want.

Then there was also the part of him that was scared. Scared that if he shared everything that was going on, that his fairytale would end and the spell would break.

See, it had also been two weeks since Michael had kissed him, and Calum was still having a hard time believing it had actually happened.

He'd fantasized it more times than was appropriate, which was why assessing that it had happened in real life was blowing his mind.

Two weeks in and they'd seen each other only once more. There had been shy kisses at first, heavier ones in the end and some body fumbling that had ended with the promise of a next time. In the meantime there was a constant stream of text messages sent between them to ease their wait until they had free time.

After their kiss though, it hadn't felt right to call the service anymore, so it had been the first time Calum had called Michael to his house without previous booking or contracts involved.

It was exhilarating for him and made it easier to drown the tiny voice at the back of his mind that kept screaming _'home-wrecker'_ _._ Because he _knew_ that it was wrong, but it felt so right that he didn't want to let it go.

And that was all that was going through his mind while he was walking down Broadway, mid afternoon sun beaming right down on him and making him a sweaty mess while to his side, Ashton's sculpted arms glistened under his lose tee and he seemed free of salty water over his body.  _How the fuck could he do that? Maybe it was those proteins he was always nagging on about. Maybe if he could try them, then-_

"Earth to Calum!"

Ashton's voice snapped him out of his thoughts and he blinked a couple of times. He hadn't noticed his friend leaving his side, but now Ashton was standing right in front of him, sporting a frown and waving his hand in front of Calum's face to get his attention. 

"Sorry, what?" He asked sheepishly. 

Ashton's frown deepened as his arm fell to his side and he sighed in exasperation, turning on his heels and walking down the sidewalk, getting lost in the rabid crowd of new yorkers around them. 

"Ash, wait up!" Calum yelled behind him, jogging a bit to catch up to the annoyed drummer. He bumped into a couple of people, but they were too rushed to pay attention to him for more than a quick glare. 

"Aw, don't be mad Ash! I just got a little distracted, that's all." He let out when he reached his side again.

Ashton huffed out some air, scoffing and speaking without turning towards his tawny friend. "You're always distracted nowadays Calum. God dammit."

Calum smiled fondly at the boy and draped an arm around his broad shoulders, bringing them closer together.

"I'm sorry Ash, I've got a lot going on but, I'm here now. Okay?"

"Yeah, whatever." Ashton mumbled, struggling to get away from under Calum's hold.

Laughing Calum only held him tighter, circling his arm around Ashton's neck. As his fingers slid over the back of the drummer's neck, the boy unintentionally giggled. The minute he realized, he cut himself off abruptly but it was too late, because Calum's brain had caught this new piece of information in nano seconds. 

"Wait..." He said, gripping his shaggy haired friend tighter to hold him still, "You didn't tell me you were ticklish Ash!"

"Don't you dare Hood." Ashton gritted out but the words were barely out of his mouth before Calum used his weight to trap him and attack his side with his free hand. 

"Calum _stop!_ " Ashton shrieked, trying to escape the cellist's quick fingers. " _No! Not on the ribs!_ _I'm_ _gonna_ _kill_ _you_ _Calum_ _Ho- No!"_

Regardless of his friend's empty threats, Calum didn't stop until Ashton was a giggling mess, heaving and keeping himself up only by holding onto him. There was a stream of people side stepping them and glaring but he didn't care. All he wanted was for Ashton to smile and not be mad at him.

When they'd finally regained their normal breathing patterns and were on their way again, Calum finally asked one of the things that was on his mind. 

"So, what's so special about this coffee shop anyway?"

Ashton's easy smile turned into a mischievous one and Calum felt he wasn't going to like whatever was waiting for him when they'd inevitably get there.

"Just really good coffee Cal." He replied, voice dripping with fein innocence.

"Since when do you like coffee so much Ashton?"

The drummer tried smothering his smirk but just as he was bad at taking selfies, he was bad at trying to hid his schemes.

"Ashton..." Calum tried again, getting worried about whatever it was his friend was getting him into.

"Stop being such a killjoy and grab a cup of coffee with me. Is that too much to ask?" Ashton replied instead, stopping outside a coffee shop that read La Colombe on it's glass door and exhaled hipster chic and expensive. It had nice looking wooden benches outside, and from its huge glass windows tucked under thick looking metal columns, the wooden tables inside and the smell of freshly brewed coffee made Calum's guard lessen down.

Still narrowing his eyes at his best friend though, he reluctantly said _'okay'_ and stepped inside as Ashton opened the door for him.

"Besides," the hazel boy added, "You never know who you might meet."

Turning around to sternly look at him, Calum pointed his index finger at him. "You better not try to set me up Ashton Irwin."

Gasping in offense, Ashton clutched his heart saying. "How dare you Hood? And to think I brought you to the most expensive coffee shop on the upper east side." 

"Alright, alright Drama Queen. Let's go drink your hipster shit."

* * *

 

 

About half and hour later Calum's suspicions were confirmed in the form a fake gasp and a bubbly voice he knew too well.

"Oh. My. God!" He heard a female voice exclaim from behind him and turned to find Bryana, usual black leggings and lose tank top on, hand over her heart and mouth opened in the form of an 'o'. "What are you guys  _doing_ here?"

"What. A. Coincidence!" Ashton exclaimed from behind him and he didn't even have to turn to know he was back to clutching his heart and feighing innocence. _God, how stupid did his friends think he was?_ He rolled his eyes when he saw Ashton was actually doing that. 

A low groan snapped Calum out of his annoyed thoughts and he whipped his head back to assess where it'd come from. The sound belonged to the freakishly tall blonde guy that was next to Bryana, looking as annoyed at her as Calum felt.  _At least, he wasn't the only one who'd been tricked._

"Has anyone told you, you're a really shitty actress?" The guy asked and as Bryana turned to swat him in the chest, Calum couldn't help the booming laugh that escaped his mouth.  _At least someone had put it out there._

His laugh made the corner of the guy's mouth turn into a smirk, even though his cheeks were all red, like he was blushing. At the movement though, Calum's attention was caught by the small black lip ring that decorated the guy's big pink lips. And that's when Calum really let himself take the guy in. 

He had big baby blue eyes and his hair fell messily to the side of his head, making him look like he'd effortlessly gotten out of bed with perfect hair. He had a slight bear that was really working for him and the combination of his tight blue shirt and long gym shorts was truly a gem in Calum's eyes. He also couldn't shake the feeling that he'd seen him before. But he highly doubted he would have ever forgotten a guy  _this hot._

He would have kept openly gawking if it hadn't been for Ashton's huge hand slapping the back of his head and making him yelp. He turned back to glare at his friend and ask what had that been for.

"That's for laughing at my girlfriend." He'd stated and it had been Bryana's turn to laugh at him. 

"Anyways..." She said once she'd sobered, "Mind if we join you guys?"

She look at Calum and he looked back at Ashton, to which the older boy looked over at the freakishly tall blonde and tall blonde looked back at Calum. Sighing in defeat, he scooted on the bench and gestured to the space. "Be my guests."

Bryana squealed and went to sit next to her boyfriend, blonde hair cascading onto the wooden table as she did. The tall blonde lingered for a moment, looking embarrassed to take the seat next to Calum so he patted the space and said "It's alright. I don't bite." And just for the hell of it, he threw in a wink and ignored the way his friends snickered behind him in favor of watching the blush grow on the blonde's face as a easy laugh fell from his lips. 

He ducked his head and heading over to their table, carefully sitting next to Calum. He looked hesitant for a moment before turning his head and leaning a little closer to ask "So what was his excuse?"

The dim lightbulb tucked into a bottle above them casted a soft light on the guy's face and his nose looked so perfect and pointy Calum had to overcome the desire to run his finger along it. Instead he answered "Said he was taking me to the (air quotations) best coffee shop in New York." He rolled his eyes and the blonde did too. "What about hers?"

"She said I needed some caffeine after our work out session and she knew (air quotations) _just where to take me."_ The guy finished, raising his voice a lot to imitate their friend. She shouted a small "Hey!" which made the boys around her laugh harder and her boyfriend to stifle a chuckle. 

When they'd calmed down a bit the blonde angled his body a bit and struck out his hand with a big smile on his face. "I'm Luke."

"Calum." He answered automatically, blinded by the warm cerulean eyes in front of him. He held onto the hand for a bit longer than necessary until his phone buzzed in his pocket, making him jump.

He blushed, excusing himself to look at his phone and for the first time in the whole two weeks, he didn't feel like immediately replying to Michael. It set something funny in his chest and he put his phone back in his pocket, instead trying to focus on the greek God that was next to him, smiling fondly at the couple in front of them while watching them exchange soft kisses and comforting touches. 

"They're so gross it's almost endearing, isn't it?" He whispered, drawing Luke's attention back to him. He laughed softly, nodding his head along and scooting a little closer to Calum. 

"Kind of makes you wish you had someone to be that gross with huh?" He asked, keeping his blue eyes trained on Calum's face. 

Calum's heartbeat got a bit faster, he wasn't going to deny that. But he also felt a sense of guilt tugging at him, making that funky feeling from before come back to him and he adverted his eyes. Thing was he  _did_ want that, more than it was ever acceptable for him to voice out. But he wanted that with someone who had someone else, and he really didn't know how to feel about it. 

There was a beautiful guy in front of him, asking him if he wanted to be in a long lasting relationship like his friends and here he was thinking about another guy, with soft red hair and sparkling green eyes, that was already taken and for some miracle was giving him the time of day. 

Lucky for him though, the guy mistook his silence for shyness, and put a tentative hand on his chin, making him look up from where he hadn't even noticed his gaze had dropped. 

His eyes were warm as he kept his hand on Calum's face and spoke softly. "It's okay to want that you know Cal? Maybe someone else could want that too." And Calum's heart involuntarily did a summersault in his chest. The guy let out a small laugh and dropped his hand from Calum's face but didn't scoot away. He kept his eyes on the tawny boy in front of him and said in an impossibly softer tone. "Maybe someone else could want that with _you_." 

And for the love of God, Calum felt like he had heard that voice a thousand times. Like maybe it could narrate his pathetic life and enhance it just because it was so soothing and gravelly.

He let a small smile etch across his face as he willed the blush from his cheeks to go away, but just as he was about to reply, a ball of crumpled napkins hit the side of his face and he turned to glare at the annoying person he called his best friend. 

"Get a room you two!" He shouted, making the blush on Calum's cheeks double and he really didn't want to turn and see how red Luke's face must have been. 

"Look who's talking." He grumbled back but before he could argue further, Bryana interrupted with a small gasp of her own, making everyone turn to her. 

"Luke, you should invite Calum to the party tonight!" 

The blonde's face lit up, as he turned his head so quickly to Calum, he was worried the boy was going to whiplash. "Oh! Would you come?" He asked, face so hopeful, the cellist already he knew he was going to say yes. But he wanted to know what he was going to get into.

"Depends. What type of party are we talking about?" He asked, playing hard to get. 

"Some friends of mine are throwing an engagement party, and I'm supposed to go... But I kinda need a plus one." He said, looking equal parts hopeful and scared Calum might reject the idea. 

"C'mon Cal! It'll be fun!" Bryana added, and beside her Ashton chipped in his support "Live a little, man!"

Giving in, he sighed dramatically and rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'm in."

"Sweet! It's a date." Luke said and Calum's stomach erupted in butterflies because tonight he had a  _date._ He just hoped he wouldn't find a way to fuck it up. 

* * *

"Stop fussing, you look fine!"

Since he hadn't been on a date since he'd moved to America, Calum enlisted the help of his two annoying yet unconditional friends to help him find the perfect thing to wear. 

After their impromptu coffee shop date, Luke and him had said goodbye, lingering kisses on the cheeks and exchanging phone numbers. They'd all decided it'd be best if Luke picked them up at Calum's place, because it was the closest to the address where the party would be held at. So after Luke had said goodbye and given him one last warm look, he'd taken off with the couple, blushing the whole ride back to his place as they teased him mercilessly about his 'more than friendly exchanges' with the blonde greek god. 

Nonetheless, they proved to be of great assistance in helping him turn his sad closet into potential dating outfits. The problem was Calum, because in his mind, everything made him look too squared, or trying too hard and really, who wouldn't feel self conscious if they had to go out with a guy that exuded beauty even wearing gym shorts and bed hair. He couldn't even imagine what he'd look like cleaned up and trying to impress. _Not that he had any need to impress,_ because as cheesy as it sounded, he literally had Calum at "hello". 

Apparently frustrated with Calum's attitude, Ashton enlisted the best dressed person they knew and called Troye. The boy spent an hour face-timing with them until they finally had put the cellist in a plain back tee, his black skinnies that were ripped at the knees and a grayish brown jacket his sister had bought him for christmas, opened at the sleeves. And since they were the only decent shoes he had, they'd toped it off with his fancy black high tops. 

After showering Calum in compliments, Troye had finally hung up, leaving Bryana with the task of styling Calum's hair while Ashton went out to buy them so clothes for the occasion, since they'd forgotten to bring any with them and their apartments were too far away. 

Calum didn't really know how she could trust Ashton to pick out clothes for her when the boy was known for just winging it when he had to go out or having exotic bold fashion choices that no one ever agreed with. But he didn't voice that out, instead focusing on the iron that she was passing through his hair as she tried to tame the wild curls and turn his fringe into something somewhat decent. 

Two hours later they were all fully dressed, and it turned out that even though Ashton made horrible fashion choices for himself, his taste in women's clothes was increasingly better and the short black dress he bought his girlfriend was exactly what she wanted. 

Calum's doubts were only eased when Luke finally buzzed the intercom and came up. As soon as he opened the door, the boy's lips opened in the form of an 'o' and he shamelessly racked his eyes through the entire expensive of the cellist's body before letting out a low whistle and curving his lips into a smug smile. 

"God damn, I thought you were hot this afternoon Cal. But now you're just taking my breath away." 

Calum could feel the blush heating his entire face to the point he was sure his skin color wasn't even brown anymore, but red. He bashfully smiled and half heartedly said "You don't look so bad yourself," to try and keep his cool.

That was an understatement thought, because Luke actually looked like heaven had stuffed everything that was great and hot and stuffed it into one human being as a gift to the world. He was clad in a black and white tee, with a tight black jacket with leather endings and tight black skinny jeans that did wonders for his long legs. It made Calum laugh though, when he saw they had the same shoes on.

"Yeah, yeah, you can thank _us_ for making your boy look this hot for you." Ashton chimed in from his spot behind Calum. 

Calum went to punch Ashton, in his stupid poka dotted shirt, but before his fist could hit the boy's chest, Luke's hand wrapped around it and took it towards his face, lips gently pecking Calum's closed fingers. 

"They can't take any credit for you beauty Cal. You got that all on your own." He said, winking and then smiling warmly when he saw Calum's barely gone blush return.  _Luke really needed to cool his smooth words or Calum wasn't going to stand a chance against him._

"But anyways," He said turning to the couple that was smirking behind them, "As much as I'd like to stay here and chat about Calum's pretty face, we really are running late guys so let's go." And he stepped away from Calum, loosening his grip on his hand but Calum didn't want him to let go, so instead he opened his palm and let his fingers intertwine with the other boy's. He desperately tried to keep his thoughts at bay when he saw Luke's pale skin contrasting with his. He wasn't going to let Michael get in the way of his night, tonight. He'd enjoy Luke's company and flirting as much as his heart could take, even though he knew he didn't deserve it. 

The ride to the party had further demonstrated Luke's cavalier manners from opening the door for Calum and patting Ashton on the back when he'd done the same for his girlfriend, to letting Calum pick the radio station and smiling brightly at him when he'd pick the station that was playing Fall Out Boy.

The conversation had been easy between the four of them and while they talked, Calum was struggling against his mind as it compared everything Luke did to Michael. How they both had booming laughs, how they both got excited and spoke too loudly when they were passionate about subjects. How they both had the same taste in music and were majoring in the same thing. He vaguely thought they'd be good friends if they ever met each other. But he shook that thought of his mind because it left him further distressed, thinking about a scenario like that.

But there were also some differences. Where Michael was impulsive and invasive, Luke was reserved and gentle. He didn't take Calum's hand like it belong to him, it was more like he was asking permission to touch him. He didn't look at him like he knew exactly what was going on through his mind, but rather like he was trying to decipher it and the young boy couldn't decide if he liked that or not. 

His thoughts came to a hault when they reached their destination and it was time to go in. As he got out of the car he couldn't help but feel nervous because he hated going into social situations where he didn't know people. See the chances of him mingling were always so little and the chances of him making a fool of himself so big. 

Maybe sensing that, Luke took his hand again, squeezing it a bit in a lieu of 'Are you okay?' to which Calum smiled shakily at him, nodding his head and bracing himself when Luke pushed the door to the house open. 

The house was full of people, all looking sharply dressed and he mentally thanked Troye for putting together what he was wearing because at least he fit right in. There were balloons all around, funny party decorations and alot of booze on expensive looking glass tables. Nice looking sofás were spread all around and the mood was buzzing with excitement. 

There was a huge 'Congratulations' banner hanging from the ceiling right in the middle of the huge lounge and it wasn't like any engagement party Calum had ever been to. But maybe things, as most of the time he realized, were different with americans. So he simply followed his friends as they went over to one of the tables with alcohol and silently listening in as they talked about how sweet the proposal had been. 

One of the guys, Andy they'd called him, had taken his boyfriend to an old arcade because the guy was obsessed with video games and had popped the question right there, between ancient consoles and machine made popcorn. Again his mind wondered back to Michael, thinking how would he have reacted if Calum had done the same, because he'd never met someone as crazy about video games as that boy.  _God, he missed him._ As soon as he got home, he'd make sure to reply the messages he'd left him earlier in the day. 

Again he was snapped out of his thoughts by Ashton's voice when he said "Ah, there's the happy couple." 

He turned around to see the exact boy he had been thinking about, in a dark blue button up and tight black pants, happily smiling at another man with jet black hair and black over all attire that was holding his hand. There was a shiny silver band around one of his fingers as they held their hands up for the crowd to see. 

There was a moment where Calum's world stopped and he went blank, watching the scene before him. Then one single thought struck him: This was Michael's engagement party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LISTEN. YES, you can scream with me, I know.
> 
> BUT I PROMISE THERE'S A GOOD REASON FOR THIS and you'll see everything unfold the next chapter. 
> 
> PLEASE DON'T HATE ME, I LOVE YOU ALL TOO MUCH. 
> 
> Also it's one in the morning, i have work tomorrow and if there's any grammar mistakes i beg you forgive me.


	9. Don't keep love around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well guys,
> 
> I'll be honest to say this week has been so hard on me emotionally, and it took me sooooo long to get right what I wanted to capture in this chapter but I'm crossing fingers and hoping you guys enjoy it as much as I did once it was done.
> 
> Bare with me, the start is slow but I'm excited for this. This also means we're nearing the end and there'll probably be like three more chapters and then its done. 
> 
> But as usual, your comments make my whole damn week and I'm always on the edge when I post because the way you guys receive this story and how you get into every chapter, leaves me speechless. SO THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for loving this story as much as I do!
> 
> So now.. ENJOY!!

"C'mon, let's go say hi!"

It was like watching a horrible car crash and not being able to pull away. Calum didn't know how long he stayed there staring, mind on overdrive and heart breaking. 

From his place next to the fancy table with different beverages, he could see Michael talking excitedly with a couple that was in front of him, red lips pulled into a blinding smile as he showed the girl the ring on his finger. Next to him, _Andy_ , looked at him with pure adoration in his almond shaped eyes, just like he had that day at the restaurant when Calum had first seen them together. 

And even when we was seeing it, Calum was just dumbfounded, staring in absolute shock because it couldn't be. There was  _no way,_ that Michael,  _his Michael,_ was in front of him, with a ring on his finger and a man by his side. 

He vaguely registered Luke's hand in his, tugging him along and making him get closer to the vision in blue that was Michael. His feet were moving on autopilot and his pulse was quickening every step he took. He could feel Ashton and Bryana behind him, and their voices sounded excited as they were nearing the engaged couple, but he couldn't utter a single word, feeling trapped under his brain's stupor. 

Michael saw Luke first, green eyes sparkling even more when he called the blonde boy over. The couple he was talking to withdrew, hugging Michael and his fiancée and waving goodbye as they moved aside to give them way.

And that was the moment everything went to shit.

In slow motion he saw Michael's eyes light up even more when Luke was fully in his view, saw him trail down his eyes to where their hands were intertwined. Saw his red lips pull into a teasing smirk, aimed to embarrass his friend and held in his breath when those green eyes finally stopped at his face. 

It was the moment of the impact, when the two cars crash and there's nothing that can be done. Michael's eyes widened, his green orbs immediately darkening and his jaw dropped.

And that was what made Calum snap. All the stillness and silence in his brain being fastfoward and bashing him head first into the moment he was in. 

He became hyperaware of Michael's expression, halted halfway between horrid and curious. Of his fiancée next to him, giving one armed hugs to Ashton and Bryana so he wouldn't have to let go of Michael's hand. Of the way Luke's hold tightened around his own hand and how the blonde's full attention was on him, as if he was trying to gauge what Calum's reaction would be.

It took a couple of seconds to make the connection, but once it finally hit him he wanted to punch himself in the face, run away and delete the past four months of his life. Better yet, go back in time and rewind to the moment he decided leaving the comfort of Australia was a good idea. 

Because now he had to deal with the fact that Luke, the Luke that had held his chin and made him blush, the Luke that had let him pick out the music in his car and hadn't let go of his hand since they'd left his apartment, was the  _same_ Luke that had answered the phone for him numerous times over the past for months. The he was the  _same_ Luke that had a soothing voice and comforting words whenever Calum called feeling like a mess of emotions and most importantly, the same Luke who knew how much he was attached to Michael. 

Calum knew the Luke on the other line of the cuddle buddies service was Michael's best friend, that they lived together and had come to Australia together, chasing their dreams.

But that also meant the probability of him knowing about the thing he and Michael had going on was high, and that he too might have pieced some of it together and was trying to figure out whether the guy holding his hand at the moment was the same needy and pathetic Calum he'd had to deal with multiple times a week for the past couple of months. 

This whole epiphany dawned on him in the span of ten horrible seconds in which no one else except for him, and probably Michael, knew what was going on. 

Survivor instincts kicked in and Calum felt himself squeeze Luke's hand back, turning his body towards the boy and smiling despite himself.

"Well Lukey, are you gonna introduce me or are you just gonna look at my pretty face?" He said, and he mentally patted himself on the back, because he had no idea where the sassy firm flirty tone had come from. 

Luke, bless his soul, blinked once before regaining his footing and smiling sheepishly, a chuckle tumbling from his lips as he shook his head and brought Calum closer to him. He let go of the cellist hand, instead wrapping his arm around his back until his pale fingers were resting against Calum's hipbone securely.

"Guys, this is Calum." He said, smiling at his friends and then back at the tawny boy. "And Calum, this is my best friend Michael. And the best thing that's ever happened to _him_ ; Andy."

If someone would have put a stethoscope over Calum's heart, they would have heard it's metaphorical pieces shattering at that exact moment. But he felt as if, the bigger the pain inside was, the braver he became on the outside.

So with the same smile he had etched on his face, he turned to take the hand that Andy was streching out to him,  _finally_ letting go of Michael's hand.

"Pleasure to meet you Calum." He replied in the deepest voice the cellist had ever heard.

Up close, Calum felt a spike of jealousy run wild within him when he took in the man's broad shoulders and slender figure, that cased perfectly with the raven black hair that cascaded just under his ears and the icy blue eyes that were looking at him warmly. His cheekbones were sharp and pulled up as his thin lips stretched out in a kind smile, somehow working with the tattoos running along his long pale neck and the piercing's adorning his face.

His expression was inviting and sincere and latter on Calum's conscious would pester him about it, but in that moment he was too blinded by heartache and pain to give a damn.

"Pleasure's all mine Andy." He said, firmly shaking the faire man's tattooed hand and dropping it in favor of turning towards Michael.

Over the seconds it'd taken Calum to regain himself, Michael had done the same, and now his expression wasn't so much of horrified and much more of something that Calum couldn't quite make out, but it made his blood boil all the same.

Extending his own hand, he challenged. "Pleased to meet you too Michael."

There was a second of hesitation where Calum knew Michael was staring into his soul and deciphering where he was going with all of this and he resisted the urge to slap him, or kiss him, and then slap him again.

"Pleasure's all _mine_ , Calum." He finally replied, accepting the hand he was extending and shaking it a bit too hard.

Michael lingered his hand for a second too long and Calum recoiled immediately, not wanting to recall any past moment because it wasn't worth it anymore. _Nothing_ _was_ _worth_ _it_ _anymore_ _._

"Michael. Be _nice_." Andy's baritone voice warned, and Luke second his thought, pulling Calum back into his side and away from the redhead.

"Sorry about that, Michael's like the big brother I already have but never asked for." Luke apologized, glaring harshly at Michael before turning to look at his date apologetically.

Bryana laughed to his side and Calum finally remembered she was there. Turning to them he found her, happily oblivious enjoying the banter while Ashton had his arms folded across his wide chest, staring intensively at Calum.

He felt small under his gaze and quickly turned away, making a mental note to himself to stay clear out of his way the rest of the night. The last thing he wanted was to be confronted about anything that was going on.

"Don't worry, it's nice to know he cares about _you_." He turned to Luke, smiling sweetly even though he felt every word coming out of his mouth like poison.

"And where are my manners," He continued, turning with the same smile towards Andy. "Congratulations to you both. Just because he could, he turned to Michael with the same expression and added "You must be so happy."

Something shifted in Michael's eyes and the thundering green was overshadowed completely, eyes darkening to a scary shade. His lips remained sealed in a permanent frown that Calum would _never_ find adorable. _Damn his stupid heart and his stupid feelings._

The tension between them must have been more visible than he imagined because Andy was quick to interviene.

"I hate to interrupt whatever alfa male staring contest is going on here," He said, gently nudging Michael's side. "But babe, we need to give our speeches."

That seemed to finally tear Michael's attention away from Calum and towards his fiancée.

It took him a minute to reply, eyes staring blankly ahead but his voice was firm once he did, back turning to the group and hand reaching out for Andy's.

"Let's get this over with."

* * *

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Calum had watched Michael walk away with Andy, heading towards the middle of the crowded lounge, and stopping right under a chandelier that was probably more expensive than his whole tuition feed. 

The soft punk rock playing in the back had stopped gradually and microphones were in their hands as the people around quieted down and Andy began his speech.

And thank God Luke had insisted on staying a little behind, probably not wanting Michael to be more "hostile" around Calum, like he'd said before, and again Calum thanked all the deities above for the oblivious soul he was walking hand in hand with. Because he didn't think he could keep his façade up if he had to look closely as the couple declared their love to each other.

But either way, it all went to shit as he kept on hearing Andy speak about Michael. How they'd met, what their first date had been like and the moment he'd decided he wanted to keep Michael around forever.

Because  _fuck,_ Calum  _knew_ what that was like, had probably felt it since the moment the redhead appeared at his front door in the middle of the night.

But the more he heard Andy talk, the more he felt invalidated. Because Andy had years of memories and stories to base off his love for Michael. He knew him inside out and in the long run, he'd been there more times than Calum could even imagine. Calum on the other hand was high on a few months of tender cuddles and soothing words, that most likely meant nothing to Michael, more than a notch in his bedpost and a line in a song.  _Fuck he hated himself so much._

So when Michael finally began to speak, cheeks red and eyes glazed over, Calum quietly excused himself, extracting his hand from Luke's soft pale one and heading towards the hallway he'd spotted the bathroom at earlier. 

He'd stayed there for a long time, unable to look away from his reflection and hating absolutely everything that stared back at him. The muffled sound of Michael's voice had stopped some time ago and his phone was buzzing with incoming messages but he couldn't bring himself to check who it was. He didn't want to know. 

After he thought enough time had passed, he washed his hands, splashing water on his face as well and thinking of an escape route to make a quick and clean exit from this hell of a party he was in. 

He had only stepped out and turned back to close the door, when someone began pulling him away and down the hall. By the way the hand gripped his forearm and the smell of hugo boss filling his nostrils, he knew exactly who it was. 

And he sighed, because he knew it wasn't going to end well. 

So when Michael opened a door and ushered him inside, the only thing his mouth was able to sneer from his place in the middle of what looked like a guest bedroom was: "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

The cuddler closed the door quietly and then turned to him, eyes wide and bewildered, throwing his arms up and down frantically as he asked Calum "Where the fuck have you been? I've been looking all over this god damn place for you!"

That only made Calum madder because why the _fuck_ would Michael be looking for him. And he voiced that right out.

"Why the fu- Calum, why the fuck would I _not_ be looking for you?!" He asked back, looking at Calum liked _he_ was the crazy one.

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe because this is _your_ _fucking_ engagement party and you have a _fucking fiancée_ that's probably looking for _you_ right now. Does that ring a bell?"

A small spike of victory filled his chest when Michael's face fell and his mouth closed shut, trapping inside whatever he was about to retort back to the tawny boy.

For a moment it was silent and then Michael spoke softly, in that way that always made Calum's heart swell up.

"I- fuck, I'm so sorry Cal." He ran a hand through his fiery red hair and Calum pushed down the urge of running his fingers through it one last time. _He'd_ _keep his dignity for as long as he_ _could_ _._

"Oh yeah? For which part? The whole leading me on or the one where you forgot to mention you were _fucking_ engaged?"

At that Michael's head snapped back up, green eyes impossibly round as his expression morphed into an alarmed apologetic look.

"What? No- Cal, I- I never meant to lead you on! The engagement happened yesterday and I tried! I tried texting you _all_ day! I even called you! But you never answered!"

And that made Calum pause because yeah, Michael had texted him a lot that day but he was so wrapped up in Luke and trying to put some distance between him and his red headed cuddler, he didn't pick up his phone once, the whole day.

He slowly pulled out his phone, never taking his eyes off the screen because he wasn't brave enough to look Michael in the eye anymore.

 **15 new messages: <Mikey>**

As Calum strolled through the messages his eyes began prickling with tears and he tried to reel them in because he knew this time, he wouldn't have Michael's comforting hands around him to dry them.

He'd lost that chance when he'd decided not to pick up his phone that day.

He looked back up, and his same broken expression was mirrored by Michael's face. The pale boy's eyes were also watery, and the raging green from an hour ago was now a juniper shade.

Slowly though, as if he was being pulled in subconsciously, Michael stepped closer to Calum, being cautious as if he was trying not to scare the boy away.

But Calum wasn't going to run, all the fight had left his body as the messages replayed around his mind.

 **Cal. I** **need** **to** **talk** **to you.**

 **Cal.** **It's** **important** **,** **I** **need** **you** **to** **tell** **me** **something** **.**

 **Cal** **please** **pick up,** **I** **need** **to tell** **you** **something** **and** **it's** **very** **important** **.**

 **Alright** **Cal.** **I've** **made my** **decision** **.** **I'm** **so sorry.**

As per usual, Michael seemed to be more in tune with Calum's thoughts than Calum himself and he spoke softly again, eyes dancing between pity and sorrow.

"I wasn't trying to lead you on Cal. God knows I lo-" He paused, taking in a sharp breath and shaking his head, before speaking up again. "I fucking like you Cal. So. Much."

Calum felt the tear drop before he could force it back in and that was enough for Michael to bridge the space between them and cup Calum's face.

"I like you so much my chest hurts every time I see you Cal. And it drives me crazy. Because when I'm not with you, I'm constantly thinking about you. Wanting to know how you are and if you're feeling alright, if someone has told you that day how freaking amazing you are and how much you're worth-"

"Mikey stop." He said softly, dropping his gaze to their overlapping shoes because that was easier than holding the intense gaze Michael's eyes had on him.

"What about Andy?" He forced himself to ask, because it was impossible to ignore the elefant in the room.

Michael sighed softly in front of him, but didn't drop his hands from Calum's face.

"That's the thing Cal. Before you, Andy was all I ever wanted. Believe me, I wanted this whole thing. The white picket fence, the dog, the kids and the American dream with him."

Calum made the mistake of looking up at that and not being able to look away.

"But when you came along, it all changed Cal."

"Then why are you going to marry him Michael?" He winced at the way his voice broke at the end, making the devastation he felt inside loud and clear for the empty room.

"Because you don't love me Cal." Michael whispered back, eyes finally shying away from Calum's and a small tear falling down his rosy cheek. "And he does."

Calum's eyes widened and he clung to Michael's wrist hard to try grounding himself.

"But Mikey, I-"

And then the door was yanked open.

* * *

The funny thing about Calum's life is the universe had a really nice timing, to fuck him up. So really he should have been expecting it when Luke's voice reached his ears.

"No," Was all he said at first, making Calum and Michael freeze on the spot, unable to move. "No fucking way."

From behind, Calum could imagine what it looked like, but if Luke were to get closer, he knew it wouldn't have helped them out either.

"Please don't tell me you're Michael's Calum." Luke spoke again, tone urgent while his voice got closer and Calum closed his eyes because, _really,_ _this could only be happening to him_.

The statement though, made Michael's hands drop from his face, turning around towards his best friend.

Now that his line of vision was clear, Calum could see Luke, desperate blue eyes wide with slippery hope, while a shocked Bryana and an impassive Ashton were right behind him.

Neither him nor Michael made a single sound and this prompted Luke once more.

"I mean, I know Calum isn't a commun name but I was praying it wasn't you. It _couldn't be you._.." He said, voice trailing off as his shoulders slumped and Calum was torn between feeling guilty and wanting to hug Luke until he didn't have that sad defeated expression on his face. _God his mind was a mess._

But in the end he did neither, because Michael spoke up for the both of them.

"Listen Luke, I can explai-"

"Save it Michael." Luke cut him off, waving a defeated hand around and Calum was about to speak up again, but time was definitely not on his side tonight.

"What's going on guys?" Andy's voice came from within the corridor and everyone jumped at it.

Five pairs of wide eyes stared back at him in silence and Andy's expression morphed into weary confusion. He stepped closer and wordlessly the three at the door stepped aside to let him in.

"What's going on guys?" He asked again, tone skeptical as he turn to Michael, looking expectantly at him.

This time no words came to Calum's mouth and apparently Michael's brain decided to go the same way because they were both silent.

In the end neither of them broke the silence.

"Andy, you need to talk to your fiancée." Ashton spoke up, voice firm as he strode into the room, taking charge.

"Calum, you're coming with me. No questions asked." He pointed at the brunette and like a reprimanded child Calum's head bowed down and he started walking towards the bulky man.

But Michael's pale hand stopped him, gripping his wrist, making panic and sadness charged at Calum's heart like a Trojan army. He looked into Michael's eyes and desperation shook both of them. He couldn't bring himself to move away from Michael's touch as much as Michael couldn't seem to let him go. 

"Michael," Ashton said finally, getting closer to them and unhinging firmly Michael's fingers from Calum's skin. "Stay the fuck away from Calum. You've done enough already."

And with that, Ashton repositioned his hand where Michael's had been, grip firm but gentle as he tugged Calum towards the door.

He looked back once more at Michael, seeing his own devastation reflected in the boy's face but it was like he had no more fight left in him. He couldn't save what they had anymore, he couldn't even save _himself_. So he let Ashton take him towards the door, handing him over to Bryana.

The blonde girl wrapped her skinny arms around his waist, shifting his attention to her and leading them out of the suffocating room, pressing close to him in an effort to comfort his breaking heart. 

He heard Ashton say "Luke, I'm sorry man," before slipping out of the room and closing the door shut behind him.

His tears were starting to fall down again and he was waiting for the blow. The moment when Ashton would demand to know what Calum had gotten himself into and the scolding that would come after. But as per usual, Calum was wrong.

Ashton stopped right next to him, clasping his hand around Calum's own cold one and tugging on it until the cellist looked his way.

In the dim light of the hallway, he looked older than he really was, and wiser. His hazel eyes were laced with concern and worry, but Calum was surprised to see there was no disgust in them. The hard expression he had pictured many times was no where to be seen, instead, making him feel safe for the first time since he'd seen Michael that night. 

The drummer's expression softened even more once he saw Calum's round dowey eyes surprised and he shared a look with his girlfriend, who tightened her hold around the tawny boy's slender waist, pressing her head against his rigid arm. 

With a reassuring smile, Ashton spoke softly. 

"C'mon buddy, you're coming home with us tonight."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL.
> 
> WHATCHA THINK? 
> 
> Something I really wanted was to capture that Michael isn't a douche guys! He really cares for Calum, but love isn't as easy all the time and feelings are super messy. So yeah, bad timing and confused feelings are also a part of this but i hope you guys changed your mind a little about Mikey in this fic. I'M DYING TO HEAR WHAT YOU THINK SO TELL ME.
> 
> ALSO. SLFL HAS STARTED AND I SWEAR THE FIRST TIME I HEARD BROKEN HOME LIVE I PROBABLY CRIED FOR 20 MINUTES SO COME FANGIRL WITH ME ABOUT THAT!!


	10. Color me blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYYYSSSSSSSS, I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED FOR THIS CHAPTER. The last scene is one that I thought about writing since the begining of the fic and we're finally at a place WHERE I CAN! 
> 
> YOUR COMMENTS ARE BEYOND BELIEF AND THE KUDOS????? THANK YOU ALL FOR READING THIS AND MAKING IT SOMETHING SO MUCH MORE THAN WHAT I EVER HOPE FOR.
> 
> ENJOOOYYYYY. (And beware I wrote this under heavy influence of Blue, Lost Boy and Talk me down).
> 
> Ps: Also, Andy in the fic is Andy Biersack. Just so you guys can picture him better ;)

Soft sunlight warming his face was what made Calum stir awake. 

For a moment he regretted not having closed the blinds before he rolled over, trying to pull the covers over his head and burying his face on the pillow. He inhaled, expecting to take in the smell of woolite and the cheap dior cologne he'd bough in chinatown. But his breathe hitched when he didn't register any of those smells.

The pillow underneath his nostrils smelled like body spray and strawberries and Calum's eyes shot wide open in shock. He struggled to untangle himself from where he was buried under the sheets, resting on his elbows as his eyes scanned over fairy lights hanging from the ceiling and the wooden walls packed with posters that weren't actually his. His mind was on overdrive, trying to recall anything that would be familiar, and he only felt himself sigh in relief when his eyes rested on the picture frame hanging on the wall next to him.

Under a white wooden frame, Bryana and Ashton's faces were pulled close, blonde and hazel hair mingling as their eyes were closed and their dimpled smiles were wide. He knew that picture was taken on one of their first trips to the dessert, way before he'd met them and way before they'd broken up. 

It made a small smile stretch across his own face as he rested himself against the pillows again, letting his friends' scents wash over him until his brain seemed to catch up to reality and revisit why he was currently sleeping in their bed.

He remembered being guided out of the party by them, each by his side like they were his own personal security team against the heartache he'd taken with him from the party. Remembered Bryana gently telling him that he'd be fine, that they'd help him work through it while Ashton went to buy their tickets for the subway. Remembered how Ashton had taken his hand and hadn't let go the whole ride, not dropping it once until they'd spilled onto the sidewalk and rounded the corner of 14th with west 12, where the drummer's apartment building was. 

The ride up the five flights of stairs was a blur of silent tears and quite sniffles for Calum. He wasn't really proud of it.

When they'd entered the apartment, Calum had immediately spotted the beat up couch Ashton had found the first week he'd been in the city, in the middle of the dimly lit living room, wanting nothing more than to drop himself on the brown cushions and cry himself into oblivion. 

But as always, he underestimated his friends, because the minute he'd set his eyes on the couch, Ashton had set his eyes on  _him._

_"You're sleeping with us tonight Cal."_ He'd said, using that fatherly tone that always made Calum feel like a child when he was around him. He'd tried objecting to it, because he was broken as _fuck_ but he still had two ounces of shame to put up a fight over having to sleep _with his friends_.

The thing was, Ashton was even more stubborn than Calum could ever be, so when the cellist had refused to move from his spot next to the door, the hazel haired boy had simply picked him up with his body builder arms, like he weighed nothing more than a feather, and carried him into his bedroom, with Bryana's soft laughter trailing behind them.

Calum had pouted and crossed his arms the minute he'd been dumped onto the bed, but just like a child throwing a tantrum, the couple hadn't taken him seriously. Bryana had taken out a pair of pijama bottoms and a ratty t-shirt that belong to Ashton and handed them over to him, giving him a light kiss on the cheek and taking her own sleeping clothes to the bathroom down the hall.

Ashton had chuckled at Calum's baffled expression, taking some shorts from a drawer and a cut out tee, and playfully nudging Calum into changing as well, when the boy seemed to dumbfound to react at all. 

After they'd changed and the blonde girl had come back from the bathroom, they'd lifted the covers, ushering Calum in the middle and laying down right by him, each on either side.

If anyone were to ask, Calum would say it was the most mortifying experiences of his life, but truth be told, the moment they encased their arms around him, he'd felt his walls break down and a sense of safety engulf him, that he hadn't felt since the moment Michael had kissed him. It was that feeling that made any remaining strength he'd had left in him vanish, and he'd broken down for real. Ugly tears had strolled down his cheeks as he'd curled up against Ashton's chest and heaved with the pain. 

The couple hadn't asked anything, had only held on tighter, Bryana's thin tanned arms overlapping with Ashton's thicker ones around his middle, until somewhere along the night, they'd all fallen asleep, limps tangled and bodies pressed close to keep the pain at bay. He remembered his last fleeting thought had been, he didn't deserve the friends he had, before he'd drifted off into dreamless sleep. 

He was snapped out of his reminiscing thoughts as he heard a soft knock on the door. 

"Come in." He answered, sitting himself up right as he pushed the pillows back against the wooden headboard.

The door opened slowly to reveal a disheveled looking Ashton, still clad in his sleeping clothes with a cozy looking mug in his hands and a warm smile folding his face. 

"How're you feeling today champ?" He asked, popping the 'p' and making Calum laugh because he was only twenty five but he sounded so much like a Dad, it made him look older. He told the drummer just that and the boy only chuckled slightly, but he kept silent, eyes laced with concern as he waited for Calum's answer.

"I'm..." The cellist trailed off because truthfully, he hadn't been awake that long to assess how exactly he was feeling. 

"Ready to talk?" Ashton offered from his spot under the doorframe, shrugging as Calum looked up at him.

He figured he'd lost any dignity or self pride the moment he'd broken down on Ashton's bed and held onto his shirt like it was the only thing keeping him alive. So, maybe, it  _was_ time to talk and be honest with his best friend, who'd been there even when he'd hid too many things of his life from the past months. 

He finally looked up at the expectant hazel eyes who were waiting on him and nodded.

"Good," Ashton said, fully entering the room and closing the door behind them. "It's about damn time."

* * *

"Can I ask the most obvious question right now?"

"Go ahead."

"Why the _fuck_ didn't you tell me?"

After Ashton had entered the room and set the mug down on his nightstand, Calum had scooted over on the bed and they'd sat crisscrossed in front of each other. The cellist had began at the start, going all the way back to when he'd arrived in New York and how dislocated and alone he'd felt.

He'd made his way into meeting Ashton, but not yet fully trusting him and the dreadful night he'd given into the drummer's suggestion of the cuddle service

A word vomit later, he'd told him all about Michael, and Madame DeLouise and the lack of hope and talent he felt inside. Told him about seeing Michael with Andy at the restaurant, about his mentor's harsh words that kept breaking him apart and about the songs he'd written and the kisses he'd shared.

He relived the painful moment Michael had confessed he thought Calum didn't love him and was thankful Ashton took his hand and interlaced their fingers tightly, giving the tawny boy an anchor to keep himself grounded when he started slipping away.

So after all was said and done, he'd given Ashton a few minutes to process all he'd heard, and of course his brilliant best friend had come up with the most generic question of all times.

"Didn't you _just_ hear me Ash?" He replied, trying not to be annoyed at the shaggy haired man in front of him. "I still didn't trust you."

"But _why_ Cal?" He asked back, his voice breaking a little at the end and immediately making Calum lose all the annoyance inside. Ashton seemed baffled and hurt by what Calum had told him.

"I... I don't know Ash." He said finally, eyes casted down and hand coming to rest on the nape of his neck. "I guess," Calum paused, dropping his hands on his lap and looking down at the white sheets below him. "I was afraid of losing you Ash. And I thought that if- If I told you what was going on through my mind, that you'd see how fucked up I was and you wouldn't want to deal with me. Then I'd be all alone again."

He felt raw and opened in front of his best friend, feeling like he _really_ didn't deserve to call him that if he had never given anything in the friendship.

But suddenly, there was a large pair of hands gripping his shoulders, shaking him a little and making him look up.

"Calum _Thomas_ Hood, I'm gonna say this once and I need you to focus all your attention on me, okay?" He said slowly, not waiting for the cellist to answer before continuing. "From the moment you walked in and interrupted my rehearsals, you became my best friend. And the night you came to my house with that colombian coffee you _know_ I love from down the street and a gallon of ice cream, remember that? When me and Bryana had that _stupid_ fight; that was the moment I _knew_ you were my best friend.

"So what I'm saying is. If you were there for me when I most needed you, and you listen to the stupid shit I say _every_ _day_ , _how the fuck_ am I going to run away when you tell me how you're feeling inside? It doesn't make sense Cal."

"A lot of things don't make sense Ash," He muttered back weakly, but he was too overwhelmed by the things the man had just said to him, to put any heart into the comeback. "I'm sorry Ash, I just-" He sighed in frustration, because he had been so wrapped inside his own head, he hadn't even  _thought_ about the alternative outcomes that could have happened if he'd been honest from the start. 

"I was scared you know? Really fucking scared."

"So scared you had to go call a stranger to help you Cal?" He said and his eyes were sad and disappointed.

"Hey! That's not fair," Calum retorted. "You were the one that suggested it!"

"Because at the time _I_ didn't _have_ anyone Cal!" He threw his hands up in frustration but settled them back down on Calum's shoulders. "But if I'd known you, I would have never called them Cal. Because then I would have had _a best friend to run to_."

Calum didn't want to argue anymore so he sighed and nodded, apologizing again and promising that from now on things would be different. Then he promised himself inside that he'd really change for the best. _Lord_ _knows_ _he_ _needed_ _it._

"And what about Michael?" Ashton asked, catching Calum off guard with the sudden change of topic.

"What do you mean?"

"What are you gonna _do_ about him Cal?" He asked as if it was the most obvious thing he could've said.

"What am I _supposed to do?_ " He questioned back in frustration. " He's fucking getting married."

"Yeah but-" Ashton went to counter-argue but Calum didn't want to listen. He let his body drop onto the bed, back hitting the mattress with a soft thud as he squeezed his eyes shut. He knew how melodramatic he must have looked, but it was better than breaking down again. 

"But nothing Ash." He said, sounding as exhausted and resigned as he felt inside. "Michael's getting married to _Andy_. They've been together for  _five_ years and they deserve to be together. Michael deserves someone who loves him and a stupid fling shouldn't change that."

"But he told you-" 

"He told me I didn't love him Ash." Calum said back flatly, draping an arm over his face, because it was easier to say the words if he was blocking the light. If he fooled himself into believing he was saying the words in the darkness of an empty space. 

"But you  _do._ "

Calum took some time to simply breathe. The thoughts around his mind were jumbling with options and explanations, but he was _done_ thinking. He was done being a home wrecker and he was done hurting people around him.  _He just wanted to be happy again._

"Listen Ash," He said, moving his arm away from his head and turning around slightly to look Ashton in the eye. "I _do_ love him. But so does Andy. You know that better than me." 

Ashton's guilty expression proved his point on it's own, so he kept going. "And just because  _I_ love him, doesn't mean  _he_ loves me."

His friend went to interrupt him but he held a weak hand up, to let him know he wasn't done. "He  _doesn't_ love me back Ash. And that's okay. Because I'll never be what's best for him either." He could tell the drummer was ready to argue with him but Calum sat up, resting a hand over the hard mattress to keep himself up right. 

"I know what he said Ashton. But think about it. He's been with Andy for five years, and he started getting bored. I was available and he got the excitement he needed. But as soon as Andy proposed he said  _yes._ He said yes because he _loves_ him Ash. And I should have never let him kiss me. It was wrong but karma fucked me right up for it okay?" 

He took a moment to catch his breathe, seeing pity written all over his friend's slightly freckled face. He hated it. 

"Don't feel sorry for me alright? I made a mistake but I learned my lesson." He said firmly, and dropped back onto the bed. "So  _what_ am I gonna do about Michael? Absolutely nothing."

For a few minutes it was quiet in the room, and Calum considered giving into his tired state and taking a nap. But just as he was about to start drifting away, Ashton' hand grabbed his, squeezing his fingers gently.

"I'm proud of you Cal." He said, and there was a warm smile on his face when Calum opened his eyes to look at him. He gave him the same look Mali would give him through FaceTime when he'd send her a new song he'd written. That  _proud_ look that always made him feel happy and  _good_ inside, proud of himself. _He'd missed that feeling_. 

With a last squeeze to his hand, Ashton himself settled back on the bed, laying down next to Calum and pulling him into a bro cuddle. The cellist couldn't help but laugh, going along easily and settling against his friend, breathing in the comforting sense of body spray and hugo boss that the aussie always seemed to exhale. 

"You know it wont be easy to do that right?" The boy asked in the comforting silence that followed and Calum nodded against his chest, already feeling sleep coming back to him. "But Bry and me, we're always gonna be here for ya, okay? Just don't forget it." 

He gave Calum's shoulder a small squeeze, making the tawny boy smile and tighten his hold on him, arms wrapping more over Ashton's torso. Then something struck him.

"Hey, speaking of her. Where is Bry?" He asked softly. 

Ashton giggled from his side "Well at least  _one of us_ had to go to class right? So she said she'd let the lads talk it out and make us look good with the professors." 

"Damn, she's amazing Ash. I'll break your face if you ever let her go." Calum said, snuggling closer and stifling unsuccessfully a yawn. 

"Don't worry, I won't." His friend replied above him, but he was already feeling himself start to lose conscious. He vaguely heard him when he said "She was the one that wanted you and Luke to get together."

_Luke. What was he going to do about that?_

As if echoing his thoughts, Ashton asked "What are you going to do about Luke?" 

With the last remaining seconds of awareness he had left, he muttered out a  muffled "Dunno," before he was out cold.  

* * *

"What are you doing here?"

"You haven't answered your phone in  _ages,_ and I was worried sick about you. So I called Bryana and she told me you'd come home today. Been waiting for you."

It had taken a week for Ashton and Bryana to let him go back to his apartment. Though he was eternally grateful for it. 

He hadn't really felt strong enough to be on his own until a couple of days ago, when he'd woken up feeling the need to get a grip on his life and finally move past the dark whole he'd jumped face first into.

After that it'd been a matter of convincing his friends he wasn't going to breakdown and go crawling back to the man he was in love with. Admittedly, he had no way of completely ensuring them he wouldn't do exactly that, but he'd promised himself he'd be as strong as he could, and that involved trying to create some self esteem for himself, so he'd know never to stoop so low for love again.

When Ashton had finally believed him, they'd taken him to his place and bided him goodbye, but not without pulling him in for bone crushing hugs and promising to drop by the day after. 

So when he'd gotten into the elevator and landed on his floor, the last thing he'd expected to see was Troye's thin body resting against his door, while the faire boy's curls fell on his face as he was looking down at his phone. 

He'd let out a yelp of surprise that had immediately drawn the younger boy's attention away from the device in his hands. Two nano seconds later he'd jumped up, not giving the cellist enough time to react before he had a mouthful of brunette curls on his face and and armful of Troye around him. 

When he'd finally reacted, he'd sunk into the boy's touch, wrapping his arms around his back and asking the question that was on his mind. He laughed as Troye replied and finally let go of the boy, putting some distance between them so he could look him in the eye.

"How the fuck did you even get in?" He asked baffled and the boy scuffed before answering. "Please, have you seen my face? I literally look like a fucking baby. The old woman from the fifth floor let me in." He said smugly, batting his eyelashes and making Calum's face almost split in half with how much he was smiling. 

"Man, I've missed you Troye." He said, draping and arm around his bony shoulders and guiding them towards his door. He withdrew when they were in front of it, fumbling for his keys to unlock. 

"Yeah, so have I Cal. Now would you kindly mind telling me why the _fuck_ haven't you answered your phone in a week?"

Finally unlocking the door, Calum took a step back to let the younger man in. 

After they were both inside and Troye was sat on his counter, watching Calum hand him a glass of water, he repeated the question. 

"Something really bad happened so I turned off my phone, and I haven't been able to turn it on since." He said, staring down at his scoffed shoes.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Troye asked, and the uncertainty in his voice showed Cal he wasn't sure if he could step over that boundary. And it made sense because he'd never opened up to Troye, even when the boy had cried on his shoulder and told him about guy he was with and what they'd been through.

But he figured it was time to start letting his friends in, so he lead them to the couch, ignoring the stabbing pain of seeing Michael's ghost occupying the spaces all around, and told Troye the whole thing, remembering Ashton's lesson on 'honesty was the best policy' if he wanted to keep his friends close by. 

Just like Ashton, Troye had stayed silent for a while, processing the information. 

"You need to write about this." He'd finally said, furrowing his eyebrows and looking up determinedly at Calum.

"What? What do you mean?" He asked, not really understanding what that had to do with anything he'd just said. 

Troye looked at him expectantly, as if the answer was too obvious in front of them and Calum cocked his head to the side, letting him see he had no idea where the boy was going with that. Troye's cerulean eyes rolled around his sockets annoyingly and he sighed, grabbing Calum's shoulders.  _Apparently that was a thing all his friends felt the need to do to get their points across._

"Calum we're  _artist! This_ is the way we deal with things. Whenever something happens, something that's so out of our reach we can't possibly find the answer to it, we  _write_ about it. Because it's our only way to process things, to get over them and move on." 

And oh. Calum felt himself flush because Troye was right. But he had so many things going on around him, that he had no idea what he'd even write about. 

He told him just that and the boy squealed a high "Perfect!" before turning to Calum's coffee table, and grabbing his yellow pad off it.

Michael's memory was so vivid in that moment, because he'd done exactly the same thing as Troye, helping Calum to transform his emotions into coherent words, that he was overcome by nostalgia and _longing_. _God he didn't want it to be this awful_.

Seemingly getting Calum's distress, Troye pushed the pad towards him, turned onto a new page and handed him a pen.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked and Calum's tongue replied before he could stop it. "Michael."

"And what are you thinking about him?"

What was Calum thinking about him? That he really wanted to be in his arms right now. Not to kiss him, and not to touch him in any other way than the one he was originally supposed to. Just to feel Michael's strong arms embracing him, giving him that sense of  _home_ he'd come to associate to the boy's safe hold and soft touches.

His fingers wrote a line without his permission and he let himself go, scribbling down the words that came to his mind. 

_I wanna sleep next to you,_

_But that's all I wanna do right now._

He hadn't thought about how hard it would be coming home, because everything was tainted with Michael's memory and he hadn't known his apartment could feel _that_ empty, without him. 

_And I wanna come home to you,_

_But home is just a room full of my safest sounds._

Ashton's words echoed around his head, saying "You know this will be hard right?" and truth was, Calum hadn't realized how much. Because he knew himself, he _knew_ there would be sleepless nights ahead where he'd long to be with Michael, to fuel what they had, even if it was for the selfish purpose of shutting down the thoughts in his head that threatened to destruct him inside out. 

_Cause you know that I can't trust myself with my three a.m shadow,_

_I'd rather fuel a fantasy, than deal with this alone_

He opened his eyes and saw the words he'd written, messy handwriting making it hard to understand what he'd tried to say but when he looked over at Troye, the boy's eyes were wide and his hands were making grabby gestures towards Calum.

He handed him the pad and watched his eyes read over every word, as the corners of his mouth turned up into that _proud_ smile Calum loved to be given. 

"Why the fuck did you stop?" The other boy asked gleefully, handing him back the yellow pad and looking around the apartment for something. 

"Keyboard is behind the cello, if that's what you're looking for." Calum said knowingly, watching his friend's eyes sparkle with delight as he shot up to make his way towards his instruments. 

He looked back down and the words seemed to jumble in his brain, fighting their way out and he couldn't stop them any longer. 

_I wanna hold hands with you_

_But that's all I wanna do right now_

_And I wanna get close to you_

_Cause your hands and lips still know their way around_

His heart hammered against his ribcage as he remembered the feeling of Michael's lips against his own. How he hadn't believed it was actually happening until Michael's hands were roaming all over his body, and he'd gotten so caught up in it he'd forgotten those hands weren't _his_ to touch. He'd forgotten he had been _paying_ for something and there was a line he shouldn't have crossed. 

_And I know I like to draw that line, when it starts to get too real_

_But the less time that I spend with you, the less you need to heal_

And it was all so unbearably painful, he felt guilty at wanting Michael's comfort to get over _him_. He wanted Michael's arms snaked around his middle, letting him bury himself into his chest and heave out how much hurt he had inside. It was embarrassing just _how much_ he wanted him, even when _he knew_ he couldn't have him.

All he really wanted was for Michael to tell him it'd all be okay, in that soothing tone he knew calmed Calum down. 

_I wanna sleep next to you_

_But that's all I wanna do right now_

_So come over now and talk me down_

But he knew he couldn't. The crushing reality of his situation was beating down on him and he knew that what they had, could never be. That Michael _belonged_ with Andy, and that _he'd_ only served as a distraction, a detour in a solid plan that was meant to be. 

_So if you don't mind, I'll walk that line_

_Stuck on the bridge between us_

_Gray areas and expectations_

_But I'm not the one if we're honest_

_But I wanna sleep next to you_

_And that's all I wanna do right now_

Suddenly, a hand touched his shoulder, making him jump. Having been so caught up in what he was writing, he hadn't noticed Troye sitting back down on the couch in front of him. The boy gave him a playful smirk and he flipped him off, but nonetheless handed him the pad.

He chewed on his thumb nervously as he watched the boy's eyes scanning the lines, pencil in hand making little notes. He was humming and Calum was struck with that sense of genius he always got when he watched Troye creating music from scratch. He could literally see the musical notes flying out of his head and onto the plain paper he'd written down on. 

Finally Troye looked up at Calum, eyes glossed over like he was keeping in tears and a smile stretched wide across his thin face.

"Calum, I shit you not. I think we finally have the song for our Winter Showcase."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIGHT. 
> 
> WELL. 
> 
> I really hope you guys liked it, because this was probably one of my favorite chapters to right and I got to explore so much more those friendships we'd barely touched upon. 
> 
> ALSO, AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICED ASHTON SHIPPED HIMSELF WITH TROYE ON TWITTER? Are we not gonna comment about that????
> 
> Anyways guys, A MILLION THANKS FOR READING UNTIL THE END AND I REALLY HOPED YOU GUYS ENJOYED IT! SHOUT AT ME!


	11. I wanna be close to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, well, I know it's been two weeks but I really hope you guys enjoy this one!

"Open the door."

Calum, still half asleep and eyes heavily closed, mumbled out an incoherent groan into the phone that was pressed against his ear and buried his head further into his pillow. 

Three weeks had passed since he'd come back from Ashton's apartment, and true to the man's words; it had  _not_ been easy. Especially the part about sleep, because where once his nights were filled with cuddles and laughter, leaving him so exhausted, he only had to lay his body on his bed to be out cold; now his nights were filled with silence, internal battles and stress over his rapidly approaching finals. It was like he was back to square one, but ten times worse. 

But even with all the exhaustion he carried around, both emotionally and physically, whenever he dropped onto his mattress, his brain seemed to adquire a life of it's own and torture him back and forth until he'd finally black out from the chaos, at some point during the night. 

So having his phone ring, when it'd seemed like only seconds since he'd finally found his way over to blissful unconsciousness was like another slap in the face from the universe, that made him want to curl up, cry and hopefully make that contribute to him falling back to sleep. 

He'd picked up, mistaking the ringing as his usual alarm and sliding the finger through it to snooze, only to have been met with a commanding voice through the speaker. 

"C'mon Calum. Open the goddamn door!"

"Stop yelling! And _why_? Why the fuck do I have to open my door at this ungodly hour Mali?" He asked, annoyed and irritated with his sister. She was half a world away and even though she  _knew_ about the timezone differences, she always seemed unbothered with calling at a convenient time for him. 

"Just stop bitching and open the door Calum." She said back in the same annoyed tone he was using. 

Whining, he rolled onto his back and turned his head to the side, daring to open one eye and look at his clock. ' **7:59** ' blinked back at him, in red fluorescent lights and he let another childish whine escape him.  _Maybe if he didn't reply, she'd think the connected was cut and he'd be able to fall back to slee-_

"Calum fucking Hood, if you don't open the door right now, I will break it down myself." 

_Wait, what?_ The statement left him wide awake and he hastily threw the heavy covers off his body, struggling to find his door in the pitch black room. 

"What do you mean Mali?" He said as he rounded the corner of his living room, stabbing his toe on the adjacent wall and crying out in pain.

"If you make it in one piece to the door, you might find out." She chuckled on the other side, her sassy tone making it evident she was enjoying his utter state of confusion too much.  

He finally got to the door, yanking it open and letting his jaw fall completely. 

Right before his eyes was his sister, long blonde maine tucked under a large black fedora, with her brown eyes sparkling back brightly in mischief and her face folded, just like he knew his got when he smiled, as her lips were stretched wide in a giant grin. 

She was wearing a leather jacket and a tiny mini skirt, with her signature combat boots and he had no idea how she wasn't freezing in the chilly fall weather they'd had the past couple of days in the city. But she seemed unbothered by it, if her bright smile and her arms wide open were anything to go by. 

"Well, don't I at least get a hug?" She asked, and the only thing Calum could think to reply was " _Holy shit,"_ before diving into her arms and letting her engulf him in a long overdued bear hug.

He breathed in her perfume, that he knew was the channel nª5 he'd gotten her before he'd left Sydney, and allowed the familiar heat of her body warm him right up to his core. He felt like crying, because hugging her seemed like _finally_ coming home and the sensation was so good he didn't want to let her go, in case this was just a really vivid hallucination his sleep deprived mind had come up with. 

Lucky for him, Mali didn't seem eager to let go of him either, because she kept him pressed against her, soothing his back comfortably while she whispered how much she'd missed him, with her chin resting on his shoulder. 

"I've missed you _so much_ too Mali," Calum whispered back, keeping his tone hushed so she wouldn't hear it wavering with the tears that were threatening to spill. 

"What's been going on Cal?" She asked him, not pulling back yet, because she knew him as much, to know that it'd be harder for him to tell her if he had to look her in the eyes.

"Too much Mali," He sighed out, dragging the words slowly out of his mouth. "Too damn much."

"Ash said you needed company," She said just as slowly as he did, and she tightened her hold on him when she sensed his body tensing at her words. "I guess I underestimated just how much." 

Her words weren't making sense in his brain so he pulled back a bit, not daring to break their contact completely, but needing to face her. 

"Wait, what?" He asked, cocking his head to the side, to emphasize his confusion.

Mali looked down sheepishly and kept quiet for a moment, as if she was debating how much she could tell him. But Calum wanted to know it all, so he pressed on. "Mali..."

"Fine," She said, looking back up defiantly. "You looked like shit whenever we FaceTimed and I was _worried_ , because you wouldn't talk to me. You wouldn't let us know  _anything Cal._ So, I added Ashton on Facebook, and we've been talking for a few months, and he's been updating me on your life. I just- I didn't think, you'd let it get to this point Calum."

The fight in her stance was gone, and now she was only looking back at him with hurt in her eyes and sadness in her voice. It was cutting through Calum like a knife and he was too drained out emotionally to muster up any anger against his best friend for going behind his back and talking to his sister. He knew he'd brought this on himself when he'd closed off emotionally to everyone that cared.

For a few seconds the hallway was quiet, the only sounds being Calum's sniffles and Mali's soft breathing. 

"I'm sorry." He finally said, because it seemed like a good place as any to start. 

"You should be," Mali said softly, "But you'll have time to make it up to me, 'cause I'm not going anywhere anymore." She finished off, a small smug smile making it's way back to her features. Calum thought it was the best part of her, all her beautiful different smiles.

Again, Calum's brain could only come up with one response to all the new information thrown his way, but this time he had a feeling he knew where the conversation was heading. 

"What do you mean?" He asked yet again, watery smile coloring his face as he waited for her reply.

"What do you think idiot," She said back fondly, "I'm moving in with you." 

She stepped aside to reveal a huge black suitcase that seemed to be about to explode with the amount of things it had inside. Calum had no idea how he'd missed it earlier, but maybe the shock of seeing his sister outside his door after so many months, had taken up his entire brain extension.

With the revelation though, his heart began hammering in his chest and he didn't want to smile too hard, so his sister wouldn't realize just  _how_ much he actually wanted and needed that. "But what about-" He tried objecting, only to be swiftly cut off by Mali.

"Someone needs to take care of you and remind you not to fuck up so much Cal." She said, her smile matching his right back. "Plus, it was either me or mom, and I don't think she'd like to live in this fucking cold place." She added, and on cue her hands came up to her arms, rubbing up and down as if she was trying to warm herself up.

Calum took pity on her and pulled her to his side, leading them back to his apartment.

"It's your own fault for wearing a mini skirt." He teased, earning a smack on the head and a huff as she passed through him once they'd gotten to the door.

"It's called fashion you dweeb," She called back, "Something I'm gonna teach you from now on."

Man, he'd missed his sister.

* * *

"To the five over excited children in the back, I'm gonna need you to calm down."

To celebrate Mali's first week in the city, Ashton had invited Calum, his sister and Troye to go out with him and Bryana to the new bar that had opened two blocks down from his place. Troye had insisted on having a plus one, and had showed up with the same blonde boy Calum had seen at the club, all those weeks back. Except this time the boy wasn't scowling at him and he wasn't shoving his tongue down the pale brunette's throat, but rather holding his hand and smiling when being introduced to the whole group as Connor. 

The bar they were going to was meant to be the new  _it_ place for local acts and hole in the wall poets, not to mention the free beer all night if your performance was well received by the crowd. So after having waited in line for a few minutes, and squeezed their way through the wooden tables and the dangling colorful glass bottle lamps hanging from the ceiling, they'd managed to secure a spot, at the far end of the bar. 

It seemed like every young adult in the nearby radius had thought of the same place to be at that saturday night, because the place was jammed with twenty year olds, with beanies and fedoras, plaid shirts, tight jeans and Beatle shaped glasses, all eager to get on the stage and win free alcohol for the night. 

Since they _themselves_ were performers, they'd taken it as the ultimate challenge to win themselves free alcohol for the rest of the night. To enforce it, they'd only brought twenty dollars each, enough money to land them collectively the few amount of shots it took to ignite their bravery.

As soon as the first three rounds of shots were downed, Troye as the self proclaimed lightweight, dissolved into giggles as he volunteered to go first.

They'd all roared with laughter as he stumbled his way through the crowd, until he reached the other side of the bar, stopping shortly next to the improvised stage.

He looked back at them unsurely and they'd all started wooping and cheering, giving him thumbs up and encouraging the boy to talk to the exasperated looking manager with with a clipboard in his hand and a pencil tucked behind his ear. Troye had whispered something to the man, who'd rolled his eyes at him, but stepped back anyway to allow him on stage.

Once he'd clumsily climbed onto it, he'd settled behind the keyboard in the center of it, several guitars and banjos placed behind him. When his friends had started clapping loudly and yelling his name, Troye had called them out and giggled all through his half hearted warning.

But as soon as the brunette's fingers had touched the keys, he'd immediately sobered up. And once he'd opened his mouth, the crowd gradually began to quiet down, until only a slight buzz could be heard throughout the entire room.

In the end, the everyone was throwing their fist in the air and raising their beers, all shouting back "My youth!" as the boy powered through the last lines of his song. He lowered his voice several octaves to sing out the final words, giving the crowd one last perfectly sung note before he stilled his hands on the keyboard.

As soon as it was done, the room erupted in claps and woops and the buzzed boy recovered his inebriate state as he soaked up the applauds. He stood up wobbly, bowing cheesily and turning to head down, but two seconds before leaving the stage he ran back up and grabbed the microphone, shouting "This is for you Connor!" before running off the stage and towards the bar.

One more round of shots had been made while the brunette was on stage, and feeling the alcohol starting the course in his veins and the warm feeling of new found camaraderie, Calum had offered to go with Connor to meet Troye at the bar and bring back the first round of their free beers.

Connor had spotted Troye first, and tackled him from behind, spinning him in his arms until they were both nose to nose but Calum knew that was his cue to look away, having seen enough of their affection to last him a lifetime.

In the meantime, he took it upon himself to get their drinks, standing in line behind a group of overly existed girls who were discussing which of them would go first onstage. Not wanting to eavesdrop, he began taking in his surroundings as the following act began to play.

" _Oh_ _say,_ _can_ _you_ _see_ _? This is not_ _who_ _I'm_ _supposed_ _to be..."_

Calum froze.

" _...Without you I'm nobody, killing time..."_

No. It couldn't be.

_"...I tried to deceive, tried_ _to_ _win_ _you_ _desperately_ _. Now_ _I'm_ _lost in the swirming sea of_ _your_ _sorry eyes..."_

Calum felt like maybe his ears were deceiving him.  _Maybe_ he'd finally reached the breaking point in his sanity and he was having those actual vivid hallucinations he'd feared, in which the very voices he was trying so hard to erase, were being drawn out from within his mind and into his present moment. 

" _...I will fight, to fix up and get things right._ _I_ _can't_ _change_ _the_ _world_ _, but maybe_ _I'll_ _change_ _your_ _mind..."_

Slowly, ever so slowly, Calum turned around. He'd closed his eyes, in the hopes that _maybe_ , the hallucination would go away, and reality would replace it with a circumstance that didn't make him feel like he was having a heart attack. 

But as always, Calum was wrong. And when he'd opened his eyes, he saw him. In all his monumentous glory, eyes closed shut and brow furrowed, was Michael, strumming the guitar in his hand like it was second nature as he let his soothing raspy voice deafen any other sound in the room.

Calum's heart stopped and like a helpless iron, he was being pulled to the magnet he couldn't seem to escape even if he wanted to. So he let it pull him in, as he watched the performance unravel before him.  

_"Oh say, do you know? I'm a fool in a one man show, I'm a broken stereo, out of time. So how does it feel? All alone, is it so  surreal? 'Cause the ghost of survivors guilt can be so unkind..."_

The pain tied to his voice was contracting Calum's chest until he wasn't even sure he knew how to breathe anymore.

Michael had bowed his head when he'd entered the chorus again, throwing his all into it as his soft crimson hair fell on his face and hid it from view. The dim lights were creating a hazy golden aura around the boy as he was sat on a stool in the middle of the stage, and Calum's dumbfound mind was stupidly making comparison's with fallen angels and Michelangelo paintings.

The red head was clad in tight black jeans and a heavy denim jean jacket, and Calum's brain had gone into overdrive somewhere between the first verse and the chorus, simply quitting on him. So he was left there, holding onto himself as he kept watching the boy he loved, sing with raw emotion into a shitty microphone that didn't do justice to the intoxicating way he was belting out his words.

_"...The words you speak, surrounding me, this is broken love, in the first degree. The air you breathe is haunting me, maybe I'll change your mind..."_

Calum thought he knew what heartache was, he thought he'd gone through all the stages of grieving something that had never been his to begin with and that he'd be able to take anything from now on. But nothing had prepared him for the tidal of emotions he'd gotten when Michael paused mid bridge, lifting a hand towards his face and wiping under his eyes, face still concealed from the public. The red head took a second to gather himself, lifting his head with his eyes closed and blindly repositioning his fingers perfectly over the chords. Then he opened his mouth and took what was left of Calum's soul with him with his final verse.

_"All my life, I've been waiting for moments to come. When I catch fire, and wash over you like the sun. I will fight, to fix up and get things right. I can't change the world..._

_Calum I can't change the world._ _But maybe I'll change your mind."_

There was a brief pause, in which the whole room stood still, as if everyone was processing what had just happened, and then the spell was broken, and most of the people stood up from their seats, clapping so loud, they finally snapped Calum out of his trance.

He looked around finally, to find all his friends standing next to him, mouths ajar and expressions varying from complete disbelif to blatant sadness. He made brief eye contact with all of them, and he could  _feel_ the pity radiating from each one of them, and it was all too much.

So in a split second, he did the only thing he could possibly do next. He located the door and ran out the bar. 

* * *

"Maybe we should change the song."

Monday had come too quickly and Calum had tried unsuccessfully to avoid the "Michael" topic all weekend, of course, to no avail. 

He'd been fast when he'd ran out of the bar, and gotten two blocks down, before Ashton caught up with him, tackling him from behind and trapping his whole body around his muscular biceps. He'd kept him there until everyone had regrouped around him, eyeing him with that disconcerting expression merged between worry and pity he  _hated_ so much. 

But he knew trying to escape was pointless, so he'd relaxed in Ashton's arms until the drummer had released him warily, scared he'd might try another escape. Once it was clear he wouldn't, the whole group started tripping over themselves with questions and apologies, that Calum didn't even bother to understand, only keeping his eyes fixed on his shoelaces. 

And as usual, the cellist's salvation always came in the least expected ways. So after a solid two minutes of jumbled words and exclamations, Connor shouted a loud and demanding " _Hey!_ " that cut everyone mid rant and turned their attentions to him.

The blonde boy was already looking back at Calum when he looked up, pitying expression haven softened, to a more considerate and apologetic look, like he was sorry no one was handling the situation better. Eyes still fixed on him, the boy spoke firmly. 

"Guys. That was a shitload to take for all of us, but especially for _him_. So why don't we all back off, and give him some time to think okay?"

Calum might have kissed him, if it wasn't for the reminder that he was his friend's boyfriend, because _that_ had immediately shut everyone up. They'd even stepped back, allowing him to breathe properly and to take a head start home.

But Connor's words had only bought him time until the following morning, when Mali and Ashton had staged an intervention and Calum had sat silently as they aggravated him more on the matter. He'd refused to talk, but not because he wanted to shut them out again, but because he himself had wanted to really understand what was going on, before he disclosed with anyone. 

And since he hadn't gotten a proper time to deal with it at home, his emotions had all come crashing down on him the moment they began their second to last rehearsal for the Winter Showcase with Madame DeLouise. 

There was something about hearing Troye carefully sing the words he'd written for Michael, and having to play out the delicate melody they'd crafted around them, that had set him off. And his silent tears had been such a shock, even their tutor had been stunned into silence. 

She'd never agreed to reschedule any of their sessions, but even _she_ felt Calum was finally in some type of transitioning stage that was very needed. She left them to their devices, and Troye embraced Calum as he silently wept. He hadn't said anything, just held him to his chest and soothed his back. 

But the thing about this time was, it didn't feel as devastating as the past times he'd cried for Michael. It came in a healing sense he hadn't felt in a very long time, and when he'd finally stopped, just the tear tracks on his face, he felt lighter. Like unknowingly, his soul had come to terms with something, he was yet to discover. 

So they'd packed their instruments, and headed out in silence. 

After ten minutes of walking through campus, Troye first words were to suggest they changed their song, but Calum was already shaking his head, frown settling on his face. 

"We can't change the song when we only have one week left Troye." He said firmly. 

"But Cal-" Troye began to protest back, except Calum didn't get to hear the rest of the arguments because someone called his name from behind. 

Both brunettes turned around, and Calum's heart did that funny thing where it got surprised and stopped beating for a full second when he saw who it was.

Standing sheepishly a couple of feet in front of them, was a ridiculously tall blonde, with his black lip ring caught nervously between his teeth and a bright blush on his cheeks, blue eyes flicking between the two boys in front of him as his disheveled fringe fell on his forehead. 

He was wearing sinfully tight black jeans and a plaid red and black checker shirt, and even though he looked more than attractive in Calum's eyes, his whole demeanor just reflected nervousness. 

"Luke?" Calum managed to form out, in complete disbelief. 

"Hey Cal," The blonde said back, swallowing hard behind a small smile. "It's been too long."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL
> 
> We're almost on the last chapter and I can't believe this fic took 3 months to write itself, but here we are. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to all of you who have read and commented and subscribed and everythign in between. You are the soul reason this fic has become what it is and it makes me so happy. 
> 
> Tell me what your thoughts! I love hearing what you guys think will happen next!


	12. Ready to be found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> OH GOD IT'S BEEN SO LONG! I had almost given up on this fic, because I was so stuck and didn't know how to go about it BUT after two months and a lot of drafts, it's finally here.
> 
> I don't know what you guys will think but you've been liking and commenting on this fic so much that I just couldn't not finish it. THANK YOU GUYS REALLY, so so much, for encouraging me to write this and I hope this little update makes you guys happy. 
> 
> This is the second to last chapter so... ENJOY!

"I'm sorry."

It'd been around a month since Calum had seen Luke, and arguably that night had been one of the worst of his life, so no one could really blame him for not having reached out earlier to blonde. 

He'd tried though, after having had the courage of turning on his phone again, he'd found a couple of messages from the boy, wanting to talk and asking to meet up, but he'd been too scared. Of what, he wasn't quite sure himself, but every time his fingers hovered over Luke's contact, tidal waves with flashbacks of the last time he'd seen him came back. How he'd looked so happy hand in hand with Calum at the party, all soft eyes and warm smiles and how he'd ended up looking dejected and hurt when he'd found Michael and him in that room. 

It'd been too much for him to get past, so he hadn't. Had taken the coward way and kept telling himself that it was for the best to keep away, because he was too confused and broken to run after something that could potentially ruin him even more and mess up someone who didn't deserve to have his feeling played around with. 

But thing was, Calum had to really stop assuming the Universe would ever agree with him, because obviously it wasn't. If it was, Luke Hemmings in the flesh, clad in skin tight black jeans and a lose flannel, wouldn't have showed up at his campus, looking for him and rocking on the balls of his feet as he waited for Calum to accept his invitation of grabbing some coffee together. 

As a typical response, the cellist's brain had gone blank and the only thing he could really focus on was his heart rate sky rocketing. As the seconds stretched and it was clear Calum was in too much of a state of shock to coherently voice something out, Troye had intervened. 

He'd formally introduced himself to Luke and gotten closer to Calum, hand coming to rest on the tawny boy's shoulder as he asked him if he _really_ wanted to hang out with the blonde in front of them. When Calum's eyes met Troye's, the other boy had raised his eyebrows at him, prompting him for an answer. 

He'd thought about saying no, because Michael's song was ricocheting through his skull, making a feeling of guilt and unease settle within him. But when he'd looked back, Luke's expression had been so honest and vulnerable, cerulean eyes swimming with hope and Calum just couldn't bring himself to decline.  _Sue him._

So after agreeing and then reassuring Troye he'd be alright with Luke, they'd headed off to the direction of a coffee shop the boy said he liked just outside of campus, but not before promising the pale brunette he'd text him as soon as he'd gotten to their destination. 

Calum had focused on that, on feeling the warmth of his friend's protective attitude towards him to distract from the awkward silence encasing them as they walked side by side. 

Once they'd finally reached the quiet coffee shop, grabbed their orders and headed for an empty table near the counter, Luke had opened his mouth and dumped an apology on Calum that startled him, because he hadn't expected it. 

"Why?" He asked, genuinely curious as towards why Luke was apologizing, when he'd done nothing wrong in this mess that was Calum's life. If anything, he'd been a bright dot in a sea of blackness for him. 

"For everything?" Luke said uncertainly, then like he was reprimanding himself he furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head, setting his gaze on the napkin holder in front of them. He stared at it for a couple of seconds then drew his eyes back up to Calum face. 

"First of all, I'm sorry for taking you to that stupid party. That's how this whole thing blew up. I'm sorry for having an idiot of a best friend that is so fucking blind to see things clearly when they're in front of him and I'm sorry for not having handled the situation better." He paused, dropping his gaze back to where his hands were folded on the wooden table, " I'm sorry for not having done more for you in these past months even when I knew you and Michael were staking up a house of cards and I'm sorry for not having picked up on the fact that I knew your voice after so many months of talking to you almost every day."

He finally looked up again, and there it was. That hurt look that plagued Calum's mind most times he thought of the pale blonde boy in front of him. But it was also laced with a certain sympathy and warmth Calum hadn't gotten used to yet, even though he'd been trying his hardest now to accept when people showed kindness towards him. Ashton had given him a big lecture on not taking people's sympathetic glances as pity, and he was trying his best. 

"And finally, I'm sorry we didn't get a chance Calum. I'm really fucking sorry."

Luke seemed so upset and hurt, the tawny boy's hand came to rest on top of both of Luke's clasped ones before he could stop it, making the blue eyes that were staring sadly at him, widen impossibly bigger in surprise. 

"Luke, what the fuck are you talking about?" Calum asked softly. He was trying to understand how this amazing human being could ever think that any of Calum's problems were his fault. And not for the first time, he wished he could fall in love Luke the way he'd fallen for Michael. His life would be so much easier.

"Cal-" Luke tried but Calum cut him of with a wave of his free hand. "Luke, none of the things listed above was your fault, okay?"

Blonde messy hair fell onto his forehead when Luke shook his head, clearly disagreeing with Calum and even though the urge to push the golden locks out of the way was nagging at him, Calum fought it because that would help no one in the grand scheme of things. 

Instead, he took Luke's hand in his own, unclasping them and holding them tight, but not interlacing their fingers. 

"Listen Luke. We  _both_ should have realized who we were talking with because I've heard your voice just as much as you've heard mine over the past few months. As for the party, for what it's worth, I had a great time until well, you know what happened. And you can't apologize on behalf of Michael. We both fucked up big time, and _I'm_ so sorry we ended up hurting you, and Andy. None of it should have happened that way."

He couldn't keep looking at Luke's warm eyes because he felt that war raging inside him, where his brain kept telling him he didn't deserve it. That he didn't deserve the kindness radiating from Luke's whole demeanor, even when Calum had played with his heart, however brief that had been. And on the other side he could hear Mali's voice countering back, giving him all the reasons why he should accept it, why he deserved a little bit more than he credited himself to. How he should see himself as something of value. 

His struggle must have been too visible or maybe Luke had picked up on it somehow, but either way there was a gentle but firm squeeze to his hand that made Calum look back up.

Luke's eyes were sad but caring, and one of his ghostly white fingers came up to caress Calum's face. The contact lasted only seconds, making Calum's breathing finally unwind and come out slowly through his mouth.

Noticing, the blonde smiled softly and cupped the cellist's cheek gently. "You didn't  _know_ Cal. I don't blame you for trying to get yourself out there when you had something too uncertain on your hands."

_God, how was this kid even real?_

"If anything, I'm glad you thought I was a possible suitor for you. And if like you said, you had a good time, even if it was cut short, then I really am glad I was part of it."

"Fuck, why couldn't I fall in love with you?" 

The words were out of Calum's mouth before he could reel them in but instead of letting it hang in the air uncomfortably between them, Luke graciously laughed, a surprised chuckle escaping his lips as he threw his head back and his hand fell from Calum's face, back onto the table. 

"Well, why don't we start by being friends first?" He asked, releasing his grip from the other boy's hand and bringing his forgotten cup of coffee to his lips. 

Mimicking his actions, Calum took a small sip of his own coffee, grimacing at how cold it was now and eliciting another heartlifting chuckle from the blonde in front of him. 

There was something about Luke that made Calum feel warm and good inside, and while they kept talking and laughing, he realized that yeah, he  _did_ want to keep him around. 

So when the time came for them to part, and they were standing face to face next to Calum's subway station, he blurted the words out. The smile that lifted Luke's thick lips up, followed by the engulfing hug the blonde gave him made the decision worth while. 

Maybe this was the first step in the right direction. 

* * *

"You okay in there?"

There was less than a week for the actual Winter Showcase and Calum as always, had left his attire for the last minute. So when Troye had sent him a picture of his tux, asking if he thought the pink sequin bow tie was too much, Calum realized that - _shit!-_ he'd forgotten all about buying his own tux.

He'd also chosen the worst possible day to remember since everyone he knew was busy. Ashton was preparing for an audition of his own for the University's prestigious jazz band, Bryana was in Long Island modeling for one of the photography major's alternative art project and Mali was on her way to an interview for an internship at Atlantic Records.  _How she'd managed that opportunity with just two weeks in the city was still astounding to him._

So the only other person in his contact list that he could actually call was _Luke_. Who'd readily agreed, not even three days after their coffee talk, to go into Manhattan, on the windiest day of the year with him, to look for the right suit. 

After three hours of walking and searching for something that Calum could actually afford, but that looked tailored enough to impress Madame DeLouise along with the rest of the judge panel, they were finally at a nice little italian boutique. They'd picked out three tux's for the cellist to try on and now were currently separated by a thick curtain as Luke patiently waited outside the dresser for the brunette to show him the first suit. 

Fiddling with the upper button of his shirt, he absentmindedly replied "Yeah, I got this covered," and smiled when Luke's hearty chuckle travelled through the black curtain and into his ears.

Finally sliding the stubborn button in place, he turned around, and cursed when he saw the last item left before he could put the coat on. 

Luke's voice was amused when he asked Calum what the problem was, so he grumpily slid the curtain to the side, grabbing the piece of fabric he had to magically arrange into a decent bow tie and threw it at the smirking blonde in front of him. 

He caught it easily enough, lifting his milky white arm and in the process making Calum's eyes drift to the patch of pale skin that was displayed where his black shirt had rucked up. Lucky for Calum, Luke was too busy looking at the tie and laughing to notice his unsubtle stare. 

"Yeah, laugh at the only cellist on the planet who doesn't know how to make a fucking bow tie," He said bitterly, making his lips stick up in a pout when Luke turned his head up to look at him.

"You know," He said slowly, pushing himself up from the velvet sofa he'd been lounging on while waiting for Calum. "You really should study acting if you're going to keep being _so_ dramatic."

His words left Calum appalled, because usually being sassy was his department. The shock, along with the way Luke kept looking at him, glint of mischief in his eyes and a smug smirk on his lips, really stumped his brain from coming up with any comeback. 

The blonde kept getting closer and closer until he stopped right in front of him, leaving no inches of space between them and bringing his hands up to Calum's neck. Not expecting any of it, the cellist watched wide eyed as Luke lifted the collar of his shirt, keeping that infuriating smirk on while sliding the black tie around and pulling the collar back down. 

"I didn't know you could make a bow tie," He commented, not being able to keep the awe from his tone. 

To his dismay, the smirk only grew wider around the golden hairs that made up Luke's beard. "There's a lot of things you don't know about me Cal."

He said it way too close to Calum's face, making their breaths mingle and the cellist's heartbeat began to pick up. He could feel a small blush fighting it's way to his face and he was so glad those blue irises were focused on the knot at hand and not on him. 

To steer the conversation to safer ground, he replied a witty "Should've brought Ashton along with me. He'd been sympathetic to my cause."

That made Luke laugh, making his nose scrunch up and his head tip back before he straightened up again, giving the tie a little pat before his hands came to rest on Calum's shoulders. 

"But then you wouldn't have the best damn bow tie Sydney can offer, and it'd be a shame, because you _really look good_ with it." 

Luke's eyes kept roaming his face, smirk never leaving his lips and the word ' _friendship_ ' seemed like a neon sign in the back of Calum's mind, warning him that _this_ , whatever it was, seemed like the complete opposite. 

"I- I should probably, you know, put on the, the..." 

"The jacket?" Luke offered, taking one step closer, and sliding his hands back around Calum's neck. 

"Y-yeah. Just, to, you know, uh..." He couldn't for the life of him finish the sentence, because Luke's eyes were too entrancing, trapping him in his place and staring at him as if there was nothing else to stare at in the room. 

"You know," The blonde whispered slightly, dragging his words slowly, "If you put on that jacket, I might not be able to stop myself this time." 

"Stop yourself from what?" Calum whispered back. 

"From kissing you." 

All the air left Calum's lungs and he really had no idea what to reply. He watched as Luke's eyes fleeted from his eyes to his mouth and back up, as if asking permission, and the tawny boy was just about to open his mouth for the answer when his phone rang. 

For a moment they stayed frozen, but Calum's ringtone keep piercing through the room and after a couple of seconds he blinked, shaking his head to clear his thoughts and stepping out of Luke's hold. The blonde let him go without protest, heading back to the sofa while Calum went to find his discarded jeans, on the floor of the dresser, where his phone was.

Mali began speaking a mile per minute when he finally picked up, her strong australian accent accentuated by her state of euphoria and he wished his head was clearer to properly interact with her. But as he rested his body against the ceramic wall of the dresser, he kept replaying the last few minutes of his day.

He _liked_ Luke. _A lot_. But he wasn't ready for _that_. He was barely starting to piece himself back up, starting to like the person he saw in the mirror and be more forgiving of the things he couldn't change. It was a slow, gruesome and unappealing process but it was _his_ nonetheless. 

And he wasn't ready to share that with someone else. Wasn't ready to lose himself in a feeling that previously had spiraled him out of control, and sent his already wasted mind into a toxic bin of shame, hurt and dejection. 

Worst of all, if he was being truly honest with himself, he wasn't ready to stop loving Michael. 

The song he'd heard the redhead sing at the bar still echoed through his mind every day, and his brain kept going back to it, thinking if the gut wrenching words he'd heard were actually true. If Michael actually  _missed him._ If he _wanted_ him. If he wished, just as much as Calum, that they'd had a different story. 

And he couldn't help the fear that, if he gave into Luke, then he'd never love him enough. That he'd never stop comparing him to Michael because they were _so alike_ , he'd never really know if he was with him because of his own personality, or if he was projecting onto Luke all he'd wanted with Michael. 

Mali, bless her soul, sensing he was zoning out, cut the call short, making him promise that he'd be ready to listen to her once he'd gotten home. He hung up but stayed back for just a moment, taking in deep breaths.

He saw the jacket on the hanger in front of him, not really knowing weather or not he should put it on. He decided, regardless of what'd happened, he really did need to see how well it fitted on his body, so he shrugged into it and walked out.

Calum, always the oblivious one, hadn't realized someone else had come into the room, until he stepped back out of the dresser and found the clerk that had assisted them in the shop, sitting on the couch with Luke. Her attention was turned entirely to the blonde, and it was evident she was very much into him, if the hand on his bicep and her fluttery eyelashes were anything to go by.

Seeing Luke's uneasiness towards the whole situation, Calum cleared his throat, making both heads turn to him.

Two pair of eyes stared at him widely and unblinking, with their mouths open. After some seconds the brunette began to feel strange under their scrutinizing stares, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, wishing they would say _something._

"So, what do you guys think?"

"Sir," The petite brunette began slowly, "You look _amazing_." She finished off with a bright smile, jumping up from the couch and clapping her small hands excitedly together while she moved to the other side of the room, opening a drawer from a wooden table adorned by a vase with flowers.

The compliment made him blush and duck his head, shyly turning to the mirror that was to his side. 

And _damn_ , He _did_ look good. The black blazer molded his body in a way that felt right, and the lapels were shiny and contrasting to the rest of the suit's fabric. The pants could be a little more fitting at the bottom but his legs looked nice wrapped in the ebony material. Over all he liked what he was seeing of himself. 

He'd been so caught up in his reflection he hadn't even noticed Luke had gotten up and was walking out of the room until the girl called him out. 

"Sir, don't you want to stay for the adjustments? It'll only take a couple of minutes!" She said chirpily. 

Calum looked at Luke through the mirror's reflection and when their eyes met, the blonde's blue eyes seemed thunderous in the harsh white light of the room. He watched him open his mouth a few times before he seemingly decided on what to say and averted his eyes towards the attendant that was now holding a measuring tape and a little notebook in her hands. 

"Thanks Cindy, but I'll wait outside, if that's okay. I think I need a little bit of fresh air."

"At least, tell Mr. Hood here how great he looks in this suit!" She insisted, completely oblivious to the tense atmosphere that had risen around them in the last few seconds. 

Luke slowly set his eyes back on Calum, and he scanned the boy's figure up and down, taking his time and making the blood in Calum's body rush all the way to his cheeks. 

"I've never seen someone look this attractive in my entire life and if I don't get out right now, I might do something that we'd both regret."

And with that he walked out of the room, leaving Calum to deal with an awkward bubble of silence and gut full of mixed feelings. 

* * *

"Let's try it one last time."

It was the day before the Winter Showcase and Troye had insisted they rent their rehearsal room for two hours more than their usual, so they could nail down each and every one of their moves on stage. 

So after four hours of endless practice, three of which had been accompanied by Madame DeLouise's punctuated remarks and back breaking critique, Calum's body wanted nothing more than to shut down. 

"Really Troye? We've played this over again like three hundred times today." He pleaded, looking bewildered at the angel faced boy for suggesting such a thing. "I'm sure we've nailed  _everything_ today _."_

_"_ Just one more time Cal," He answered, looking back at him from the microphone stand. "You still have to get that last note up and I still have to ease into the second verse smoothly." 

Calum closed his eyes for a second, thinking that maybe tomorrow he'd regret not having this one last practice. He wanted to regret _nothing_ tomorrow.

"Alright," He agreed, but he narrowed his eyes on the excited boy as he smiled widely, "But this is the  _last one. Okay_?"

"I swear!" Troye hastingly nodded, keeping his cute toothy smile as Calum rolled his eyes. The boy turned back, and Calum readjusted himself on the cello, waiting for Troye's lead up.

" _I wanna sleep next to you, but that's all I wanna do right now..._ "

Keeping a mantra of 'last one, last one, last one' Calum powered through the song until his final verse.

They'd rearranged some things last minute to give Troye a breather and to help Calum transition his playing into singing and then back again, and the result was even better than what Calum had expected.

The great thing about having rehearsed a song more than five hundred times was that after the first hundred, it hurt less and less. So now as he sang " _... but_ _I'm_ _not_ _the one, if we're_ _honest_ _..."_ he was more focused on reaching that god damn high note than on the meaning of his words.

"... _so come_ _over_ _now,_ _and_ _talk me down."_

Troye finished off strongly and they were just ending their outro when loud clapping startled them both. Seemingly too entranced in the music, they'd failed to notice five bodies that had piled into the room and were now jumping and smiling at them.

"You guys!" Bryana said first, squealing as she held onto Ashton's upper arm, "That was incredible!"

Ashton, Bryana, Connor, Mali and Luke began tripping over themselves, talking loudly and making the two boys on their instruments laugh and loosen up as they got closer to them. 

"I swear you're gonna crush it so hard!"

"New York isn't ready for this thi-"

"Damn it, I should've recorded that-"

"Way ahead of you Bry! Got the whole thing on my pho-"

"Gee, I wonder why, Luk-"

Their friends kept talking and when Troye's eyes met his, Calum felt the same thing; pride. Because the warm feeling spreading over his body as their friends got around to hugging them and congratulating them made the four previous hour feel worth it.

So they packed up their instruments and howled in laughter as their friends told them how'd they'd gotten lost searching for their rehearsal room and had ended up interrupting a ballet recital of 15 very pissed off ballerinas. Apparently they'd bursted through the doors already clapping and cheering and with the surprise of their arrival, the ballerinas had tumbled down all mid sprint, like a stack of dominos. Needless to say they weren't very well received after that. 

To help them unwind, Luke had suggested they headed to the good sushi place that was a few blocks away from their campus. They'd all agreed and had started to head out, Calum hurriedly catching up to Mali because he didn't really know what to do around the blue eyed blonde that he could feel was staring at him.

It wasn't that he wanted to avoid Luke, it was just he didn't know how to be with him and pretend the blonde hadn't said he'd wanted to kiss him, or that their train ride back to the city had been so awkwardly painful he didn't know how they'd even gotten back. 

So in the true way of the cowards, Calum stuck to his sister and hoped for a relaxed, smooth evening just eating sushi with his pals. 

And he almost got that. That is, until Luke decided to ask the wrong question. 

Calum was mid temaki, taking a large bite of the huge seaweed roll, and debating weather he could swallow it all without chewing too much when there was a lull in the conversation. 

Two seconds later, Luke casually asked "So, how'd you guys come up with that song?"

There was an awkward pause, in which Calum almost chocked with the rice and salmon in his mouth and it seemed he wasn't the only one, because Bryana had to pat her boyfriend on the back repeatedly until he seemed capable of breathing again. 

Luke, oblivious as ever, asked Ashton if he was okay, and once verified, asked the question again, this time directing it to Troye. The brunette licked his lips and took a sip of his iced tea before replying. 

"Well, um, Calum came up with the first draft and we started from there." He shrugged casually.

The blonde had a proud smile on his face, as he turned to cellist. "Damn Cal, how'd you come up with that?"

There was really only one answer to that, and he hated himself because he was just about to ruin the whole meal for everyone. But he guessed now was as good as ever to put it out there. 

"Michael." 

He couldn't look Luke in the eye anymore, so he decided to turn his attention to his food, really regretting the fade of appetite that had just struck him. Everyone seemed lost at words, until after a few uncomfortable minutes, Luke finally spoke up again. 

"I should leave," He began, turning on his chair to grab his coat while everyone around started protesting and trying to stop him. Only Calum remained silent, watching him stand up without really knowing what to do. 

With his leather jacket on, and a determined look on his face, the faire blonde turned to Calum, searching his face. 

Calum could only convey his apologies through his eyes, hoping Luke would see how terribly sorry he was for still being in love with his best friend and not being able to give him what he needed.

"I'm sorry," He finally said, never breaking eye contact with the tawny boy. "This is all my fault. I shouldn't have-, I just wanted-. You know what? It doesn't matter."

Sighing, he turned back and Calum heard himself calling after him, even when he knew he shouldn't. 

"What Cal?" He said sounding annoyed and looking over his shoulder.

"I'm sorry too Luke. I just- I need _time._ Maybe if we _-"_

"No Cal," Luke said turning around completely but not moving from his spot. "You need _him_. And you need to tell him." 

"What? No, I just-"

"If that song is even half of what you feel for him, there's no reason on earth why you shouldn't tell him."

"Why the fuck would I do that Luke?"

"Because he fucking loves you Calum. Just like you love him. And if you two don't pull your heads out of your asses, you're gonna miss out on something people like me would kill to have!"

And like that, the blonde spun on his heels and stormed out of the restaurant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right.
> 
> Well.... SORRY IF YOU'RE A CAKE SHIPPER. I apologize! It was all for a greater good. 
> 
> But that being said, I can't begin to tell you guys how excited I am for the last chapter and how many ideas I have for it. Hopefully this chapter wasn't that bad, and maybe it'll make you a little bit curious for the grand finale. 
> 
> If you've read this until the end, THANK YOU so much. You're a real trooper for still caring about this fic after so long.


	13. Talk me down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI GUYS!
> 
> Two chapters in one week?! YES!!! 
> 
> I wrote this in like two hours, and I have no idea what to think. I know I said it was the last chapter but turns out I couldn't end it just yet. Also, the last part of the chapter is a little different guys, so I hope you can enjoy it and it doesn't confuse you too much. It's a slow burn but I promise the ending will (hopefully) make it worth while. 
> 
> WITHOUT FURTHER ADO... ENJOY!!!!

"So what _are_ you gonna do?"

Everyone had pretty much lost their appetite after Luke had stormed out, more invested in what Calum's next move would be rather than the raw fish still on their plates. They all had their own opinions and inputs and Calum listened carefully. 

Bryana and Ashton were adamant on bringing Luke back and talking it out, saying it was time Calum moved on from his cuddler onto greener pastures. Troye and Connor were keen on getting a hold of Michael and setting up a confrontation, saying they needed to deal properly with their issues to clear the unresolved tension and lingering feelings. Mali was the only one as quiet as Calum, and with the long years of sibling camaraderie forged between them, one look from her little brother was enough for her to take the hint. Wonderfully, she excused them on the pretext that she wasn't feeling very well and wanted to be taken home. 

So now there they were, sprawled out on Calum's bed, with a soft yellow light coming from the lamp on his nightstand and Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata playing softly from his iPod. That was part of his go-to playlist when he needed to calm down and think straight. 

"I want him to be there Mali." He confessed. 

That was something he'd come to terms with on the ride home. He'd heard what Michael had written about him. Watched him break down in front of a crowd of strangers singing words that cut deep through both of them because of what they shared. And somehow he thought, it was only fair, if Michael got to hear what  _he_ had to say about them. What  _he_ had been feeling all the time they'd been apart. 

"But..." Mali trailed off, looking up at him from where her head was perched on his lap. 

He looked down at her and smiled, still impressed with how well his sister could read him. She returned his smile, her face almost an exact mirror of his, but said nothing, silently prompting him for an answer. 

"But I'm afraid of his reaction."

He knew he was being vague, and the curious expression on her delicate features told him he needed to expand his answer further. So he took a deep breathe and laid his head back against the headboard, eyes on the ceiling. 

"I want him to hear what I have to say, but I'm scared he might run away? I'm scared be won't want me after it and that I'll just keep walking around with this giant hole inside me because the one person I want in the world didn't want me back after I opened my heart to him."

For a while there was just silence, as both siblings thought over Calum's words. 

"Have you ever felt like this before Cal?" Mali finally asked. 

The answer was clear in the tawny boy's mind. "No."

"What do you feel when you're around him?"

That one took a little longer to piece together, because there was a lot of things Calum felt when he'd been around Michael. But he finally came up with what he thought was a good answer.

"When I'm around him, I feel like I'm the best version of myself. It's like, he looks at me in this way, that makes  _me_ want to be better, if anything to _deserve_ that way he looks at me. And I become completely unfiltered and irrational. I can't think straight and the best part is I feel like I _don't have to_. Because there's no wrong answer with him? Whenever I felt wrong, useless, pathetic; when I did things I wasn't supposed to, he never judged me. Even kissing him when I knew he had someone else didn't feel wrong, because he made me feel _okay_. He made me feel... loved. I guess that's what I feel when I'm around him Mali. I feel loved."

His sister got up slowly from his lap, taking his hand and pulling him into a sitting position, where they are both facing each other. She put her hands on his shoulders and held his gaze, eyes a mixture of emotions as they danced over his face. 

"Then _what the fuck_ are you waiting for Calum?" She asked him, unable to conceal the smile taking over her face. "Luke was right you know? People like him and me, we wait around our whole lives to have with someone what you just described Cal!"

Her smile was infectious and he felt it overtake his own lips, but he needed verbal confirmation from her. "So what you're saying is..."

"I'm saying if you don't invite Michael to your audition tomorrow, I'm going to hunt him down wherever he is and drag him to the front row."

Laughing, Calum pulled his sister in for a tight hug. It was awkward given their positions but he didn't care. For the first time in almost a year, he felt _sure_ again. He felt like he could finally breathe because he wasn't second guessing his decisions anymore. He was going to fight for what he felt, knowing whatever happened, he'd have people to catch him if he fell. But most importantly, he'd have himself. 

Once they'd pulled apart, he'd debated weather to call or text, but calling would imply talking, and he wasn't ready for that. He needed Michael to hear what he'd written first. 

So Mali and him sat side by side, drafting up the perfect text and once they were both satisfied, he hit the send button and locked his phone. He knew he wouldn't get a response but now it was out there and he'd deal with the rest once he'd woken up.

As they both drifted off to sleep, each on their own side, Mali let out a soft "Proud of you sport," and as his last conscious thought was 'Me too' before he surrendered in the arms of morpheus. 

* * *

"Breathe."

He'd never thought he'd have to say that to his partner. But in the most important night of their lives thus far, dressed in expensive materials that made them feel as if they were playing dress up, under dim backstage lights and nervous competitors all around them, he was doing exactly that. 

Their friends had just left, wishing them good luck with hugs and deep kisses (on Connor's behave) and Calum had just finished waving off to Ashton as Bryana pulled him away from his lingering post at the backstage door, when he'd turned to find Troye pale as hell. 

The already milky tone of his skin was drained to a paper sheet color, and Calum had led him to a chair at the far end of their conjoined space with the rest of the students, making him breathe in and out to prevent the panic attack he felt was coming on. 

"It's going to be okay Troye. We've rehearsed this more than a thousand times and this time it's going to be no different. You're going to knock them out of their seats and I'm gonna be right next to you, playing the hell out of my cello as you bring the house down with your voice."

Troye's wide blue eyes were glossy from unshed tears, but there was a light blush recoloring his cheeks and his plump pink lips were unhinged as he breathed in and out through his mouth and nose. 

"Do you trust me?" Calum asked. 

Troye nodded, finally closing his mouth and swallowing hard. Calum took his hands between his own and rubbed them gently, looking back up at him with determination. 

"Then trust me when I say we're going to kick ass out there okay?" 

"Okay" Troye finally said, allowing that goofy, toothy and adorable smile he had break through. "Okay, yeah, damn. You're right Cal." He kept nodding, standing up and pulling the cellist up with him, into a bone breaking hug. 

Calum just laughed as he calmed his own nerves down, rubbing his hands up and down the thin boy's back as Troye buried his face in the crook of Calum's bow tied neck. 

"Thank you for letting me a part of this Troye." Calum whispered, because even though it'd been hard, if Troye hadn't looked for a partner for the Winter Showcase, he'd never had thought he was capable of auditioning for it. And the competition had led him to one of his best friends now, so he was feeling grateful. 

"Thanks for me trusting me enough with your works Cal. And for letting me get to know you." Troye whispered back.

"Damn it, let's stop before we make ourselves cry." Calum said lowly, feeling the chuckle Troye let out at his comment, vibrate through his whole body. 

"You're right, let's get it together."

Once they were both feeling reassured, they pulled back and Troye had that determined glint back in his eyes again. Conveniently their name was being called by the stage manager in that moment, and she placed them at the edge of the curtain, where they'd be ready to enter the stage once the previous act had finished. 

Just before walking on stage Troye turned to Calum and whispered "Play like he's the only one in the room." and took the lead.

* * *

Luke was tugging on his hand, reminding him how late they were and he wanted to spit back that it wasn't his fault, because he hadn't taken _two god damn hours_ to decided which identical pair of black skinnies would look best with his stupid shirt, but his nerves were preventing him from doing so. 

They handed in their tickets, thanking the girl on the counter profusely when she said she could make an exception for them because their names were on the list and all but ran to the auditorium. 

Michael cringed when they opened the door and the people in the back rows turned to them with reproachful glares as the light from the hall filtered through the darkened room. 

The act on stage were just finishing their performance, a beautiful rendition of the some ballet piece he would have liked to know more about if his mind wasn't set on someone else, as they found their seats halfway through the auditorium. Thank God they were the ones at the edge of the row because Michael would have killed Luke if they'd had to go through a row of comfortable people to be seated. 

Just as he'd settled down in his chair, the next act was announced and his heart dropped to his stomach as he held his breath in. 

Dressed in a silky black suit, that hugged him in all the right ways, with his usually curly hair styled up in a quiff and his slender fingers tightly wrapped around his cello and bow, Calum - fucking - Hood walked out on stage and took Michael's breath away.

The boy hadn't even started singing and the cuddler already had tears in his eyes, because _he'd missed him so damn much_. He'd missed _seeing_ him. He'd missed the reassuring smile that he could now see the tawny boy was sending his partner on stage, as the tall brunette with a pink blazer on turned back to look at him from his place on the microphone stand. 

Then the lights dimmed and Michael searched for Luke's hand in the dark, needing to ground himself. 

" _I wanna sleep next to you but that's all I wanna do right now._ "

The words echoed loud and clear in the silent room as if they were being sung directly to him, " _And I wanna come home to you, but home is just a room full of my safest sounds._ "

The soft sound of Calum's cello began smoothly making Michael's heart flutter, as two spotlights slowly heightened the two figures on the stage. " _Cause you know that I can't trust myself with my three a.m shadow, I'd rather fuel a fantasy than deal with this alone._ "

The lights dimmed again, and Michael did nothing more than sniff as he could feel the unattended tears roll down his face. Luke's hand squeezed his own but he didn't have the strength to squeeze back. 

" _I wanna sleep next to you, but that's all I wanna do right now, so come over now and talk me down._ "

The room burst into life as the lights on stage came back on and the cello was now joined by the piano, as the singer had dislocated in the dark to a piano that wasn't there before. It felt magical to Michael, and apart from his aching heart that was threatening to jump out of his ribcage, he couldn't help but admire the spectacle in front of him.

Calum's strong ' _Oh, oh, oh,_ ' faded flawlessly to give way to what he guessed was the second verse of the song. 

" _I wanna hold hands with you b_ _ut that's all I wanna do right now. And I wanna get close to you c_ _ause your hands and lips still know their way around,_ "

The singer had his eyes closed, and he was putting all his passion into it but Michael's own eyes couldn't help but wander over to Calum, seeing him mouth out the words from where his eyes were closed as his hands moved up and down the neck of his cello.

" _And I know I like to draw that line, when it starts to get too real b_ _ut the less time that I spend with you, the less you need to heal..._ " The words were cutting Michael deep, and it was worse when he thought of Calum writing them down. 

Then the whole world seemed to slow down to a halt as the pair went over the chorus again and with one final vibrating note Calum was putting his bow down. The piano kept playing as the singer kept the ' _oh's_ ' going. 

Watching as Calum with shaky hands took hold of the microphone in front of him and his eyes fluttered shut again, Michael held his breath in. 

" _So if you don't mind, I'll walk that line, stuck on the bridge between us._ _Gray areas and expectations..._ " His brows creased and there was a slight catch in his breath before he continued, " _B_ _ut I'm not the one if we're honest,"_  

He sustained that high note and then continued with " _yeah_ , _But I wanna sleep next to you..._ "

And Michael stopped listening. His own breathing was coming in labored and he couldn't see clearly anymore because his eyes were fogged with tears. He wanted to bolt out of the room but he didn't want to make a scene while Calum was still performing. So he waited until the deafening applause began, and while he ran out of the auditorium he was silently proud at the statement Calum and his partner had made. 

"Michael! Hold up!" Luke shouted behind him, as he burst through the theatre's doors.

The bleached haired boy stopped but didn't turn around, unable to face his best friend because not only had he hurt Calum, but unknowingly he'd also hurt Luke. And knowingly Andy.

But before his thoughts could go any deeper, Luke was spinning him around and slamming him into his chest, locking his arms around him as he half heartedly strained against the contact. But his best friend knew he wasn't really going to get away, and when Michael finally caved in and started sobbing onto his chest, Luke only rubbed his back and whispered reassuring things into the damaged strands of his bleached hair.

"I hurt him Luke." 

"I know," Luke answered back, still rubbing his scalp with one of his milky white hands as his other arm kept Michael's body pressed against his own. 

"I hurt you."

"You didn't know that."

"I hurt Andy."

"But he's okay."

"I love Cal." 

"And he loves you."

"Then why do I feel like he won't forgive me?" Michael asked, pulling back a bit to look at the blonde holding him in his arms. 

"Because you haven't forgiven yourself Mikey. But maybe you can start by really apologizing to Calum. Talking it out." He said, thumb coming to wipe away the remaining teardrops under Michael's seaweed eyes.

"You're not gonna let me go home are you?" Michael said back, with a hint of a smile on his face.

"Nope." Luke said, with a gentle smirk as he released him from the death grip he'd held him with. "Now c'mon, I have an idea."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...
> 
> What did you think?
> 
> I've had that last scene in my head since the beginning of this fic so being able to write it was soooo relieving for me! I really want to know what you guys think. 
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EACH KUDDO AND COMMENT YOU GUYS LEAVE! IT MAKES ME SMILE SO MUCH.


	14. I wanna sleep next to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW, I KNOW, I TOOK WAAAAAYYY TOO LONG TO POST THIS but IT'S HERE! 
> 
> I'm gonna apologize deeply now because it took a bit of encouraging words from a few of you to be able to get this all down, and it's like sending your kid off to college for me. But the time has come. 
> 
> Without further ado... Here is the last chapter of IWSNTY. Really hope you guys enjoy.

"Holy shit."  
  
The blood was rushing through his ears and his heart was beating way beyond what was normal. He was running high on adrenaline and he wasn't capable of stopping himself from jumping on Troye's back once they'd gotten off stage.  
  
"Holy shit we did it!" He shouted.  
  
Troye for his part was laughing madly, high on the same rush as Calum and holding the boy up on his back, twirling them around while the other acts around them looked annoyed at their disturbance.   
  
"We fucking did it Calum!" He exclaimed, setting him back down and turning to face him.  
  
"Did you hear yourself?" Calum asked, holding the brunette by the shoulders of his blush colored suit while they both had identical smiles on their faces. "You were on fire!"  
  
"Did you hear _yourself_?" Troye commented back, hands coming up to ruffle Calum's mess of a quiff. "You brought the house _down_!"  
  
"Oh my God,"

He couldn't believe they had actually done that. That Troye had taken the chance on him and had let him perform in front of their entire faculty and probably half the musical community of New York. That they'd walked out on stage and given it their all like they were some fucking pros who weren't in their first damn year of musical composition.   
  
Suddenly overwhelmed by gratitude and just pure fucking joy, Calum pulled Troye into an earnest hug and whispered "I fucking love you man. Just... thank you. Thank you _so fucking much_."  
  
Giggling somewhere close to his ear, Troye tightened his arms around him as he whispered back "You've _literally_ got nothing to thank me about Calum. You fucking did it and I love you too man. We're the best fucking team, like, _ever_."  
  
"I don't know if Madame DeLouise would say that though," and as an afterthought he added "Do you think she liked it?"  
  
Troye pulled back immediately with an outraged expression on his face and a wide smile on his lips, his eyes wild and arms raised high. "Who fucking cares Calum? We fucking _nailed_ it!"  
  
"You're damn right you did!"   
  
They whirled around to find Ashton a few meters away from them, with his hands around his mouth as he shouted. He was running towards them and behind him all their friends, with blinding smiles on their faces. The unorthodoxy of it all was clear on the look of pure horror from the other uptight contestants as they passed by them, but their friends seemed to give no fucks about it.  
  
The two boys barely had time to prepare themselves before they were being tackled to the ground, in a pile of limbs, shrieks and praises. The laughter around them was infectious and they remained a giggling mess on the floor until the stage manager rushed over and scolded them for their childish behavior.   
  
Helping themselves up, Mali was the first one to pull Calum in, whispering how proud she was of him and making him tear up when her voice cracked and he felt the wetness on his cheek from where their faces were pressed together.   
  
Meanwhile Bryana and Ashton had Troye sandwiched between them, as Connor took pictures of them huddled together with an impossibly fond smile on his face.   
Just as Mali let him go, Ashton pulled him into his muscular arms, embracing him tightly and telling him how he knew Calum would kill it but he hadn't expected to be that blown away.   
  
They pulled away and Calum thanked him for believing in him when he hadn't had the guts to do it himself, while wiping the tears that he seemed to be unable to keep inside. But for the first time in God knows how long, they weren't sad, reproachful tears. They weren't the same tears from that broken boy who had torn his sheets to bits and almost bashed his cello. No, they were proud, happy and accomplished tears, from someone who was far from being put together but that had his head set on recovery. That's why he didn't mind that much when Ashton teased him, bumping their shoulders and calling him a sap. He just shrugged and smiled smugly as he saw the hazel eyed boy turn away, in what the idiot thought was "discreetly" to wipe "some dirt" from the corner of his eye.   
  
Bryana rocked on the balls of her feet while the two embraced but as soon as Ashton had turned around she jumped on Calum, making his reflexes kick in to catch her small figure in time. He caught her easily enough though and twirled her around, thanking her for being there always and taking care of him. She only smiled widely and kissed his cheek, arms tight around his middle as he put her down. She giggled she was just proud of him and that he needed to thank himself more than her.   
  
He was just about to argue against that when they heard Ashton shout "Get a room!" and Mali wolf whistling. They turned around to find Troye and Connor, wrapped in each other and mouths merging into one. The couple could clearly hear them because Troye's hand left his boyfriend's rosy cheek for a moment to flip them off behind his back before it was returning to it's position and he was deepening the kiss.   
  
Watching them, there was a slight pang in Calum's heart, that made him come down from his high slightly. It wasn't he was jealous. Not by any means. He knew how hard Troye had fought for that relationship, breaking down wall after wall Connor had put up to scare him off. He wanted nothing more than to share millions of more moments with them like this, where he could witness their love and the passion they had for each other.  
  
But he couldn't help but _miss_ Michael. And his mind was guilty of imagining the cuddler with his fierce red hair ad his bright green eyes, storming into the room, taking him in his arms and just..., he sighed. He shouldn't be delusional. He should be happy if the boy _had even come_ to the event.  
  
Feeling like he had to ask, he turned around to see Ashton's eyes already on him, sympathy brimming in the way he was looking at him. And Calum blushed, knowing Ashton could see right through hi, could maybe even predict what he was about to ask.   
  
Still he had to.   
  
"Have you heard from Luke?" Calum asked, in what he hoped was a subtle way of asking ' _Did Michael say he was coming?_ '  
  
The expression on his best friend's face was unreadable, and instead of answering right away he put his arm around Calum's shoulders, tucking him into his side.   
  
"Luke said they might've been running late, but that's all I know."   
  
Something was better than _nothing_ and Calum tried to tell himself that. The night wasn't over yet, he still had some time.

* * *

"The following acts are to come on stage when called."   
  
Their friends had gone back to their seats a while ago and now Calum and Troye were waiting anxiously behind the velvet curtains along with all the acts. Everyone had preformed, they'd all gotten their time to shine and now it was it. The time to announce the winners of the 2016 NYC Winter Showcase and you could cut the tension with a knife backstage.   
  
There was a dramatic drumroll as some freshmen handed the white envelope with the names of the finalists to the first judge. Dressed from head to toe in black was the teacher Calum hoped he'd get the following year, Nancy Price. She was the head of the string department and the faculty's jazz band director. Contemporary and really unorthodox, she was a role model for kids like Calum and Troye who loved the classical music but wanted a fresh twist on it. He couldn't see her, but he could bet at some point she'd rolled her eyes at the scared freshman they'd put to hand out the envelopes.   
  
"Alright kiddos, first act to come back up is... Su Ying!"   
  
The violin virtuoso had preformed an electric rendition of Moonlight Sonata that had left Calum speechless. So really it was a no brainer for him when her name had been called. They watched her sprint from her place and head on over to the other side of the curtain.   
  
Calum took Troye's hand and the brunette squeezed it gently, their silent comfort while their nerves kept building up.   
  
"Second up... D.S.S.B!"  
  
That was a group of ten students that were sophomores and had built up a huge production. They'd choreographed a ballet with half their members, put together an orchestra, complete with an opera singer and director. It sure was impressive and as they whopped and cheered, also stepping out into the stage, Calum felt his stomach start to sink.  
  
Troye and him had been good for sure, but there was no way they could ever compete against these people. They'd been lucky enough to qualify and really, that should be enough for him. It wasn't because he was a somewhat ambitious little shit, but when did life ever cooperate with him?  
  
His partner squeezed his hand hard, startling him out of his thoughts and when he turned to look at him, Troye's expression was stern. "Stop it!" He hissed and Calum blinked at him confused. "Stop thinking... whatever it is you're thinking. Just _wait_ before you sulk ahead of time."   
  
_God, was he that obvious or had his friends just gotten good at reading him at any given time_? Either way he blushed, ready to apologize but the words died in his throat as the judge's voice filtered the air again.   
  
"Last but certainly not least..."  
  
_He'd keep it together if they didn't pass, they had already gone so far and it was an honor to be even acknow_ -

" Troye Sivan and Calum Hood!"  
  
_Wait what?  
_  
"We did it Cal!" Troye shouted, pulling him into a quick hug and releasing him all in the same speed, already tugging on his hand and pulling them towards the opening at the side of the curtain. Calum's brain was temporarily shut down and he was deafened by his own blood rushing to his ears, hijacking all his sense.   
  
Before he knew it he was out on stage, bright lights tracking his movements and a loud crowd cheering for them. As he was shaking Nancy's hand, the reality of the situation kicked in and he felt himself go pale.   
  
_They'd done it. Holy shit. They'd actually fucking done it.  
_  
"I know you're excited, but don't throw up on me kid." Nancy said, putting a hand on his shoulders as he shakily let go of her hand. Her voice was stern but she had a mischievous glint in her eyes, like she was playing with him. Which honestly only made him stammer more as he tried to explain himself. But lucky for him, Troye saved the day, making a joke he didn't catch and sweeping them away to stand next to the other two acts.   
  
"It's gonna be okay." The curly brunette whispered to him, hand on his back rubbing soothly.   
  
"We fucking did it Troye." Calum whispered back, and Troye just turned to look at him, with a small smile as he put a slender finger over his plump lips and turned towards the second judge that now had the floor.   
  
Standing in front of them was none other than Judd Greenstein, a living legend, the embodiment of contemporary composing within the classical arts and one of Calum's personal heroes. _Could this moment get any more surreal_?  
  
"So, I just want to say to the three acts up here, that you blew my brains out tonight. It's not every day you get to see this type of commitment and talent, but even more rare to see the refreshing twist you've all exhibited without falling far from what unites us all, which is, classical music."   
  
He took a moment to look each and every one of them in the eye, as if conveying his statement truly to each one. When his eyes landed on Calum, the tawny boy stopped breathing, trying to process the fact he was staring into the eyes of one of the guys who's music had inspired him to take the scholarship to New York and live out his dream. The moment was gone too soon in Calum's opinion, and the judge turned back to address the crowd.   
  
"In third place, with a rendering version of one of our finest pieces to date... Su Ying!"   
  
The crowd clapped, and the sag of disappointment was barely containable on the small asian girl's face, but nonetheless she squared her shoulders and pasted a smile, shaking each judge's hand and bowing to the audience. Calum was clapping, making a mental note to go up to her after it was all done to congratulate her, when Troye elbowed him.   
  
The boy stared at him solidly for three seconds before Calum made the connection that, _yeah_ , that meant they were up to compete for the first place in the competition. His eyes must have widened comically because the brunette stifled a laugh and shook his head fondly, grabbing Calum's clammy hand and squeezing it gently.   
  
"Now's the time to announce the winner of this year's NYC Winter Showcase for the fine arts. These two acts have displayed exceptional skills and exceeded all of our expectations while staying true to the principles that are taught in this institution. Unfortunately, there can only be one winner tonight. And on that note, this year's winner is..."  
  
Calum squeezed Troye's hand impossibly harder, needing to ground himself because regardless of the ending result, _they'd fucking done it._

* * *

"Gentleman, may I have a word?"  
  
In the midst of a tight and emotional group huddle, the two performing brunette's heads emerged from the pile of bodies and turned to the voice.  
  
A few feet away from them, with her thin arms crossed over her chest, immaculately dressed and with a stoic face, was their tutor. They stared at her in shock for a few seconds but as always her patience began running low and she arched one perfectly shaped eyebrow at them.   
  
Quickly they untangled themselves from their friends, receiving soft pats on the backs and sympathetic looks from them as they straightened themselves up and walked over to her. Calum really wanted to hold someone's hand, because he didn't know if he was at the point where he could take Madame DeLouise's backlash, but instead, crossed his own arms over his chest and tried to appear impassive.  
  
Seeming to sense this, Troye spoke up first, putting himself a little in front of Calum, as if trying to shield him. _Bless his soul.  
__  
_ "Listen Mada-"  
  
She didn't let him finish, holding one finger up to stop him. Her silence stretched out for agonizing seconds as she looked each of them in the eye, searching their faces for something. Calum tried hard not to flinch and drop his gaze.   
  
"Boys, I've only said these words three times prior to any pupil of mine. And I will not repeat myself, so listen intently." She paused, waiting for their frightened nods before continuing. "I. Am. Proud."   
  
The words hung in the air and the silence after it was thick as both boys stood shock still, mouths ajar and ears ringing. _She was... proud of them?  
_  
"But we didn't win." Calum said dumbfoundedly.  
  
For the first time since he'd met her, Madame DeLouise's lips tuck upwards and something akin of amusement danced around her dark eyes.   
  
"Mr. Hood, it was never about _winning_. You see, the reason I push my students so much, the reason I am disliked, is because I don't believe in condescendence. It achieves nothing other than allowing talent to remain unlocked and lazy.   
  
"What you boys did up there today. The way your soul fell from your body as you performed and revealed what you're capable of to this institution, _that's_ winning. Not a fancy award, not some prodigy shaking your hand. That's nice but it's not what these competitions are about. You didn't go up there to please me, you went up their because you convinced yourselves of your own abilities. And in doing so, you convinced all of us, that we're just scraping the surface with you two.  
  
"And therefor I stand by the statement previously made gentleman, as both your tutor and a fellow musician. I'll see you both on Monday."  
  
With that, she turned on her heels and left.   
  
The words were swirling in Calum's ears and around his brain, sinking in and making his already accelerated heart, pick up it's speed. Granted, when the winners were announced and they ended up in second place, Calum had felt nothing but pride because second damn place had been practically unobtainable if you would have asked him several months ago. So getting that far in a competition with the best people his university had to offer was beyond what he'd imagined, throw in the fact he'd written the song they'd performed was even more mind-blowing.  
  
But he had also been worried, because their tutor had demanded so much from them that the first place be theirs that he felt like they had failed her in some way, and he had been more than scared of having to face her once it was over. Hell, he hadn't even expected to see her until their session the next week, thinking she was so repulsed by their failure that she would have spared herself even having to look at them. But once again, she'd surpassed his expectations and given them what he thought could possibly be the warmest encouraging speech they'd ever get from her.   
  
It was all so much, he started laughing for no reason, dumbfounded and relieved. There were hands on his shoulders and his friends' excited voices booming in his ears and he caught himself wishing he could tell Michael all about it. He knew it was stupid, maybe even delusional. But before all had gone to shit, Michael was the person he'd talk to about everything. He was the person that would hold him and make the world feel like it wasn't such a scary place. And so this being one of the best nights of his life, he would have loved to tell the cuddler all about it, and he wanted so badly to hear the redheaded's deafening laughter or see his warm green eyes light up like they always did when Calum told him about the good things that would happen in his day.   
  
It was wistful thinking and he snapped out of it in time to catch Ashton making plans for them.  
  
"-so I think it's more than appropriate we go celebrate being New York City's finest second place australians! Who's with me?"  
  
"But with one condition" Calum interjected, everyone turning to him, "My pizza is on you!"  
  
Ashton startled out a laugh and went to reply when his phone buzzed in his pocket and he turned to look at it while smiling still. The conversation around shifted to pizza toppings, but as everyone chatted Calum kept his eyes on Ashton. The drummer's smile softened at whatever text message he received and he saw him draw his girlfriend closer to him as he showed her. His bThey looked so in sync that Calum couldn't help being endeared by them. He would have liked to make a sappy comment but his stomach rumbled loudly, making him blush as Troye and Mali started laughing at it.  
  
"C'mon love birds, if we don't get him pizza fast, he might just eat us and I didn't come all the way from Oz to die from cannibalism."  
  
Laughing, Bryana and Ashton nodded. "Everyone good with the pizza parlour?"   
  
Everyone affirmed and the couple lead the way, steering the group through the thick masses of people still chatting excitedly backstage with the performers. Calum noticed they were going the wrong way though, because they were supposed to head out by the front if they wanted to get to the restaurant faster.   
  
"Hey guys, I think we should go through the front!"   
  
Ashton turned around, that ever permanent goofy smile on his face as he told him that he knew a shortcut through the alley of the backstage, so they could get him his damn pizza faster.   
  
Rolling his eyes and smirking, he dropped it in favor of returning to the hilarious heated discussion Mali and Connor were having about Vegemite and cream-cheese. Mali's argument was getting compelling as they rounded the last flight of corridor for the backdoor.   
  
The cold autumn air was refreshing compared to the heat of the backstage and Calum breathed it in, letting his eyes shut for a moment as the fully stepped outside. His arm wrapped itself around Mali's shoulders and he pulled her in close, opening his eyes to see her smiling at him. He was about to say something when the words died in his mouth.   
  
"Did you mean it?"  
  
His eyes locked with Mali's as her own scrunched in confusion, because surely, he was hallucinating right? He know that voice anywhere, but he didn't want to believe it. He didn't want to get his hopes up.  
  
"Calum" the voice said again, more firmly this time. "Did you mean it?"  
  
Mali's eyes widened as she saw the tides of emotions rolling off of her little brother's face. Her eyes drifted for a moment to the source of the words and then back to Calum. She gave him his hands a light squeeze and stepped back from his reach, over to where their friends were all waiting.   
  
Calum stared hopelessly at her retreating figure. His friends were all in somewhat of a line, eyes wide and expressions hopeful, like they were all rooting for him. Bryana even gave him a thumbs up and if he hand't been so shocked he would have flipped her off.   
  
"Calum? Can you please just... _look at me_?"  
  
The tawny boy took a deep breath, gave one last glance at his friends and finally turned around.   
  
And damn it if Michael wasn't even more beautiful than his broken heart remembered. His hair was bleached out, still a perfect mess on top of his head and he'd gone all in black: black button up, black leather jacket, black skinnies and black combat boots. 

He was straight out of Calum's dreams, those he'd been having lately where he never wanted to wake up from, and it was hard to look at him without wanting to break down or do something like jump into his arms and kiss him.

But there was something wrong. Where there was once a confident, silly somewhat cocky redhead with a smirking red mouth and warm eyes, this person was sad and broken all over. His eyes were all glossy, like he was holding back tears and his mouth was set in a frown. He seem unhinged, like a funny mirror version of the guy Calum knew and his eyebrows were almost reaching his hairline as if he was waiting worriedly. 

And of course he was, Calum realized, because he hadn't _said_ anything to him yet. So he cleared his throat, making himself not look away.

"What-" he began, and tried to make sense of all the words in his brain. "What are you talking about?"

If anything, his desperate expression morphed into something like hysteria, and he got closer to Calum, but not close enough to touch.

"The song Calum, I'm talking about the song." He said urgently.

 _Oh._ "You came?"

"Of course I did Calum. Your text said- I mean, - I just couldn't believe that-" He groaned at himself, tugging at the strands of his white hair and resting his palms over his eyes. Calum wanted desperately to touch him, even though they'd both messed up. Even though their hearts were shattered and it was no one's fault but theirs, he still wanted to touch him, to just tug him into his chest like the boy had done many times with him and tell him it would all be okay, that there was no wrong answer and that he loved him. But he didn't. He couldn't even move. 

"Calum, I fucked up okay? I think, maybe I fucked up since the moment I walked into your apartment that night." 

Something must have changed on his face because Michael's eyes widened immediately and he reached out to him but stopped short, as if remembering they hadn't touched in a long time and his expression got impossibly sadder, from where Calum was seeing. 

"Not in that way Cal. You see? I guess, I fucked up, because I was too stupid to realize it. From the first moment you opened the door, and you kept staring at me with those adorable big brown eyes of yours, kind of second guessing the whole thing, _I knew_. I fucking _knew_ it. I just didn't realize it, until we were in this giant mess."

The cold autumn air was no longer welcome in Calum's mind because it didn't allow him to breathe properly, which he really needed at the moment because nothing was making sense. 

"Knew what Michael? What are you talking about?"

"That you're the one Calum!" Michael threw his hands up, voice getting so high that everyone in the alley turned to look at him. Not that he seemed to care. "That you're the fucking _one_ for me. That there was no one else since the first hug we ever had. Because it felt like I belonged there, like I'd had you in my arms my whole life. That there couldn't be anyone else because it had never been so hard for me to leave a client like it was that night after you fell asleep on my chest. That going to sleep that night, in another bed with another person no longer felt right. That- That nothing felt right when I wasn't with you.

"Tonight, you sang that you weren't the one but _you're wrong_ Calum. There has never been anyone else."

"But Andy-"

"I hurt Andy, because I wasn't brave enough to tell him the truth. I just, I thought I was crazy you know? If you've been with someone for so long, and you think you've got it all figured out, how can that suddenly change? How can all of a sudden, this person you didn't even know before, become your whole world?"

"I'm... _your whole world?_ " Calum asked, and he knew that there was tears falling from his eyes and that his voice had cracked embarrassingly high in the middle of his sentence but he didn't care. He couldn't possibly at this moment.  

"Calum, for the past two months I haven't been able to sleep. I haven't been able to _live_. God dammit I can't even remember the last time I genuinely laughed at something. All I can think about, every day, is _you_. How you're doing, what are you up to, if you're smiling, if you stopped having nightmares. Just-" He sighed, and lost all his stance, shoulders dropping and face falling. "You're all I can think about and the worst thing is that, I don't want to make it stop."

  
There was something like fire spreading all over Calum's body, making him feel alive. Michael's words were beyond anything he'd ever expected to hear from the cuddler, and throwing all caution out the window, a blinding smile on his face that he made no effort to conceal, he closed the final steps between the pale boy and him. He stepped right into his personal space, taking his ghostly white hands in his own and relishing in the feeling of finally- _finally_ \- being able to touch him again. 

Startled, Michael looked back up at him, breathtaking green eyes immediately locking onto his and Calum could get lost, lost in the sea of turbulent green that were staring right back at him with the same intensity he felt. 

"I think about you too," He said, letting a wet laugh bubble from his chest, making him feel delirious. "Michael, I haven't thought about anything else since the moment I met you. You thought _you_ were crazy? I thought I was losing my damn fucking mind. Everything about you just felt so-" Words were failing him at the moment, because Michael's eyes were shinning and his stupidly red mouth was stretching itself in such a wide smile that Calum wondered for a moment if it wasn't painful. 

"Just kiss already!" Someone shouted behind them and Calum didn't need to look back to know it was Mali. 

"Yeah, get on with it Hood, we don't have all day!" Troye joined in.

"C'mon Clifford, it shouldn't take you this long." 

That was Luke's voice and shocked, Calum looked up to find him resting against the wall, next to the back door. For a moment he faltered, but Luke did nothing more than smile and waved him off, taking his hands out of his pockets and covering his face playfully. Calum couldn't help but laugh and when he heard it, Luke uncovered his face and winked, soft smile playing on his lips.

"Well you know, people _are_ starting to get impatient," Michael said gently, making Calum look back at him. 

"Oh, is that so?" 

"Yeah, we should probably get this over with before they come out here and take matters into their own hands." He teased, and that cocky smirk that Calum loved so much reappeared. 

"You know what?" Calum said, dropping Michael's hands in favor of cupping his cheeks, "I think you're right."

And with that, Calum wasted no more time, bringing Michael's face closer to his and meeting him halfway. Their lips met, Michael's hands found their rightful place on the tawny boy's waist and Calum's mind exploded.   
  
Michael's lips felt like they were made of magic, igniting everything inside Calum and making him hungry for more. The more their lips moved together, the more he thought he could never get enough. There was something addictive about the way Michael tasted and all the unspoken words that they had yet to say, that made it all the more meaningful.   
  
He was about to deepen the kiss when Michael pulled back, huffing out a laugh as Calum, eyes closed and mind completely overwhelmed, chased after his lips. However, when Michael put his hand on Calum's chest he opened his eyes, puzzled expression on his face.  
  
"They're clapping," Michael whispered, his cheeks rosy and his lips puffed.   
  
True to his word, when Calum was able to take his eyes off of the man that was holding him, he realized his friends and all the strangers that were in the alley had made a circle around them, clapping and apparently recording them, if the phones in Ashton's and Mali's hands were anything to go by. He'd been so caught up in Michael that he had completely blocked everything else out.  
  
Calum couldn't help but laugh though, bringing Michael in for one last - for now - kiss before taking a small step back.   
  
"Alright folks, hope you enjoyed the show!" He called out, taking hold of the pale boy's hand. The crowd gave them one last round of applause and started parting, each going back to their spots or leaving the alley, as their friends gathered around them.   
  
"About damn time!" Ashton shouted, throwing his fist in the air. 

"Never thought I'd have to see my baby brother sucking the life out of another human. Gotta say, it's pretty gross." Mali added, making Calum groan while Michael just laughed even more, letting go of his hand in favor of circling his arms around the cello player's torso.   
  
"Listen guys, now that we will never have to deal with your asses moping all day for each other, what do you say we celebrate by finally eating pizza?" Troye asked, face portraying exasperation even though the smile he was trying to bite back gave it all away.  
  
"Oh shit you're right!" Calum replied, having totally forgotten about his own rumbling stomach. "Let's go!"   
  
As all their friends started filing out, Michael and Calum stayed behind them, walking at a slower pace.  
  
"So now what?" Michael asked, swinging their hands between them.  
  
"Well, I was thinking a good ten slices of pizza would be a great idea." Calum said, not being able to help the smile that seemed to be permanently etched to his face as Michael laughed, scrunching his nose and throwing his head back. The tawny boy made sure to snap a mental picture because that was a sight he never wanted to forget.   
  
"And after that?" The pale boy asked, eyebrows wiggling suggestively and making Calum crack up.  
  
"You know what? Tonight, I just really wanna sleep next to you."  
  
"Sounds perfect to me." Michael answered, leaning up to kiss him again. Pizza could wait for all he cared, because he had to make up for the lost time and Michael's lips were the best way to start. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIGHT. SO.
> 
> First off, I want to say: THANK YOU. THANK YOU to each and every one of you who have read this story, who have left a comment, who have left a kudos. ANYTHING REALLY. Thank you so much for having patience with this story and loving it as much as I have.
> 
> I gotta tell you guys it was so hard writing the last chapter because after this it's over, but all your words of encouragement made me feel ready for it. 
> 
> I feel super lucky to be a part of such a great fandom, and with the boys just having done their sold out show at the MSG I feel even more inspired. 
> 
> So really thank you so so so much and I hope this last chapter was just as special to you as it was to me. <3

**Author's Note:**

> Right, so hopefully this wasn't so bad. If you made it till the end, thank you! This was gonna be a long one shot but I'm still develping the story so I decided to just chapter it and see where it takes us. Feel free to tell me what you thought and make suggestions for the next chapters.
> 
> Also I know nothing about classical music, or cello playing, or new york, or even sydney, so I'm just making this all up in my mind. Sorry if there aren't accurate stuff. 
> 
> Thank youuu again! (Chapter tittle from Ease, by Troye Sivan)


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